


Hiraeth

by vapolune



Category: GOT7, TWICE (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Anxiety, Ballet, Drinking, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/F, Fluff and Angst, Friends With Benefits, Implied Sexual Content, One Night Stands, Pining, Smoking, and chaeyoung makes her feel less lonely, basically mina is lonely, but they're just fwb so mina wants more, dialogue heavy (at certain points), slice of lifey
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-06-11
Updated: 2020-11-02
Packaged: 2021-03-04 05:40:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 14
Words: 55,091
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24658513
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/vapolune/pseuds/vapolune
Summary: “What?”Chaeyoung doesn’t say anything. She just looks at Mina with pretty eyes and gaze so intense Mina thinks she might explode. Mina swallows once, eyes shifting nervously to parts of her face, lingering a bit too long on the lips. Chaeyoung doesn’t say anything for a long time.She finally speaks, voice barely above a whisper, and Mina remembers to breathe. “Do you want to feel a little less overwhelmed for a bit?”Or, in which Mina is falling and Chaeyoung teaches her to not be afraid of getting hurt.
Relationships: Minatozaki Sana/Park Jisoo | Jihyo, Myoui Mina/Son Chaeyoung
Comments: 108
Kudos: 225





	1. halcyon

**MINA BRINGS HER** cigarette down and a piece of ash falls on the balcony railing. She brushes it off with the side of her fingers and it leaves gray on her hands. It reminds her of her hands after pencil sketches. God, she hasn’t touched those in forever and she doesn’t plan to either. She looks back up again; sky meets fire on this churning evening. 

“Mina!” Sana shrieks from inside. “Are you still outside? We’re leaving in ten!”

With a sigh, Mina lets the cigarette go and doesn’t watch it fall through the sky. She turns sharply and heads back indoors. “Can’t I come like this?”

“Aw, come on,” Ironically, Sana isn’t even close to ready. A pile of clothes sits near her feet and she poses for what must be the sixteenth outfit. “At least change out of the sweatshirt. How do I look?”

“Like you wanna get into Jihyo’s pants.”

“Oh, perfect!” Mina rolls her eyes. “Now, let’s find you a top.”

“Something simple, please,” She plops on her bed. “I don’t even know what’s wrong with my sweatshirt, if we’re being honest.”

“Darling, you stink of smoke,” Sana pulls back from the closet with a glittering black tank top. Mina nuzzles her nose into the arm of her outerwear and sniffs. Oh, well, maybe the faintest hint of smoke. “Look. Simple but flashy.” She throws it on Mina’s face before she can reject it. 

“Unlike you, I am not going for a fuck.”

“No, that’s not what I’m going for,” Sana begins applying her mascara. Her lashes are long as is. “I’m going to see Chaeyoung. The sex is an added bonus.”

“Do I _have_ to go?”

“Darling, I swear, if you back out now, I won’t speak to you for months,” Sana turns, hands square on her hips. “You promised me weeks ago you would come. Besides, it’s for Chaeyoung. I’m telling you Mina, you’ll love her. She’s a whole ball of energy and she’s my best friend so she’s obviously amazing.” 

Mina snorts. “Please. If she’s anything like you, then she’s a handful at the least.” 

Sana pouts in response. “She’s a good handful,” She insists. “Besides, I feel like you’ll probably like her better than me.”

“That good, huh?”

“That good,” Sana pulls on the leather jacket over the sparkling dress. “Also, she’s hot. Totally your type.”

“I don’t have a type.” 

“Exactly,” Sana hands Mina her jacket and lighter. “She’ll become yours.”

___________________________________

_Where there is sunshine, there is shade._

___________________________________

Sana flirts her way through the line at the bar—or so she will say. Never mind that they told the bouncer up front that they’re on Nayeon’s list. 

“Oh, she should be—Chae!” Fucking hell. Mina nearly jumps; Sana was louder than the music. 

When the other girl sees Mina’s friend, she too shouts, inaudible through the beat. Sana runs into Chaeyoung’s arms and they squeeze like no tomorrow. It’s so weird to watch but also cute. Sana really missed her best friend and it’s obvious by the way she bursts into tears.

“Shit, are you crying?” Mina hears from Chaeyoung when she’s close enough. “Oh, God, I forget what a big baby you are.” Chaeyoung is gorgeous; Sana’s pictures of her do no justice. She’s got chic faded pink hair whose black roots are growing in. It ends cleanly right past her chin.. But it’s her eyes, large and catty with attitude, that catch Mina’s attention. 

“Ugh, there goes my mascara,” Sana daintily dabs at her eyes. “This is your fucking fault, I look like a raccoon.”

“You always look like a raccoon.”

“Shut up, I cried for you,” Sana lights up. “Oh! Anyway. Chae, this is Mina. Mina, Chaeyoung.”

“Fuck, you’re so pretty,” Chaeyoung leans in out of the blue, tapping cheeks with Mina so suddenly, she hopes she doesn’t blush. “I’m Chaeyoung. You’ve definitely heard of me.”

“I have,” Mina smiles softly. “Sana doesn’t shut up sometimes.”

“She’s told me a lot about you.”

“Good things, I hope.”

“Enough talking,” Sana grabs both of them by the waist and brings them close. “Y’all can talk once I get on the dance floor with Jihyo.” Mina winces, wanting the image out of her head. She’s seen Sana and Jihyo grind on each other way too many times now and it doesn’t get any more pleasant. 

Chaeyoung and Mina share a look. Chaeyoung grins and Mina tries to smile back without blushing. 

Upstairs, the private room Nayeon owns is filled with alcohol. Beer, vodka, tequila, you name it. The shitty music still blares into the room and Mina wishes again and again she hadn’t come. She wouldn’t have minded any other day, but today was particularly shitty. Instead, she reaches for a bottle and begins taking tiny sips. She’d have a long night in front of her. 

Thirty minutes later, Nayeon and Jeongyeon are making out on the couch and Sana and Jihyo have disappeared to the dance floor. Mina doesn't even care to look for them. Instead, an awkward silence falls between Chaeyoung and her. 

“Wanna… get out?” Mina finally throws a thumb at the pair who are very close to doing something Mina would much rather not see. When Chaeyoung nods eagerly, the duo pull out chairs and make their way to the edge that overlooks the dance floor.

“Dear God, I was gonna suffocate in there,” Chaeyoung groans, her own flask in hand. “The room smells like sex.”

“That's the only reason Nayeon booked it anyway.” Mina shrugs. 

“Well, enough about them,” Chaeyoung turns to Mina with a twinkle in her eyes. “Tell me about _you_.”

“What do you know so far?”

“I know you dance,” Chaeyoung rakes her memories, combing fingers through her hair as if that’s supposed to help. “I don’t think Sana’s told me what kind. You look like a tough hip-hop, tap kind of girl.”

“Ballet, actually.” Mina’s cheeks flush. She’s used to hearing it a lot and it doesn’t get less irritating.

“Oh, sorry. I shouldn’t have assumed,” Chaeyoung’s smile makes it easy to forgive. “That’s cool. Ballet’s got this elegance I’d never be capable of.”

“What else do you know about me?” Mina’s voice exposes her eagerness. She welcomes with open arms. 

“I know you smoke,” Then her face lights up. She pulls a pack of weed cigarettes. “I got the good kind. Wanna have a go?”

___________________________________

Ten minutes. Ten fucking minutes. 

“So, I’m like, ‘does anyone have any Mentos?’” Mina narrates passionately.

“And someone does!” Chaeyoung listens even _more_ passionately. 

“No,” Chaeyoung deflates a tad. “But I’m like, ‘nah, we gotta get some then’. So here I am, it’s four fucking AM and I’m at the convenience store buying a pack of Mentos and hot cheetos too, for fun.”

They split a pack with the help of Mina’s lighter and now they’re uncontrollable, erratic, nonsensical. _High_ , they’re high. 

“I go back and half the people are gone. Sana’s still there, completely knocked out and Nayeon is just as fucking into this as I am so I drop the Mentos in and the whole jug explodes!” Mina expresses the action with her arms flailing wildly. “Nayeon and I are fine, laughing our asses off, but Sana’s completely drenched. The employees were finally like, ‘that’s it, y’all get outta here’, which is fine because at this point, we’re a whole hazard. So we leave.”

“That’s it?” Chaeyoung scowls in disappointment but Mina holds up a hand.

“And it doesn’t strike me till the next morning.”

“What?” Chaeyoung’s eyes are shining.

“I don’t know if anyone paid.”

There’s a gasp. “Shut up! Shut _up_! That can’t be true. You’re a con artist, Mina, that’s what you are!” Chaeyoung roars with laughter, tears welling in her eyes. Was it really _that_ funny? “Okay, listen to this one. So I was in France for a year, right, and obviously you gotta go to the Louvre and see the paintings and all that shit. It was a great experience, loved it. But the Mona Lisa man, absolutely not worth it.”

“What?” Mina nearly spits out the vodka. “What do you mean not worth it?”

“Absolute fucking waste of my time,” Chaeyoung shakes her head. “There’s so many fucking people there, the painting’s so damn small, and you can’t stand a ten meter radius around it. I’m already a broke ass student and I was this close to demanding a refund.”

“Wow,” Mina looks genuinely disappointed. “My life has been a lie.”

“Okay, okay, your turn.”

“That wasn’t a funny story though.”

“Well too bad, I have nothing else.”

“Fine. Um, let’s see,” Mina takes the bottle from Chaeyoung and takes another sip. “Oh! So this one time, Sana and I went to this bar, okay? Jihyo was gonna come but then she had like this emergency or something so she was like I can’t come,” Behind them, another couple stumbles up, hands all over each other and clothes tearing, but the pair are too stoned to notice. “Sana’s obviously too fucking stubborn so she’s like, ‘I’m going anyway’,” Chaeyoung nearly chokes at the impression. “Obviously, Jihyo’s like, ‘Mina, you have one fucking job tonight and that’s to keep watch on Sana.’ And I’m like sure, because that’s obviously my life purpose.”

It’s not that funny, but Chaeyoung lets out peals of laughter. “And then?”

“So we go to the club. It’s going fine at first; we’re at the bar and I’m watching Sana drink and then this cute guy offers to buy me a drink. And of course, I wasn’t gonna say no to that ‘cause he’s cute _and_ buying me drinks.”

“Of course you don’t say no to that.” Chaeyoung agrees fervently. 

“Right?” Mina nods along. “So, I take the drink, flirt for like, literally three whole seconds, turn around and Sana’s gone.”

“No!” Chaeyoung squeals, then corrects herself. “Actually, I saw that coming. Sana can’t handle a single drop of booze.”

“Yeah, so I’m freaking the fuck out because Jihyo's literally gonna skin me alive,” Crash. The table behind them collapses as a couple leans over but these girls are still way too engrossed in an irrelevant story. “So I’m searching left and right and then finally I find her in the corner of the bar, somewhere near the bathrooms, on the edge of a breakdown.”

“Why?” Chaeyoung looks concerned. “What happened?”

Mina rolls her eyes. “This dumb bitch was downright crying because she just realized she had the rest of her paper due the next morning.”

For a second, Chaeyoung just stares blankly. Then the flask in her hand comes down hard as Chaeyoung lets out peals of laughter. “What? Are you serious? I did _not_ see that coming!”

“Yeah, me neither, right?” Mina takes another sip. “So, I’m like ‘okay, shit, now what the fuck am I supposed to do?’ because she’s like having a whole sobfest here. So I take her home and then pull up the paper she’s supposed to do and am like ‘okay, Sana, let’s do this.”

“And then?” 

“Fucking Sana takes one look at the doc I just opened and that passes out.”

“Stop!” Chaeyoung gasps, appalled. “Then what?”

“Obviously, I’m an amazing fucking friend so I basically learn a whole new subject in a matter of hours and search her drive for literally _anything_ that could make my life easier,” Mina groans just thinking about it. “Sometimes I think I know more about biochemistry than her.”

“Jesus fucking Christ.”

“That doesn’t even begin to encompass the whole situation,” Mina grumbles. “I was literally out here pulling an all-nighter while half-drunk for a paper on a subject that I barely heard about since high school. I finish though, eventually, with my eyes about to pop out of my skull and brain fried. Then I flop on to the bed next to Sana and we don’t wake up for the next eighteen hours.”

Chaeyoung is still speechless, wide-eyed at Mina like a deer in headlights. 

“Then Jihyo finds us later at night because neither of us are picking up our calls, she’s like ‘what the fuck, why are _both_ of you dead?’. So I explain everything to her, and Sana too because she was piss drunk. Sana literally burst into tears and vowed that she’s indebted to me for life. But then Jihyo looked at me real serious.” Mina leans in, as if telling a secret. 

“What did she say?” Chaeyoung leans in too. She’s so close. Mina swears she can smell lavender. 

“She said, and I quote,” Mina puts a hand on Chaeyoung's shoulder, imitating Jihyo. “‘You didn’t need to do all of that, but thank you so much. You’re a true friend,’” Chaeyoung's eyes are shining in awe. “Then she gave me her fucking credit card, and told me to get whatever the fuck I wanted.”

“Whatever the fuck you wanted?” It sounds too good to be true. “Just… like that?”

“Just like that,” Mina grins stupidly. “So like any sane person, I bought myself floor seats to the Ed Sheeran concert and bought the Endgame poster from the theater themselves. All three by two feet of it. With the frame. I didn’t even know you could buy those till that day. I mean, I don’t think they’re technically for sale but if you have enough money...” Mina wiggles her eyebrows knowingly. “I honestly didn’t care, thought I deserved all of it for my work. Park Jihyo didn’t bat an eye anyway.”

Chaeyoung blinks. Mina blinks back. A deep breath, then a scream. “You lucky son of a bitch! All because Sana can’t do shit by herself! Why the fuck was Jihyo paying you though when it was Sana’s paper? That’s bullshit!” Mina shrugs and Chaeyoung fumes into her flask, standing abruptly. She points into the crowd of people below. “I knew there was more to that Park fucking Jihyo but I didn’t think it’d be cash!”

“Fucking hell!” Chaeyoung's eyes are shining. “I thought the floor seats were big but bitch you got the Endgame poster! That’s what I call investing.” She gives Mina a thumbs up. “How’d she do on that paper anyway?”

Finally Mina grins widely. “An A. Could’ve been better, but also could’ve been a fucking zero so I’ll take it.”

Chaeyoung stares, then leans in. “After all of that, why the fuck is Sana not your slave yet?” 

Mina laughs and then silence ensues for a couple minutes. Or seconds. They’re higher than a kite to notice. “Hey,” Mina speaks up. “I was gonna ask you this before but I forgot,” She puts down her flask and leans in seriously. “How do escargots taste?”

“I don’t know, I’ve never tried them.”

Mina raises an eyebrow. “Are you fucking serious?”

“What?”

“I’m gonna let you think about it.”

More silence. Then a gasp. Chaeyoung shrieks. “Fuck, I was in France for a year and I never ate escargots!”

“You’re a fucking idiot.”

“I’m a fucking idiot,” Chaeyoung throws her hands up to her head. “But like, do you really think it would’ve been worth the money? Like they’re snails. How do you even make a meal out of snails? ”

“You don’t,” Mina scrunches her nose. “They’re nasty.”

“You can’t call me an idiot then,” Chaeyoung says pointedly. “That’s unfair. They're not very appealing to begin with so you can’t really blame me for not eating them.” 

“That’s because you lived in fucking France for a year and didn’t try them,” Mina shrugs with one shoulder. “It’s more of a customary, obligation thing. You just gotta try it.”

“Fair enough,” Chaeyoung leans back in her chair. Under her breath, she mumbles something more about being an idiot. “God, what was I even doing in France?”

“Wasting money on the Louvre to see the Mona Lisa?”

Chaeyoung laughs. “You know, you’re actually more interesting than I expected.”

“Wow, that’s nice to hear.”

“Okay, you know that’s not what I meant. But like, Sana was like ‘be nice to her, she’s kinda quiet and she hasn’t been quite herself lately’ so I was really expecting you to be some sort of moody emo kid.”

Moody emo kid. Jesus fucking Christ, Sana. “I’m not moody.”

“No, you’re not. You’re actually kind of chill. But that might just be because you’re drunk and high.”

“What? I- I’m not moody, I think. I don’t know. Fuck.” Mina sighs.

Maybe the look on Mina’s face indicates how overwhelmed she is because Chaeyoung doesn’t push it. Empathy is underrated. 

As Chaeyoung says nothing, Mina continues hesitantly. Silence is a clever invitation for more talk. “It’s stupid. I don’t know why Sana thinks that, shit. I guess it’s ‘cause I’ve kind of been overwhelmed lately because of dance and class and this number I’ve been working on and—” She might be drunk and rambling but she stops herself before she crosses lines she’ll regret later. “I don’t know.”

Chaeyoung has those cat shaped eyes and defined brows and Mina can barely meet her eyes. When Chaeyoung advances towards her, she has no idea what to do. She just stands there like a drunk fool (she _is_ a drunk fool) and stares at Chaeyoung’s lips. 

“What?” 

Chaeyoung doesn’t say anything. She just looks at Mina with pretty eyes and gaze so intense Mina thinks she might explode. Mina swallows once, eyes shifting nervously to parts of her face, lingering a bit too long on the lips. Chaeyoung doesn’t say anything for a long time. 

She finally speaks, voice barely above a whisper, and Mina remembers to breathe. “Do you want to feel a little less overwhelmed for a bit?”

___________________________________

Mina doesn’t remember the events of last night quite well. Not at least after they left the bar. She remembers the makeout session with Chaeyoung last night in the disgusting bathroom stall, but the sounds that left both their lips were even filthier. Whatever she felt in the stall last night was clearly not enough since Mina got more. She recalls heading back to Chaeyoung’s place before everything disappears. 

So while Mina is not surprised when she wakes up in Chaeyoung’s bed, she’s a bit flustered at their bodies pressed against each other. It felt right, for some reason. 

An attempt to speak was interrupted by a hungover head and all Mina lets out are incoherent sounds. To her surprise, Chaeyoung, who is snuggled tightly next to her, giggles softly. “I guess you’re up, huh?”

“Yeaahh,” It wasn’t meant to be that long. “Uhh. Wha- what time?”

“Late,” Chaeyoung hasn’t budged. “Too late for you to do anything productive so just stay put.”

Mina would like to protest, get a proper answer at the least, but she chooses to shut up. There is a brief moment of silence before Chaeyoung speaks. 

“Wow, you really stayed put. I thought you were more stubborn than that.”

“I-”

“I’m kidding love, I’m kidding,” Chaeyoung’s fingers gently trace over Mina’s stomach. “I remember a tattoo here, but I couldn’t see it properly. What is it?”

 _What tatt-_ Oh. The tattoo. Yes.“ _Jinaga,_ ” Mina breathes. “Everything passes, everything goes.”

“I like that,” Chaeyoung sighs. “It sounds beautiful.” 

Mina doesn’t dare tell her she doesn’t believe it. They are words she heard in passing once when she was young and it stuck with her since. She’d believed in it for a long time, but sometimes we lose our beliefs. Now the ink is a reminder of blind faith. 

The conversation lulls and Mina finds herself wondering why the arms of a stranger feels so right. She’s never experienced butterflies like this before. She doesn’t even remember the night before. What had she done? She hasn’t drunk to a blackout in such a long time.

“What happened last night?”

“Well, we fucked.” For some reason, Mina smiles. 

“I’m well aware of that part,” She huffs lightly. “I mean in between.”

“You were drunk,” Mina plans to interrupt indignantly with another “I know” but Chaeyoung continues. “Like really drunk. You lasted only slightly less than me, which is impressive ‘cause I have good tolerance. But you began to talk; you talked about yourself.”

Mina stiffens. “What did I say?”

“Lots of random stuff,” Chaeyoung chuckles at the memory but it only adds to the growing pit in Mina’s stomach. “You told me about how you like to draw, and how your favorite colors are black, white, and everything in between,” It squeezes inside of her. “You told me how you love dancing but you feel like it’s no longer complete. You said you had no idea what you meant by that. You said that you like going out for walks whenever you feel like it, midnight to dawn, but no, you’re not an insomniac.”

“Did I- did I say anything else?” Her heart pounds against her chest like it wants to escape. Mina wishes she could let it. 

“You told me you were lonely.” There is something odd about hearing the words out loud. They weren’t the words she expected and she’s glad she didn’t blab anything more. But _these_ words.

“Did I say that?” Mina is surprised that the tone isn’t one of denial but one of confusion but she hides her uncertainty. She knew she said she was overwhelmed and stressed but _lonely_?

“Yeah, you did.”

“I- I don’t know why I said that.”

Chaeyoung pauses for a second. She’s smarter than she lets on. “Do you _think_ you’re lonely?”

“No? Kind of?” Mina groans. It’s too early in the morning for this. Or too late, literally speaking. “I don’t know. Sometimes, I guess I feel like I’m by myself.” _You idiot, that’s basically the same thing._ Either way, she doesn’t know why it’s so easy to tell the girl lying next to her. She doesn’t even know Chaeyoung’s last name. 

“I think you’re lonely.” Chaeyoung says softly. 

Mina doesn’t get mad or offended, even though deep down she feels like she should. “How can you tell?”

“Because I’ve been lonely,” Chaeyoung meets Mina’s eyes. She wears a pleasant, sad-and-soft smiley expression. Seeing her clearly, Mina realizes how beautiful the elder is. More beautiful than last night. Stupid bar lighting didn’t do her any justice. “And I looked just like you.”

“Ah,” Mina says lamely. Maybe another day, another time, another person, and she would’ve gotten mad. Because you don’t just tell a person they _look_ lonely, do you? But Mina can’t even imagine getting genuinely mad at the girl next to her. She feels it would be _wrong_. Strange. “Do I?”

“It’s okay to be lonely,” Chaeyoung strokes her hair. Mina feels patronized but she doesn’t say anything. She kind of… likes it? “We’re all lonely. If you want, I can be lonely with you.”

Mina chuckles softly. She likes the way the words were put together. “I like that.”

She’s saying yes, but she doesn’t know to what. 

___________________________________

_To close your eyes will not ease another’s pain._

___________________________________

halcyon (ENG)

(adj.) denoting a period of time in the past that was idyllically happy and peaceful.

(n.) a mythical bird said by ancient writers to breed in a nest floating at sea at the winter solstice, charming the wind and waves into calm.

.

.

.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello readers!! Thank you for taking a shot at this story and I hope you're enjoyed it so far!
> 
> This is basically an original story I had been working on, but my main character was named Mina (kind of influenced by real Mina) and there was Sana as a best friend so I was like hey, you could make this a twice fic and call it a day. So here we are lol.. just keep in mind their ages are all over the place as a result. 
> 
> There is angst, disclaimer.. basically Mina's character coming to terms with her anxiety, depression, and loneliness. Not inspired by any true events, but some character traits were taken from members.
> 
> it's been a while since I last posted writing publicly anywhere, so I'm kind of nervous lol... I hope it's good. Sorry if it's kind of boring for now, but things will pick up soon! Let me know your thoughts! :)


	2. 눈치

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is kind of(?) edited?? There are probably mistakes in here, so unless they're like catastrophic, hopefully, you can ignore them.

**“YOU LIVE TWO** floors above me.” Chaeyoung phrases it rightfully so as a statement. Her face is incredulous. 

“I guess so,” Mina stares disbelievingly. 

“How is that even possible?”

“I mean technically it _is_ possible. A coincidence, maybe?”

“How did you not know?”

“How am _I_ supposed to know where _you_ live?”

“Did I not tell Sana?” Chaeyoung scratches her head. “I swear I told Sana. Maybe I forgot.”

“You travelled a lot so you were probably tired and forgot.” Mina says very matter-of-factly.

“God, it was hell getting everything here. And I didn't even bring everything.” 

“I can’t believe I didn’t notice this last night though.”

“You were dead drunk last night. I’d be surprised if you _did_ ,” Chaeyoung chuckles, relaxing. “But this makes things easier. Go clean yourself up; I know we both stink like shit but we can’t smell it ‘cause we’ve been rotting for so long,” She pushes Mina towards her door. “Come for dinner. At eight. Hangover food but not really.” It’s an order, not a request. Then she skips down the stairs, not looking back. 

Mina doesn’t even know the hours that go by after she showers. She finds herself eating cereal without milk in front of her phone before she dozes off. She’s never had a day go this unproductively. It’s a bit past eight when Mina startles awake. Hastily, she changes into jeans before heading back down. 

Seeing the stairs at night without the sunlight streaming in brings back memories. She vaguely recalls stumbling up stairs with a giggling Chaeyoung. When she remembers them stripping without shame, she flushes red. Hurriedly, she taps her cheeks in a feeble attempt to cool them down. God, last night felt like an eternity ago. 

Right after knocking, Mina wonders if this is a mistake. What if Chaeyoung regrets it? What if she didn’t mean it? But the lovely smile on the elder’s face is refreshing, like a splash of cold water. She’s dressed in sweatpants and her bright hair is twisted into something. Mina didn’t know she wore glasses. Actually, she doesn’t know a lot of things about Chaeyoung. “You actually came,” Chaeyoung exclaims. “I really thought you weren’t gonna show.”

“Sorry, I kind of overslept.”

“Love, it’s eight o’clock.”

“I kind of sleep whenever I feel like it.” Chaeyoung purses her lips in amusement. 

“That’s fair, I guess,” When they step into the living room, Mina notices music playing in the background. “Come on, I was this close to wondering if I could eat two portions.”

Mina’s taken aback when she sees takeout Thai food seated on the coffee table. “Sorry if you were expecting home cooked food, but after the second batch, I realized today was _not_ the day to cook. Thai food isn’t all that easy apparently. I also didn't have most of the ingredients,” Chaeyoung confesses. “I was gonna at least move it to a dish and pretend I made it myself, but I didn’t feel like washing dishes either so here we are.” 

Mina snickers, amused. She is allured by the girl’s careless attitude. She sees why her and Sana are friends; both had loud, silly yet attractive personalities. She can’t help but feel that she’ll like her better than Sana for some reason. The girl’s presence is too comforting. She doesn’t know why. 

Sana doesn’t know why either. “Look at y’all,” She comments when they’re at Sana’s room. They’re all lazed around all over the place. Sana raises her brows in fake annoyance. “Gosh, Mina, have you stolen my best friend in less than a week?”

“It’s ‘cause we’re neighbors and you’re basically a useless best friend,” Chaeyoung retorts, taking a chip “Someone needs to hang out with me.”

“You have me though!”

“Sana, you’re sucking your girlfriend’s face half the time.”

Sana huffs, crossing her arms. Chaeyoung laughs in response, squeezing her arm. “Aw, don’t be all jealous. If anything, I should be. May I remind you who knows what you did the summer of ‘09? Or the box of letters you’ve never sent? Or who your gay awakening—”

“Shut it!” Sana squeals and Mina smiles emptily at the banter. She wishes she had a best friend like that. 

The evening drags on and it’s another Saturday, so another bar. It’s poor logic but Sana and Nayeon think it’s irrefutable. Mina exchanges a look with Jihyo and they can feel each other groan on the inside. 

It doesn’t last long, of course, because Jihyo is fucking whipped for Sana. Mina experiences yet another betrayal as the duo slide into the dance floor within minutes of getting alcohol in their system. Chaeyoung has also disappeared off to somewhere so it’s just Mina, a bottle of vodka, a pack of cigarettes, and her lighter. It leaves her kind of disappointed for reasons she can't explain. Knowing full well no one would miss her if she left, Mina gathers her belongings and leaves. 

It’s too simple that Mina laughs out loud when she’s far from anyone’s hearing distance. Away from the bar and out in the streets, it finally hits her. She’d never actually had the balls to leave before—courtesy or something—but did that really matter anymore? The only reason she ever went along with Sana was to be a good friend and the alcohol (let’s not forget the free alcohol).

She kicks a stone forward, feeling the corners of her eyes burn. She wanted to be angry but at what? At Sana and Nayeon and Jihyo and Chaeyoung for living their lives? One that she couldn’t feel the joy of no matter what? She kicks the rock further this time, frustrated. 

She watches it hit a tree and bounce right back. _What the fuck._ She stares for a second, appalled, before laughing in disbelief. The refusal to move forward feels like a direct jab at her. Of course it was. The universe just wants to personally attack her. Mina wants to cry. 

She feels like she’s been walking forever and she half expects to get jumped in her condition. _What a fucking loser you are, Mina,_ she thinks while fishing out a cigarette. The click of the lighter, the stinging smell of the smoke, and the feel of it all against her lips makes it feel like a deja vu. It’s probably because she’s attached to the fumes and the ash and temporary feeling of fresh air she gets from it. Never mind why she started the habit; it’s become a part of her now. 

She takes a seat against a ledge of long planter. Mina blinks at her surroundings; fuck, she has no idea where she is, does she? Sad. Sad. _Sad_. You’re so _sad,_ Mina. Finally she gives in and the tears fall in silence. Mina has never been the type to cry with her whole chest; she’s one of _those_ people that cry pretty. Her tears fall like diamonds and wet her cheeks like rain against a windowpane. She doesn’t sob, no, she just bites her lip to stop trembling while staring off into the unknown, cigarette in between two fingers. 

It’s a pitiful scene to anyone watching but it’s happened too often to be anything painful now. Crying becomes habit for some people, so much so that they notice when they _haven’t_ cried in a long time. 

“Hi.” Mina looks up and sees Chaeyoung. She looks a bit worn out since the last time Mina saw her.

“Hi.” Chaeyoung doesn’t comment on Mina’s tears and Mina makes no effort to hide them. 

“I have a burger,” Chaeyoung sheepishly holds out a bag of fast food. “Two actually. I was gonna eat them both but here. Burgers make things better. And nuggets. I got the spicy ones.” Chaeyoung unfolds a whole meal on the ledge. 

“Please tell me you got ketchup.”

“Well, I did, but you don’t want that, do you?”

When Mina nods eagerly, Chaeyoung cringes in disgust. “I am disappointed, love, ketchup is for noobs.”

“I love ketchup!” Mina insists and Chaeyoung sighs, fishing out a single packet while grumbling. 

“I am going to introduce you to more acceptable condiments,” Chaeyoung points avidly. She’s still slightly tipsy. “For example, honey mustard.” Chaeyoung dunks a nugget into the sauce while Mina rolls her eyes. 

She hasn’t had fast food in months, maybe a year. They eat in silence and Mina is so grateful for Chaeyoung. There are so many questions sinking the air right now but Chaeyoung’s breezy personality seems to lift all of them away.

There’s an unspoken agreement to walk home. There’s an unspoken agreement to share the drink on the way. There’s an unspoken agreement to see who can kick stones further. _Unspoken._ Mina really likes that. 

It’s only when they reach Mina’s couch does Chaeyoung ask the question. “Why were you crying?”

A steady pause and hitched breath. “I don’t know,” Mina says softly. “I just cry when I’m sad.”

“Why were you sad?”

“I wish I knew. I’m sad for a lot of things,” Mina lets her eyes close. She doesn’t feel brave enough to face Chaeyoung. “I think I really _am_ lonely.” There’s a lingering pause.

“You shouldn’t cry anymore.”

“Why?” That’s not what you’re supposed to say. “They say it’s better to cry, instead of bottling it all up.”

“Yeah. They—whoever the fuck _they_ is—are right,” Chaeyoung begins drawing circles on the back of Mina’s palm. It sends a shiver down her spine. “But _you-_ you don’t need to cry anymore.”

Mina stays silent.

“Because you like crying, don’t you?” She hates how easily Chaeyoung reads her. Stripping naked in front of Chaeyoung was nothing. What _was_ terrifying, though, was the way Mina was but an open book to her. It makes her feel transparent or stupid. Or both. “You cry way too calmly. Too eerie. Too pretty.” She doesn’t know if she should feel offended or complimented. 

Crying did in fact make her feel better. Temporary relief, like Advil or Tylenol. She knows it’s unhealthy; it was only a matter of time before she built tolerance for that too. 

She doesn’t respond to the observation as she drifts into sleep. What would she say anyway? 

_It’s because everyday I feel like I’m falling and I’m scared of getting hurt. And I don’t know how to make it stop._

___________________________________

_A small hole not mended in time will become a big hole much more difficult to mend._

___________________________________

The next time they visit a bar, Mina goes for Chaeyoung. She doesn’t understand where the others get their energy to party, but since Chaeyoung so politely requests Mina’s presence, she feels she has to go. She doesn’t regret it because the elder stays with her the entire time. 

Nayeon must have noticed Mina’s boredom in these situations because she offers her a pack of weed cigarettes. “Might help you loosen up.” The other had said and Mina immediately remembers that last time she was high, she had a good fuck. While she didn’t necessarily mind doing it again, she and Chaeyoung were a bit _too_ acquainted for that, right? A one night stand was supposed to be, as the name suggested, a _one night thing._ It would be weird if she ended up trying something.

She still takes the joint though. 

“Do you like getting high?” Chaeyoung asks curiously as she lights one.

“Not really,” Mina admits. “But Nayeon is right. I do loosen up.”

Chaeyoung stares at her a bit, then shrugs. “Alright then.”

And so ten minutes, or thirty minutes, maybe even an hour later they’re back to the setup of their first meeting: sharing random stories. Once again, Chaeyoung wonders what Mina’s true self is because the stories she shares are so uncharacteristic. For someone who holds herself quietly, Mina has certainly done some questionable stuff.

“So you just made out with him? Just like that?”

“We did a bit more than making out later.” Mina admits slyly.

“You knew nothing about him!” Chaeyoung protests, leaning away from the wall. “He could’ve had STDs or something.”

“He told me he was clean,” She shrugs. “And we used protection.”

“Oh my fucking God, Mina.”

“We still talk,” Mina confesses, a lopsided grin on her face. “Got his number the next morning. He mostly sends memes.”

“That’s crazy.”

“I’m… kind of crazy.”

“I didn’t know that,” Chaeyoung shakes her head. “I thought you were pretty reserved.”

“Kind of, I guess. I know I don't look the part. You can be crazy and reserved,” Mina says more quietly. The high must be wearing off and Mina’s too tired to go for another round. “I change for my surroundings. And what goes in my system, of course.”

The elder stares at her sadly. Mina smiles happily at Chaeyoung. “You’re beautiful. Have I told you that?”

Chaeyoung chuckles. “Yeah, you have.”

“Well, you should hear it again then,” Mina leans in closer. She’s feeling bold tonight. Let her brush it off tomorrow but tonight she wants to admire her. _Stupid,_ that voice inside her calls but she ignores once again. _So stupid._ “Because you’re really, _really_ pretty.”

Visibly, Chaeyoung is collected but she’s taken aback by the forwardness. But instead of dismissing the girl’s advances, she decides to play her cards. She places one hand around Chaeyoung’s waist to pull her closer and another to the side of her face. Mina is all too eager and presses her lips against the elder. 

It’s crazy how they fit into each other’s bodies, as if premade and destined. Mina recognizes the thrill in her stomach as the one from the last time they did this. Their lips are earnest and desperate and it sends a rush of euphoria throughout Mina’s body. They meld together like an alloy, skin on fire with every touch. Chaeyoung takes her time marking Mina, lips tracing down her neck and stopping wherever she sees fit. She wants to leave marks blossoming everywhere but that would be for later in the night, when clothes didn't prevent her from doing as she wished.

There was something about kissing Chaeyoung. She tasted amazing, like she _hadn’t_ just smoked a joint with Mina, like strawberries and cigarettes—just like that damn Troye Sivan song (she likes that song).

But Mina also loved Chaeyoung’s touch. She was gentle with her hands and aggressive with her lips and Mina could not quite forget the image of Chaeyoung over her, eyes like a feline. She wanted more and since she was too scared to ask for it properly, she does it under the pretense of the atmosphere. 

They stumble back and Chaeyoung’s hands find their way down. Pinning Mina against the wall, Chaeyoung gently squeezes her ass and a moan spills from Mina’s mouth. Fuck. _Just as good as last time, huh?_ Mina’s hands grab avidly at Chaeyoung’s hair, pressing lips against her neck while Chaeyoung’s fingers explore her body. They reach underneath clothes and trace over tattoos and press against her chest. Mina’s mind is filled with too much and she can barely concentrate. She bites into Chaeyoung’s collarbone, earning a hiss, before savoring the taste of her skin. Fuck. _Fuck._

As per the last time, Mina realized they weren’t into pillowtalk. They jumped right in, knowing exactly what the other wanted, delivering everything without words. Mina lets her hands sneak under Chaeyoung’s waistband, earning a startled gasp. _Fuck. It’s so hot._ She silences the elder with another smothering kiss, wet and aching. Chaeyoung takes over, playing with her bottom lip till they both need more air. 

Mina likes kissing Chaeyoung. She likes feeling like she’s intoxicated and the sounds the pair force from each other. She knows that a bit more, and she’ll be addicted, but it doesn’t sound all that bad. Chaeyoung does something (Mina doesn’t remember what) and she lets out a heavy moan hidden by the music. 

No, it doesn’t sound that bad at all. 

___________________________________

“Holy shit,” Mina places a hand on her forehead. “My head’s killing me.”

“You didn’t notice that while we were making out though.”

“Of course not, we were _making out._ ” Mina emphasizes and Chaeyoung laughs. 

“That’s what we get, I guess,” Chaeyoung pats Mina’s head gently, smiling. “For getting high while drinking.”

“Why’re we out here again?” They left the bar five minutes ago and are now aimlessly roaming the streets.

“I wanted to get air. That place was getting hot.”

“That’s ‘cause we were horny.”

“Fair enough,” Chaeyoung takes a deep breath in. “So what now? I kind of want to fuck but our place is too far.”

“You can get in my pants later,” Chaeyoung is taken aback by the shamelessness as Mina shrugs. There was clearly lots to learn about the younger girl. “We have time.”

“We could talk then.”

“About what?”

“You know, despite spending some time together, we don’t really know much about each other.”

“I thought I basically spilled my guts to you the first time.”

“Not my fault you’re a lightweight.”

“I am not!” Mina protests. “I handle my shots great. You just have a crazy tolerance.”

“True. Can’t blame myself for being so amazing.”

“Getting back on topic…”

“We could play twenty questions?”

“What are you, twelve?”

“And a half, thank you,” Chaeyoung watches Mina kick a stone. “Seriously though. It's a great conversation builder.”

Mina stares silently. She’s not one to talk about herself. Noticing her silence, Chaeyoung corrects her offer. “How about one? One question?”

“Fine. Ask away.”

“How do you feel about me plunging right in? To the deep stuff?” There’s a question you don’t hear everyday. Eager, wasn’t she?

“Okay.” Mina’s not sure how she feels about this. 

“Name three things you like and hate about yourself.” Holy shit. That was cheating. That was, what, six questions into one. Fucking Chaeyoung.

“You already asked a question though,” Mina bites back a smile. “It’s my turn.”

“What?”

“You asked how I felt about a deep question. That was a question, remember?”

“Shut up,” Chaeyoung groans and Mina giggles. “Don’t be that person.”

“Alright, I’m just kidding.” She smiles but her inside squeezes. Ah. Stuff like this stresses Mina out. She blows out the smoke in her mouth. It’s a regular smoke this time. She should’ve known being with Chaeyoung is a high on its own.

“Um, things I like about myself are that I can usually read rooms, moods, that kind of thing.” It feels weird, coming out of her mouth. Mina hopes she isn’t blushing for the fifteenth time tonight. “I can take social cues, basically, better than most people. It's probably because I don't contribute anything to the mood so I just enjoy watching people, you know? I also like my discipline; you kinda need that for ballet. And, I guess, I guess I like that I’m still pushing forward,” _Kind of._ ”Despite all the shit that’s happened.” Chaeyoung doesn’t say anything, just nods along. 

“Things that I hate are, well, I’m a perfectionist. I get frustrated at myself really easily. I’m also way too sensitive. Sometimes I take things too seriously, think over them for a lot longer than I need to. And then I just try to smoke it all out.” It was supposed to be light-hearted, make Chaeyoung laugh, but neither of them do. Both of them just stare off into the streets, eyes blurring. “And the last one is that a lot of the times, I feel like I’m lying to myself.”

A breeze blows by and it shakes the tree on the other side of the street. Mina watches a single leaf fall. 

“Okay, your turn,” Mina says hurriedly. “Same question.”

“Same question, huh?” Chaeyoung seems more relaxed than the younger. Mina wonders if Chaeyoung thinks about this a lot. “Three things I like about myself are my free spirit,” Chaeyoung smiles into nothingness because no one can judge us there. “I like wandering and just living in the moment. I also like my honesty. With that comes bluntness but I like my lines drawn clearly, you know?”

A little smile tempts at Mina’s lips. “I know.”

“And, I guess I also like my endurance. No matter what, I’ve still lived twenty four years of my life, and these days, that’s hard.” It’s _supposed_ to be happy, but Mina’s throat clenches. She thinks again. No, that’s not supposed to be happy at all. All kinds of people, even the cheerful, are fucked up. 

“On the other hand, three things I hate about myself are, I’m a hypocrite. I’d never take my own advice, even if it sounds smarter than what would normally come out of my mouth. I’m also more selfish than I’d let myself admit, and I’m a fucking idiot since I never ate escargot in France.”

“You’re not gonna let that go.”

“I’m _never_ letting that go.” Chaeyoung lets her legs swing. “But the last one is,” She scratches the back of her neck. “Sometimes, when I smile, I think I’m pretending.”

Mina doesn’t look at her, because if she were the girl, she wouldn’t want any stares no matter the intent. She takes a long drag of her cigarette. Feigning happiness, huh? She knows it all too well. 

There’s a long silence and then Chaeyoung speaks again. “Aren’t we fucked up?” It’s another question. 

Mina sighs. “Isn’t everyone a little bit?”

Mina wishes she could say people are fixable, but it’s not true. People aren’t put back together to become whole again. No. People pick up pieces, hold them close, and cope. _Cope._ Fucked up people don’t heal; they plough through the pain till they don’t have the mental capacity to care for it anymore. 

_Is that what she’s doing right now?_

“I’m sorry. I just like deep questions, you know, self-reflection kind of ish. Thinking is fun, but I should know that some people don’t enjoy that,” Chaeyoung shakes her head. “I plunged completely, didn’t I?”

“You did,” Mina doesn’t try to make light of it. “But I’m kind of glad. I don’t have these kinds of talks with people.” Her throat feels like cotton, choking with smoke and thoughts. “I feel like I was honest with myself. It’s been a long time since I last was.”

“You’re sad,” Chaeyoung’s fingers brush over Mina’s. “But you do a really good job at hiding it.”

“Yeah. I think it’s ‘cause I’m lonely, but I feel like there’s more,” She’s only partially honest. All she can catch are the little things; her moves aren’t right, she doesn’t flow as smooth, her sketches are lost, smoke just floats, and she’s just falling infinitely. But she doesn’t know when she fell off. She doesn’t know why. “I wish I could tell you why.”

Chaeyoung nods. Her fingers intertwine into Mina’s. “I’m just falling and falling and falling,” It’s so quiet. Silence is a blessing. Silence scares Mina. “And I don’t know how to stop.”

“I’ll catch you,” It’s a small promise, but words mean a lot. To Mina, words mean more than a dance, more than a sketch, more than a kiss. But Chaeyoung still adds the latter. She stops and reaches for Mina’s face before placing a gentle kiss on her lips. “You caught me today. I’ll catch you tomorrow.”

“I caught you?”

“There are things in this world that are both beautiful and terrifying,” Chaeyoung says quietly. “For me, the most beautiful and terrifying thing is _this_ ,” She takes Mina’s hand and they reach for the skies. “That we can unknowingly leave someone with something they’ll remember for the rest of their life.” 

“Just imagine that,” Chaeyoung spreads her fingers wide. Mina sees the stars between them. She thinks that she saw some earlier, in Chaeyoung’s eyes. “There is someone out there that you probably don’t even know but you’ve done something they’ll never forget.” 

It sounds beautiful, but the thought terrifies Mina and she shudders into Chaeyoung. She’s done a lot, said a lot, regretted a lot. She’s not confident enough to stay positive. The night watches pitifully, shaking its head with the breeze. 

___________________________________

_When the winds of change blow, some people build walls and others build windmills._

___________________________________

눈치 _nunchi_ (KOR)

(n.) the subtle art of evaluating others’ moods from their unspoken communications and knowing what not to say in a certain social situation.

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**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I dunno if you've noticed, but each chapter title is and will be a word in different languages. Don't stress if you don't know them or can't read them because I'll always define them at the end of the chapter and say where they're from. 
> 
> They're kind of an important part of the story and hopefully you'll enjoy learning about them! :)


	3. lagom

**SMOKE AND ASH**. That’s what they are. Sad residues of cigarettes that stain their lungs and blend with the air. Yet Mina smells something sweet, not quite vanilla but not completely floral. When her eyes flutter open, she’s not surprised to find herself in Chaeyoung’s bed. 

“Your breathing changed,” Chaeyoung turns over, snuggling in closer, eyes still closed. “I guess you’re awake.”

“Wha- what time is it?” 

“Surprisingly early.”

“ _Chaeyoung_.”

“It is, really,” Chaeyoung’s hands squeeze Mina’s waist. “It’s almost ten.” Mina relaxes. 

“What happened last night?”

“You don’t remember?”

“No, I do,” Mina groans. A killer headache has shown up. “I’d like a refresher because my brain hurts to think.”

“Let’s see. We got to the bar at like eleven-thirty. We got high at twelve. We left God knows when but I remember reading one ish somewhere. Then we fucked around at the bus stop for maybe an hour. Then we quite literally fucked at like two? I’d say we slept at like three.”

Huh. “Not bad.”

“I’m still tired though.”

“Aren’t we all?” Mina says quietly. She lets her eyes relax. “We’ve made it to twenty one.” She didn’t plan on changing the mood like this, but Chaeyoung isn’t fazed. 

“Ah, that we have.”

“You told me you’ll catch me today.”

“I plan to.”

“How?” Mina’s throat is thick. Fuck. It’s not even ten in the morning, yet she’s already choked up? “How do you make it stop falling for good?”

“Who said anything about stopping for good?” Mina’s eyes flash open, but Chaeyoung is still curled up peacefully.

“What?”

“I don’t know if I can make it stop,” Chaeyoung sighs. “That’s up to you. But I _can_ catch you.”

“Aren’t- aren’t they the same thing?”

“No, love, they’re not,” Maybe Chaeyoung senses Mina tensing up because she places a light kiss on her jaw. “I can catch you for however long you want, every single day. But you’re not going to stop falling until you decide you’re not scared of getting hurt.” 

Mina’s voice catches in her throat. “ I was falling before too and someone caught me. They caught me everyday for a long time and then I wasn’t scared of falling anymore,” There’s something about her face that’s so serene. “But then I began falling _again_. Except this time, there was no one to catch me and I had to deal with it myself. And it was working. Just when I thought I was going to slip again, you caught me,” Mina’s confused. There’s so much Chaeyoung means but she doesn’t know if she understands it all. “So, I’m not going to catch you all the time. I’m going to teach you how to overcome your fear of hurting,” Are overcoming and coping the same thing? “I’m going to teach you how to catch yourself.” 

“I’m not gonna lie, I don’t get it.” Embarrassment tints at her cheeks, leaving her warm. 

“It’s okay, love, we have time.” Chaeyoung places another kiss, this time higher up on her lips. 

Mina likes that, having more time, that is. People have always left without telling her so she likes the way Chaeyoung makes it sound. She’s never had someone inadvertently promise to her that they were staying.

___________________________________

_Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish, and you feed him for a lifetime._

___________________________________

Mina is particular about her dance. No matter how many classes she has that day or other reservations, she mandates two hours of practice every day. Even if she’s hungover, even if she has the most packed schedule in the world, at least two hours of her day are dedicated just for her ballet. Except that one Saturday. 

_Practice._ It rings in her head like second nature. She doesn’t question it, though. No, not practice. Practice was an order. It was the only way to pick up the pieces. 

_Cope._

Time is but a number as Mina stands in front of the mirrors on hardwood floor and turns. The turns aren’t quite like they once were. Deep down Mina’s scared they’ll never be. She watches herself struggle and cringes at herself. Wrong. _Again._

She insisted—no, convinced—herself that time would heal all wounds. Time needed patience and perseverance, both of which she was willing to give. But it has been days; it has been months; it has been years. How much longer must a person wait for things to glue back together?

She wonders, deep down, if time was just making things worse. Her thoughts hide her tears and she wipes her cheeks on the edge of her shirt. _Again,_ it repeats, _and as many times as necessary._

Hours later, she is exhausted. Two hours is a minimum. Just a baseline. Mina’s sweat gleams against her skin, body tense and tired. She had a couple cigarettes in between, but it was too early in the morning to feel satisfied, especially when the work was not satisfactory. 

Mina doesn’t like mornings. Correction: Mina doesn’t like classes in the morning. All her classes are set for at least after eleven so Mina comfortably stays up late as long as needed (five hours of sleep is usually enough). 

Getting up early is fine, totally okay. It’s when she has to get up and go somewhere she’s completely _not_ okay with is when things get annoying. It’s mostly because Mina doesn’t like schedules. When she feels like it, she’ll do it. It’s a poor policy, because Mina doesn’t feel much except ballet and sleep. 

Either way, Mina still gets up in the morning when she can. At seven-thirty sharp, she heads outside to breathe. Just for a couple minutes, she’ll just stand there like an idiot with her eyes closed and breathe. Coincidentally enough, Chaeyoung manages to show up at the _exact same time, who would’ve thought_ to go for work. 

The first few times, it was awkward. Like really fucking awkward. Chaeyoung just stared and Mina blinked back, unsure what to do. But very quickly, it became a ritual. Chaeyoung waits for Mina in the morning, Mina meets her downstairs, now they _both_ breathe together, Chaeyoung hands her juice, and they share small talk before they both leave for their duties (for Mina, this is mostly sleep again).

However, during this small talk, Mina learns more about Chaeyoung than she’d been prepared for. 

First and foremost, Chaeyoung is successful. Deciding she wanted a gap year after high school, she headed to Europe where she went on a creative roll, making good money off art and story commissions. She traveled, went to college, and enjoyed herself very much. She was a liberal arts student, majoring in sociology and minoring in journalism, and took classes in creative writing and art. If that weren’t enough, she came back after being accepted into a digital media company as a news writer. Mina swallows heavily; talk about being accomplished. And here she was, a couple years behind and struggling to plough through her biomedical sciences classes. 

Hearing all of that only made Mina feel more sorry for herself. Already an individual with low self-esteem, Mina was growing more anxious. While balancing her classes and dance wasn’t hard, her inner discontent was growing. All throughout her childhood, Mina thrived with praises and accomplishments but a couple years later, she was stuck. It was as if she’d stepped into a patch of superglue that everyone else avoided. 

Still, Mina appreciated the time Chaeyoung gave her everyday. Sana and Jihyo have been dating forever and once Nayeon finally got together with Jeongyeon, everyone seemed to be busy with their own ish. And of course, it wasn’t just the mornings they shared. Chaeyoung visited frequently, came to fawn over her Marvel poster before casually(?) transitioning into something more intimate. 

Mina enjoyed it thoroughly if she were being honest. A distraction was exactly what she needed and Chaeyoung was more than willing to please her. It didn’t hit her until the fourth time that there was something wrong. 

“Chaeyoung,” She asks quietly as they lay curled together on a Sunday morning. Mina has been spending the last couple weeks like this. “I don’t mean to offend in any way and I’m sorry if this comes off as rude, but what— _this —_what’s in it for you?” The words sound awful leaving her lips and Mina wants to take them back immediately. “Wait- fuck, no—”

Chaeyoung hums. “Don’t stress, love,” She just knows, doesn’t she? “You have a valid reason to ask. And the answer I offer you is that I think I need a distraction too.”

“You’re still falling?” 

“Nah. I’m not falling, but it’s been really stressful the past few years. I’ve been constantly moving, an on-the-edge-of-my-seat feeling, you know?” She doesn’t but Mina nods anyway. “Settling down feels weird. It’s like a chapter of my life and all the shit inside of it has finally closed. Which is great and all, but it’s just… strange, I guess.”

Somehow, Mina understands that. “Yeah. I get that,” Deep down she knows why. Except her chapter was closed against her own wishes so she still tries to turn back the pages. “I definitely get that.”

She’s glad she asked the question; it feels lighter against her chest. There’s still ambiguity though. Only half of her uneasiness is gone. Half. 

“So,” Chaeyoung props her head up with a hand. “What’re your plans for today?”

“Practice.”

“For the next…” Chaeyoung nearly breaks her neck craning to look at the time. “Eight hours?”

 _Possibly. Potentially. Probably._ “Well, no, I guess.”

“I guess?”

“No. I mean, no.” _No she doesn’t._

“Great. Let’s go out.” Mina forgets how easy it is to choke on absolutely nothing. 

“Oh, love, so eager, are we?” Chaeyoung pats the younger’s back, laughing. 

“Sorry,” Mina says breathing sharply and not quite meeting the other’s eyes. “Caught me off guard there.”

“We can go out as whatever you want, love, label it something or nothing,” Mina wonders when she approved of “love”. “But right now, I just want food. I am curious if the cuisine here is even close to Europe.”

“Are you fucking serious?” Mina raises a brow. “Of course not.”

“That’s not the spirit.”

“Sana has taken me to just about every restaurant within a ten mile radius,” Chaeyoung chuckles at this. “And I doubt any of them can compete with Europe.”

“Well, damn. But you should know not all European restaurants are that great.”

“Bullshit.”

“Seriously,” Chaeyoung deadpans. “I’ll bring you some next time.”

“Jesus fucking Christ.”

“But come on. Nothing even half decent?”

“Okay, let me rephrase. Nothing good is cheap.”

“Well that’s okay, I’m rich.”

“ _Chaeyoung_.”

“Bitch, don’t question my wallet. I’m sick of cooking food, I suck anyway,” Mina laughs. Maybe she should cook for the elder sometimes. She’s not half bad at all; just couldn’t be bothered and she doesn’t have the time. Or unexpired groceries. “I want the best of the best. Don’t look at the pricetag.”

Mina can only huff in amusement. “Fine. Let’s go out.”

___________________________________

It was basically a date but they called it everything but. Mina was too scared to say otherwise. Chaeyoung’s easygoing personality was a pleasure to relax with but it was really fucking gray. Mina loves gray but she just wishes that something about their relationship(?)—whatever it is they had going on—had a label. 

“You’re telling me there are no French restaurants here?”

“There’s a pathetic excuse for one. I don’t need to eat French food to know how inauthentic that is.”

The main street past the university is quaint and cute. Early September heat has started transitioning into a crisp cool air and the surroundings have adjusted accordingly. Fall greets every street and Chaeyoung’s hand meets Mina. 

“Have you decided yet?” Mina asks again wearily. 

“I _have_ decided. We’re going to the Italian place so I can remind myself why Italy was the best part of my trip.”

“Then stop asking about other foods,” Mina huffs lightly. “You’ll literally eat anything, won’t you?”

“Food is the way to a person’s heart.”

“Who said that?”

“I did,” Chaeyoung’s eyes glint against a streetlight. “But someone else has probably said it before me.” Mina gapes at the childish line; only she could pull it off. 

“You’ve never heard that one before?” Chaeyoung exclaims, laughing at Mina’s flabbergasted expression. “A true classic.”

“That is literally not a thing.”

“Just say you’ve never heard it before.” _Yeah, she hasn’t._

Mina silently notes how often she’s caught speechless with Chaeyoung. She doesn’t think she’s ever caught the elder off guard. What does it take to be a person like that? Are you so experienced and filled with wisdom that you are mentally prepared for anything? Or did she just not get flustered?

“ _Mina._ ”

“Huh? What?”

“Love, I swear we’ve been walking circles for the past five minutes. Where is this restaurant?”

“You’ve never even been on this street, calm down,” Mina rolls her eyes. “It’s just there.”

The place is ugly-looking. It looks run-down on the outside and the interior lighting is so dim Chaeyoung wonders if they pay the electricity bill. When Chaeyoung quietly asks Mina about it, her response is “ambience”. 

Ambience, her foot. Mina knows the restaurant isn’t quite pleasing to the eye but the food makes up for it. Though it’s famous for its meals and deep prices, Mina wonders why they don’t renovate. 

Chaeyoung, in addition to being a journalist and artist, is apparently a food critic. She savors every bite and comments on the taste with precision. It is a trait asking to be annoyed with but Mina finds it cute. Yes, cute. Not impressive or intriguing, but adorable. She checked three times with her brain to make sure this is what her thoughts meant. 

_Fuuuck._

“Dessert?” Chaeyoung raises her brows and Mina stares, disbelieving. 

“You have room?”

“You _always_ make room for dessert,” Chaeyoung scoffs. “Amateur.”

“No, you’re just weird,” Mina rolls her eyes but she flips to the dessert section. “Everyone always wants to get dessert before the food comes but then we get too full. That’s the order of life.”

“Y’all are just weak.”

Meanwhile, the waitress hovers over them, hiding her smiles. “We’ll get one tartufo, please.” Chaeyoung hands the menus back. 

Once the waitress leaves, Mina leans in. “What’s a tartufo?”

“I don’t know.” The elder shrugs nonchalantly. 

“You lived in Italy.”

“I wasn’t going around trying all the desserts, you know.”

Mina is unable to respond and Chaeyoung laughs. She really enjoys teasing Mina and seeing the wide-eyed, dubious expression on her face. “I’m just teasing you, gosh, you’re so gullible.”

Chaeyoung still doesn’t tell Mina what a tartufo is. It arrives and it reminds of the Swedish princess cake she gets at Ikea. Chaeyoung calls her disgraceful for even thinking to compare it with that. But inside, it’s basically a double scoop of ice cream with a tart syrup drizzled over. Mina makes up her mind to make room in her stomach for sweets in the future. 

A ball of energy, Mina recalls. That’s what Sana called Chaeyoung. And as she tugs on Mina’s arm, window shopping in stores that have already closed, Mina can see why. But Sana was right about another thing; Chaeyoung is just a bit more likeable than Sana, but the younger has no idea why. 

___________________________________

“I was thinking…”

“I hope you are.”

Chaeyoung shoots Mina a glare. Rare moments like this when Mina gets the best of the elder are seldom witnessed by others. 

“I wasn’t finished,” Chaeyoung says hastily. It’s been over a month but Chaeyoung has yet to properly unpack her belongings. Anything she needs, she digs in boxes for, finds, and moves on; thus, numerous boxes stand half-opened in her spare room. She has two spare rooms in fact, despite being the only one in her house. “I was thinking about something I’d packed.”

Mina stares at the boxes. Package after package arrived over staggering intervals. “Please don’t tell me it’s in one of these.” For someone who constantly traveled, Chaeyoung had a ridiculous amount of belongings shipped over. How did she manage to keep all of it while frequently moving?

“Of course it is, would it be in my ass then?” Fucking Chaeyoung. 

“You're a great person and all, Chaeyoung,” Mina begins in a taunting voice. “But that mouth of yours-”

“Oh, shut it, I know you enjoy it in bed,” The elder places a stack of things to the side without even meeting Mina's flushed face. “Do you want your gift or not?”

“My gift?”

“Yeah, your gift.”

“Why- I- how did you get me a gift?” Mina’s suddenly flustered for a different reason. “Is that what we’re looking for?”

“Looking for and found,” Chaeyoung announces happily, reaching into another box labeled UK. “Could’ve sworn I got it in Germany but guess not. Here.” She thrusts the unknown packet into Chaeyoung’s hands. 

“I- what?” Mina stares in confusion. “What is this?” 

“Pastels,” Chaeyoung says, digging through another box. She’s clearly intrigued with all the stuff she finds as she exclaims to herself every few seconds. “Oil pastels, to be exact.”

“But you clearly didn’t get them for me,” Mina insists. “You didn’t even know me.”

“What if Sana told me about you?” Chaeyoung challenges and Mina swallows, before the elder laughs. “Nah, I’m kidding, I actually got them for myself. Looked for the best quality ones before I realized I don’t know how to use them. I tried going on YouTube and shit but it looked complicated, lots of blending. I think you’d use it better than I would. I know you’re into art.”

“Are you sure?”

“I’m not giving you a choice.” Chaeyoung rarely takes no for an answer but is only too willing to say it. 

“Well, I’ll use it well. Thank you.” Mina stares at the casing in her hands. Pastels. She hadn’t seen those in a while. 

“Holy shit!” Mina looks up at the squeal. “I found the polaroid! I thought I lost this in Switzerland! And the films—oh my God! Life is doing me a solid right now!”

“Do you have the pictures too?” 

“Yes!” Chaeyoung’s excitement causes Mina’s smile to spread. “I mean, I probably lost a bunch but the album is still here.” She tugs out a dark, leather-bound photo album. 

Mina’s curious, no doubt, but photographs are a private thing. She’s glad she didn’t say anything when Chaeyoung places the book to the side. “Come on, let’s go eat. I’m hungry.”

And the camera is left behind and the photos it took with it. Mina doesn’t forget about it. No, you can’t forget about a photo album that has the words “mon amour” handwritten on top. 

___________________________________

_The best time to plant a tree was twenty years ago. The second best time is now._

_____________________________________

lagom (SWE)

(adj.) not too little, not too much, just right.

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**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I feel like the more I reread my chapters, the more I hate them. So I'm just gonna send this out here without thinking too much, hopefully it doesn't suck lol.. Lemme know your thoughts! I love hearing from people (as do all writers) and leave a kudos if you enjoyed whatever I've written so far
> 
> I plan to update at least once a week (hopefully), though I'm not sure how loyal I'll stay to that. I kind of tend to write a shit ton of chapters at once after being inspired randomly, and then I'll just enter a dry spell for like weeks at a time. These chapters were all very conveniently (sadly) written during exams week. These are the products of my sacrificed grades so hopefully you enjoyed them lmao


	4. tacenda

**“HAVE YOU REPLACED** me already?”

“No.” Mina says shortly, truthfully. 

“Then how come I barely see you these days?” Sana pouts. “You don’t even wanna go clubbing anymore.”

 _Did Mina_ ever _wanna go clubbing?_ “I don’t do much there. Just kinda drink and leave.”

“Yeah,” Sana finally takes a seat next to her, abandoning her closet. “I could tell you basically hated it. But it was an excuse to get you out of the house.”

Ah. Well that made some sense. Mina scratches her head. “How’d you guess?”

“You weren’t exactly subtle.”

“I don’t _hate_ it,” Mina tries to amend but Sana smiles, squeezing her arm. “I just don’t think I belong there.”

“I’m sorry for dragging you along all this time.”

“Nah, you had your reasons,” She agrees that if Sana hadn’t begun inviting herself into Mina’s heart, she might’ve never opened the door. “Besides, it was a good thing, really. Even if it was hard.”

Sana lets her head rest against Mina’s shoulders. Sana smells like those “ocean breeze” sprays that never actually smell like the ocean or the breeze. But they smell _good_ and Mina still likes it. 

“Are you doing better lately?” Sana asks and all Mina does is nod. She doesn’t think she is but she doesn’t like seeing Sana nervous. 

“Kind of.” She doesn’t want to lie either. 

Sana murmurs something and nods. Mina misses Sana. She may be sitting right next to her but she’s really far ahead. Mina’s been watching her leave her sight, walking further and further, while her own feet are planted in place. 

Ah. Well. She supposes that’s just how her life was meant to be. 

___________________________________

Time hits twelve o’clock and it is technically a new day. For Mina, there is no such thing. 

Mina hasn’t touched pastels in a long time. Art fell with dance and she can’t even recall where her drawings are. Her mother packed a couple old sketchbooks with her when she moved but she hasn’t touched them since. Shit, she doesn’t even know if she has them. 

She looks for them though, much to the surprise of her own self but she justifies it (as she does most things). _It would be rude not to use a gift._

When she finds them, she gets immersed. She forgot the joy she once had holding a pencil. Oh, and watercolor; Mina finds crappy paintings of ballet flats. She had zero knowledge of how to use the medium then and she still doesn’t. She rips out a sheet and then stares at the blank paper. The pastels sit next to her on the couch and she sighs. 

Some people fear starting things because they are afraid of the end, the final result. Others are simply unsure what to draw. Mina has never been the former, always the latter. 

For some reason, the only thing she can think of is Chaeyoung, whose clear features were perfect for soft pastels. Somehow, Mina feels Chaeyoung is memorized inside of her, almost like old routines. 

_It can be a gift,_ she assures herself before sketching out Chaeyoung’s face. Mina has always found Chaeyoung’s face beautiful. On paper, it looks like a distant memory but just as pretty. 

Ah. Her heart hurts. 

For the first time in a very long time, Mina loses to time. She loses so easily she doesn’t even notice. The pastels are beautiful, creamy under her fingers as she blends Chaeyoung’s pale hair, but they’re not as pretty as the muse. The more Mina draws, the more overwhelmed she feels. 

Oil pastels were difficult and the limited amount of colors Mina had made it especially difficult. She scribbled and blended and wiped and made a mess of her hands for goodness knows how long. She works in sections, goes over and over again till she’s finally satisfied before realizing it was better before. She’s a perfectionist and she hates pastels, but she agrees they’re beautiful. Mina has a love-hate relationship with most things. 

It’s a lovely drawing and when Mina finishes it, she feels defeated. She’s lost. The drawing shouldn't have came this easily, not without practice, not without effort, and it makes her furious at how her smoothly hands flowed around the paper. How could she produce something so beautiful without having touched the craft for years? Why-why couldn't the same thing happen for ballet?

She takes one hard look at the drawing of the girl she has no idea how to decipher and puts it aside before she does something she’ll regret. She lets out a shaky breath and places her hands to her face. No, she can’t cry. She really does enjoy crying and what a waste of tears over this. 

If only. If only she moved the way her hands did. She sighs. 

Emotions are fucking weird. 

They don’t always come and go as we wish and they don’t have an explanation. That’s sad; feeling sad for no reason is sad. 

There are kinds of people who are eager to learn why rather than accept it. Acceptance may be easier, more “mature”, but accepting things is a journey on its own. Mina would say it’s harder, more painful. At the same time, learning why satisfies that part of ourselves that’s hurting. It offers a chance for growth. 

Both are two ways of approaching life. There is no good or bad. It’s just your way. 

Ah. Where did Mina plan to go with this? She supposes early morning thoughts are truly something else. 

The next, _next_ day she decides to give it to Chaeyoung (she crashed all of the next day) _._ “Do you like it?” Mina asks shyly. The other gapes at the drawing. 

“Love, what the fuck?” Chaeyoung accepts the paper as if it’s some revered, ancient treasure. How embarrassing. “What the fuck is this? Why is it so good?”

Mina doesn’t handle compliments well anymore. 

“I- I don’t know.”

“Sana told me you drew, but this is crazy!”

“Sana told you?” Mina has mentioned her art twice to Sana and showed it once after constant begging. Maybe that was why she could find her old sketchbooks so easily. “I’m surprised Sana even remembers.”

“She said you were good too,” Chaeyoung nods eagerly, looking at the drawing intently. “But I never knew what to expect. Why aren’t you an art major?”

“Because I never wanted to pursue art,” Mina admits, taking a seat on the couch. She tries making herself more casual rather than defensive. “Art was a hobby.” _Dance was her life._

“What a shame,” Chaeyoung shakes her head. “You’re clearly better than some people that were convinced their art was incredible. I’ll treasure this forever, love, thank you.”

Mina smiles gently. _Oh, Chaeyoung._

___________________________________

_The grass is always greener on the other side._

___________________________________

It takes her a couple more bar visits and a barbeque night before she realizes that Chaeyoung is just _that_ kind of person. She’s eye-catching and inviting and people are just drawn to her. It should make her feel better, but she no longer feels… different.

Chaeyoung talks with everybody eagerly, like she’s interested in their lives. It’s scary if you think about it, because she could have the stories of so many people who’ve spilled their guts to her. It made Mina think she cared, but she really wasn’t all that special, was she?

The way Chaeyoung laughs at some guy’s words has Mina gripping her cup tightly. She bets ten bucks Chaeyoung couldn’t even hear him among all the music and drunk banter. She wasn’t jealous, not exactly she thinks, but frustrated. More than anything, she just feels lonelier than before. 

It was immature, of course it was, but that was insecurity for you. In a moment of fear, she wonders if Chaeyoung’s promises of catching even meant anything. Fuck. It sends a dangerous pang into Mina’s chest but she shakes it off. 

It wasn’t like they were anything official. She could still catch her as friends. Why should Mina interfere in her personal life? Chaeyoung’s sex life shouldn’t be a concern if she was still gonna be friends with her, right? _Right_. 

They were just fuck buddies, friends with benefits, _distractions,_ to quote their own words. It was still _something_ , but Mina shouldn’t hold herself on a pedestal. Another sigh.

Ugh. But Mina is stupid. Mina forgets how attached she can get. 

So when she loses sight of Chaeyoung and the dude she was with, her heart is crushed. Crushed, but not surprised. How pathetic, Mina thinks. _Pathetic and desperate and clingy. What are you, Mina, chewed up gum?_

It’s frustrating because she’s confessed some of her truest feelings to this girl. This _girl_ that is too free of a spirit to settle down. Well, this was embarrassing. 

So Mina lets it happen and continues drinking like nothing went wrong. Sana’s pleased to see Mina sipping comfortably on the couch. She’s a bit alarmed though, a half hour later, when she watches an unstable Mina head over to beer pong. Drunk Mina was basically a whole different person. Unlike Sana who collapses almost immediately, Mina transforms into an individual with a ridiculous amount of shameless courage. 

Sana watches carefully as Mina immerses herself into the beer pong, downing drink after drink at an alarming pace. When Sana finally pulls her away from the high-energy group, Mina protests all the way.

“Wha- what are youuu doing?” Mina slurs. It’s frightening to Sana, who has only seen this wild persona a couple times. Usually, Mina has very good self control.

“What are _you_ doing?” Sana hauls her over to one of the off-limit bedrooms that are clean and empty. “Why- how are you so drunk?”

“Be-cauuuse I drank a loooot.” Mina chirps happily, flopping on to the bed. 

“Why, Mina, why?” Sana pushes her hair back. She takes a seat next to her, waiting for her to begin throwing up; it was about time.

“I’m lonely, Sana.”

Sana stiffens next to her, startled by the confession. 

“I’m-” A sniff. “I’m really fucking lonely, Sana.”

Oh. Sana reaches over and lets the younger’s head rest on her lap. “Mina.”

Sana had her doubts. She knew Mina was the lonely kind, but it didn’t take her long to realize something was wrong. Something was really fucking wrong. It wasn’t just “quiet, lonely, moody, emo girl” but it was _lonely._ But Mina had never confessed her feelings like this.

“I’m really sad and lonely,” Mina cries, tears wetting Sana’s pants. “An- and I don’t know whaat to do.”

It breaks her heart because she knows the girl must’ve been suffering for a long time. Even since before they met, but why? Sana pats her head, chest aching, as she wonders what other shards Mina holds. 

She had her suspicions but to think they were this deep? Sana nearly cries as she holds Mina’s hair back as she throws up. Oh, the outside is a very different place from the inside. 

___________________________________

Mina wakes the next day in bed. She has no memory of the night before but last recalls picking up a red cup. She feels like she’s dying. She doesn’t know why, but it makes sense considering all the alcohol she shoved in her system. Keep in mind Mina has a high tolerance. 

There’s painkillers in the house. However, there is no food in the house. Of course there isn’t—Mina goes shopping basically once a month because she knows the groceries she buys will expire faster than she can use them. God damn, fridges were really useless. It wasn't like Mina _couldn't_ cook well, she just couldn't care enough to. 

Heading out of the house in sweatpants, Mina prays she doesn’t run into anyone she knows. She doesn’t care about what she dresses in but she’s not in the mood to have conversation. 

The convenience store was a ten minute walk and every passing minute her stomach complains. As soon as Mina pays for her breakfast, she snarfs it down unlike tomorrow. Unfortunately, she makes eye contact with a stranger. Unfortunately, she knows the stranger and he recognizes her too. 

“Mina?” She hasn’t heard the voice in months, but damn, can she really forget a voice like that?

Her “one-night-stand” dude stands in front of her with a perplexed look. She’s tempted to play it off cool but her face has already expressed her horror. It’s so fucking embarrassing because she can remember the memes he sent her last week and how he looked with his shirt off but _what the fuck_ is his _name_?!

“Uh…”

“It’s BamBam. You forgot, didn’t you? It’s okay, I’m not offended.” _Thank fuck._

“Hi. BamBam.” Has Mina mentioned she doesn’t do well around people? Like at all?

“I almost didn’t recognize you.”

“Oh,” Mina looks down, cringing. “Sorry, you weren’t supposed to see me like this.”

“Well,” BamBam takes a seat next to her. “I’ve seen a whole different side of you though.”

Mina is appalled by the blunt statement but she chuckles instead. That was the BamBam she remembered; making jokes all throughout sex. 

“I didn’t know you lived nearby.” He gestures. 

“Yeah,” Mina adds. Wow. It is _really_ hard talking to someone in person. Quickly, she adds more. “We don’t know a lot about each other.”

“You do know who was sending you the memes though, right?”

“Yeah.”

“But you didn’t know my name?”

“I… never really saved your number.”

“You’re kidding.”

“You’re saved as ‘meme dude’.”

BamBam laughs. “I’ll take it.” He has such nice eyes. Mina always notices eyes first; they’re supposed to be “the window to the soul” but Mina just likes eyes because they’re fun to draw. 

“Did you transfer to the main branch recently?” When he nods, Mina nods too. “Ah. So you’re a senior? Junior?”

“I’m actually a second year.”

“What?” Mina blurts before she can help herself. “You’re- you’re a second year?” She splutters the words out, calculating. No matter what, the math didn’t add up. “That means you're nineteen?’

“I turn twenty in January,” BamBam smiles proudly. Mina gapes in horror. “Are you a junior? Senior?”

“I’m a junior but I, um, started late, gap year and all,” Her eyes are wide. “I’m older than you.”

“Was that not obvious?”

“Of course not!” Mina hisses. “We just, um, fucked on a whim, I didn’t know shit about you.”

“I dunno, I thought I looked young,” _Definitely not. Not with that body._ “I thought the jokes would’ve done it, the memes at the very least.”

“This is awkward.”

“What? Why?’ BamBam asks, alarmed. “Just ‘cause I’m younger? Come on. This is discrimination.”

“No! No. I just wasn’t expecting you to be younger. I dunno. Sorry. I’m just really awkward at first.” _You just seemed so_ experienced _what the fuck._

“Nah, I’m just messing with you,” He gets up. “Well, Mina, I’ve got to carry on with the rest of my disgusting adult duties. Maybe I’ll see you around. Text me back something other than a meme, maybe.”

She chuckles lightly, relieved. She doesn’t know if she could’ve maintained conversation any longer. “I’ll see you around, BamBam.” 

It’s a lie. No. She doesn’t hate him. She literally had sex with him (good sex, she would add). But she’s just always been like this with people. Awkward and deflective.

She sighs against her drink. Yeah. She also wonders why it was so different with Chaeyoung. 

___________________________________

“You’re out early.” Mina all but screams, clutching her chest. 

“You scared the shit out of me, what the fuck, Chaeyoung?” Mina just entered the apartment building when Chaeyoung pops up from around the stairs. 

The other girl waves her hand in dismissal. “It’s a weekend, Mina, no soul should be up before ten, the earliest. Especially not after yesterday.”

“I was hungry,” Chaeyoung raises an eyebrow. “And there was no food in the house.”

“You could’ve come over.”

“Oh. I thought that’d be awkward.”

“Awkward?” Chaeyoung looks up. She’s not the type to get visibly angry; you just have to catch on to the subtle changes. Like the tone of her voice. Or when she licks her lips. Or how her weight shifts to one leg. “Why would it be awkward?”

 _Fuck._ That is definitely _not_ what Mina meant. “I- I just didn’t wanna barge in. It’s the morning, you could,” _Be with someone._ “Still be asleep.”

Her face softens and Mina relaxes. She didn’t realize how tense she was standing. _Oh, fucking hell._

“Fair enough, I guess,” Chaeyoung combs her hair with her fingers. How does someone look so effortlessly _good_ ? Mina secretly wishes Chaeyoung would wear the glasses full time. They were _hot._ “Come in. Did you even eat?”

“I bought juice, and like fruits,” Mina scratches her head sheepishly as she enters Chaeyoung’s apartment. It looks just as bland; clearly Chaeyoung still couldn’t be bothered to unpack anything. Mina pauses as she takes a seat on the couch; does that mean she had no one over last night? She didn’t go home with someone? “I drank one juice box.”

“Juice box, Jesus, are you five?” Chaeyoung rolls her eyes and storms into the kitchen. “I’m going to make you something you can actually eat.”

“What? Wait, no, it’s fine. I’m not that hungry.” Mina hurriedly follows her.

“You’re hungover. You’re not fine,” Chaeyoung raises a concerned brow. “You were hell last night, you know that? Everyone was like they’ve never seen you like _that._ ”

Mina’s face flushes red almost immediately. “What? Shit. What did I do?”

“You were wilding, love,” Chaeyoung chuckles, furiously mixing a bowl. “It was getting interesting, but Sana dragged you off before you smacked this dude with a beer bottle.”

“What?!” Mina looks horrified. “Please tell me you’re kidding.”

“I wish I was, love.”

Her hands shoot up to her face, embarrassed. Violence? Hitting someone? Mina was never that kind of person. How drunk was she? 

“Then I had to drag your dead ass all the way home.”

“You brought me home?” Mina looks up, face mixed with surprise and terror. Does that- does that mean she really didn’t do anything with that boy?

“Well, you don’t live that far anyway,” She shrugs. All of a sudden, she’s flipping pancakes. Wow, so efficient. “Plus, the others were pretty tired too.”

The problem is Mina isn’t notorious for getting _drunk_ drunk. She handles her alcohol really well; she’s usually responsible for taking care of others, not the other way around. 

She doesn’t even know why. Sure, she got a little frustrated at Chaeyoung, but for something that immature? She must’ve really lost touch with all self-control if she continued to guzzle down more booze. Thank God Sana stopped her before she seriously did something she’d regret. 

Then it hits her in the face, in the form of a splitting headache. _But what the fuck did she say?_

As quickly as she turned red, her face turns pale. Considering she said a lot of shit the first time without even knowing Chaeyoung that well, she can only cringe over the countless possibilities. There’s no way that she escaped without exposing a bit more of her pathetic self. 

So she just eats quietly as Chaeyoung smiles. A sip of another juice box and a bite of chocolate chip pancakes. She wishes things were as easy. 

___________________________________

Skies don’t cry. They throw up in thunderstorms, full and sick of life. Mina and Chaeyoung are caught in its nausea when they are out for a bite to eat. They’d planned to eat outside, make use of the exterior tables at a cafe and the pair couldn’t even take a bite out of their food when the rain interrupts. 

Chaeyoung sighs. Mina wordlessly carries the food inside and they sit at the tall stools facing the outside. The storm heaves, torrents pouring down. _Sick,_ Mina thinks. Chaeyoung apparently agrees. “I hate rain.”

“Me too.”

“Especially on cold days.”

“I like it in when we’re inside.”

“It’s nice and all, good for ASMR, but I hate the gray,” Chaeyoung takes a fry and points up. “I hate that color.”

“I actually like gray,” Chaeyoung turns to Mina curiously. “I know it’s depressing and all but I love black and white and all the shades in between. I think they’re beautiful.”

“You’ve told me. Can I ask why?” 

“I’m not sure. I guess it’s cause I prefer to draw with pencils more than anything,” Mina confesses. She doesn’t remember the last time she talked about the hobby. “There’s so many opportunities with pencils but my favorite is realism. People, mostly. Every single one of them are shades of gray and that’s what makes them real.” 

_Does that make sense?_ Well, words can’t be erased. 

“And here I thought you were gonna say it’s ‘cause you like Fifty Shades of Grey.”

“Chaeyoung!” Mina slaps her arm indignantly. 

“Can I see them one day?” Chaeyoung twirls a fry in ketchup for an agonizingly long period. Mina is this close to smacking her hand from it. “I want to see your drawings.”

“They’re not that great.”

“Love, I’ll be the judge of that,” Chaeyoung finally pops the fry in her mouth. “You were way too modest last time.”

Mina doesn’t say anything in response. Modest is not an adjective she thought someone would ever use for her.

There is something captivating about Chaeyoung. It’s like staring into a clear sky with a storm brewing behind it. Churning. She was always asking questions, always on edge like potential energy without the fall. It scared Mina because she was so scared the girl would crash suddenly but she never did. At least, not around Mina. 

Mina quickly realized that Chaeyoung’s questions were not simply an icebreaker. Rather, they were part of her. They were sometimes simple and for the sake of knowledge but there were also those that seemed to search souls for answers. They’d be mumbled to herself or shouted from a rooftop. The ones that caught Mina’s attention were the thought-provoking ones. Ever the overthinker, she would often lie awake at night contemplating about how there is no way we’ll know if we’ll be alive tomorrow.

“There’s nothing,” The other girl insists. “Guaranteeing us an extra day, hour, second. We take it for granted as we do most things.”

Time is blatantly abused but it abuses back. It takes things away. Mina wishes she could argue that time is meant to be taken for granted but her words hitch in her throat. Time also gave her things. After all, it gave her Chaeyoung. 

___________________________________

 _Life itself cannot give you joy, unless you really will it. Life just gives you time and space_ — _it’s up to you to fill it._

_____________________________________

tacenda (ENG)

(n.) things better left unsaid; matters to be passed over in silence.

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.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello to whoever's made it here! I hope you're enjoying wherever this story is going and will stick around a bit more. Let me know what you think so far!
> 
> Here we have the first of several got7 members, mostly because I needed male characters lol. The next few chapters will have more of them, (I'll adjust tags accordingly) so hope to see you there!


	5. camhanaich

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was one of my favorites to write for absolutely no particular reason other than the fact that it came out better than I expected.

**MINA STUMBLES BACK** to the convenience store, this time at around two am. She doesn’t know why but she’s feeling really antsy and she can’t seem to calm down with just dancing so she goes for a walk.

What was supposed to be a short stroll developed into an urge for ice cream. She doesn’t exactly _need_ ice cream, but she’s got a craving for something sweet. So after what feels like a two hour debate in front of the store, Mina steps inside tentatively. 

Of course, it’s empty minus the half-asleep clerk up front. Nobody in their right mind is craving ice cream at the dead hours. Even if they were, nobody had the motivation to get up and get some. 

Mina’s not sure why she’s feeling so restless. Her body feels tired after hours of practice, but her mind is restless and can’t be distracted with more ballet. She stands in front of the ice cream freezer which is a couple steps away from the dead cashier. Her hands hesitate at picking. _Strawberry or butterscotch? Strawberry or butterscotch? Strawberry or butterscotch?_

“You can get both, you know?”

The clerk has looked up curiously, chin still resting on his palm. 

“I can’t eat both though.” 

“We can split it,” Now that’s an offer she wasn’t expecting. “Half-and-half. How about it?”

Mina’s initial reaction is to decline but what has she to lose anyway? Poor dude could use a break anyway. “What if you have customers?”

“You really think someone else will come here at this time?”

“I came.”

“There’s usually just one of you people.”

“Okay then.” Mina reaches for both flavors. 

And so, Mina finds herself sitting on the steps of the convenience store eating both flavors of the ice cream she wanted. Cashier paid for one, claiming it was only fair, and she just shrugged. 

Mina’s a weird person. She can easily talk to strangers but developing relationships was hard. Probably because developing relationships required opening up over time, something Mina didn’t like to do. She’ll never see Strangers again so what’s she got to lose? At one point, she was even worse than this. Those were pre-Sana days and they were pretty horrific. 

But she allows herself to relax with the Stranger next to her. She doesn’t like people, but she likes strangers more. She doesn’t know anything about them and they don’t know anything about her so they can just talk without worrying. 

“I’ve seen you around here a lot. University student?”

“Yeah. You too?” Mina asks. Butterscotch and strawberry were truly an amazing combination. 

“Yep. Music department.” 

“Music?” Of course, this piques Mina’s interest. “Do you sing, dance, compose?”

“I sing,” He says sheepishly. “Though I’m learning music theory. Why, you too?”

“Nah, I dance. Ballet. But I’m just part of the club.”

“Oh. Side thing?”

Mina manages a smile. “Kind of.” She wonders what would happen if she combined both flavors, mixing them until she had a soup of strawberry-butterscotch. Would it taste good? 

“You like dancing?”

“I have a love-hate relationship with it.” Mina recently discovered there’s a word that accurately encompasses the love part, _tarantism_ , which described overcoming melancholy by dancing. But was it possible to overcome sadness through the thing that causes the same pain?

Stranger nods along. They both stare out in the streets, but they’re not really looking anything. There isn’t really anything out there, just a road and a couple trees and a traffic light directing no cars. It’s so empty and for a fleeting second, Mina feels like they’re the only two people in the entire world.

“Why are you out here this late?”

“I was craving ice cream.” She decides she has nothing to lose and goes ahead to mix the two flavors.

“Really?” Stranger scrapes the bottom of his cup with the little wooden spoon. “If you came for ice cream, you wouldn’t have stood outside for ten minutes deciding to come in or not, would you?”

Mina blinks. She’s been having way too many encounters with smart people lately. It makes her feel stupid. She doesn’t like it. She’s silent for a bit as she tastes her strawberry-butterscotch soup. It’s not bad; she downs it in one go, almost like a shot glass.

“I thought you were asleep.”

“The illusion of being asleep is a skill I have developed while working more night shifts than I am supposed to,” Stranger chuckles. “Answer the question.”

“I was feeling restless.”

“Why?”

“If I say ‘I don’t know’, will you believe me?”

“Yeah.”

“Really?”

“Yeah. That means there is a reason. But you just don’t know.”

“I _should_ know why,” Mina insists frustratedly. She crumples up the pathetic paper cup. “If I don’t know why, who else would?” 

“You’ll figure it out.”

“I’ve been trying to,” Mina grits her teeth. And in a moment of spontaneity, she throws the cup down the stairs, watching as it stops at the bottom of the steps at the sidewalk. “I thought it was because I couldn’t sleep, but I’m just feeling antsy. I have nothing to be nervous about, I- I just feel weird.”

“It’s okay to feel weird,” Then, tentatively he asks. “Are you going to pick that up?”

“Yeah,” Mina gets up, suddenly exhausted. “Yeah, I will.” She walks down and picks up the crumpled cup. But instead of heading back up to throw it out, she suddenly flings it at the stairs. Stranger doesn’t flinch as much as he should but just watches with her as the cup comes tumbling down the stairs and rests right back at her feet.

“That’s how I feel sometimes, I think,” He might assume a stupid paper cup, or a piece of trash so Mina elaborates. “I throw myself forward, but I just keep falling down.”

He doesn’t say anything. But what the fuck is a person supposed to say to something like that? Mina picks up the cup again but heads for the trash can this time. She doesn’t look at him directly (too scared to see the expression he wears). “I’ll see you around, I guess.”

She leaves, just like that, without looking back. She’s glad she never got his name even though it was on a tag right on his little cashier shirt; it would be too much.

We only let the crazy out for a little bit. It’s best we forget that little bit. 

___________________________________

_All things are difficult before they are easy._

___________________________________

Mina texts BamBam back this time. In words, not pictures, and it was incredibly easier to converse when you’re not meeting your one-night-stand while looking like you own no clothes. 

If Mina’s being honest, while he was a good sex, she likes the guy that sends her Spongebob memes and platinum tweets on Twitter a lot better. She feels as if a weight is lifted off her shoulders when it becomes obvious that BamBam is not looking for a fuck, but a friend. 

So the next Saturday morning, Mina heads over to the convenience. She has two motivations now: food and BamBam. She was risking it, but ends up relieved to see the cashier from _that night_ isn’t there (it’s too early for another encounter); he must be a night shift guy. He awaits with the juice she bought last time and wears a smile when he sees her. The mood is significantly better than before and ten times less awkward. 

“Biomedical sciences?” BamBam gapes in horror. They have the conversation going somehow. 

“Says the one in physics! Like, who the fuck likes physics?”

“I was good at physics, excuse you, and I’ve always liked math,” Mina makes a face in response. Anything _but_ physics. “Besides, if anyone doesn’t suit their major, it’s you. Biomedical sciences? Really?” It’s said with the proper amount of disgust.

Mina wants to protest but who’s she kidding? She doesn’t hate her biomedical science classes (she thinks), but it wasn’t like she liked the topic. There was a thin line between hating and disliking and the stupid class landed somewhere between that. But the major was nothing more than an excuse so why did it matter?

She sighs. “Yeah. You’re right. I’m not a science person at all.”

“Then what are you doing?”

“Sometimes, things in life aren’t always the way we want them.” She tries to make it sound wise or some shit but BamBam shuts it down with a roll of his eyes. 

“Yeah, no shit. Otherwise the human race wouldn’t have lasted so long.” 

“Let’s just say the future I wanted wasn’t… prospective.” _If_ that were the right way to put it. 

“Wait, don’t tell me. Did you wanna go into creative arts?”

“I wanted to be a dancer.”

“You dance?!”

“Oh, I guess we haven’t talked about that yet,” Mina smiles fondly, taking a sip from her juice box. Maybe it’ll push her insecurity back into her stomach. “I’ve been dancing ballet for about, I think, sixteen years.”

“Sixteen years,” BamBam looks shocked. Rightfully so. “That’s- that’s a long time. I mean, if it was for that long, you have to be pretty good.”

 _Gray._ “I love dancing. And I was pretty good. But it’s a tough world; I guess I wasn’t good enough.”

“Do you still dance though?”

“Everyday.” In layman’s terms, it was desperation. 

“If you’re that passionate, why aren’t you dancing for a living than wasting time on something you clearly don’t like?” It was a fair question, but it wasn’t like Mina hadn't asked the same thing to herself. 

“Because dance, especially ballet, isn’t easy. You need to be… basically perfect.” Mina emphasizes. 

“Oh. Well, I’m not sure how it works so I’m going to let you decide that,” BamBam throws his hands up in defeat. “But I would like to see you dance.” It’s a specific tone, hopeful but preparing to get rejected. 

People expect Mina to get flustered by the request but she will never refuse an audience. When Mina shrugs with a “sure”, BamBam’s lips twist into a perplexed smile. It’s in her blood to perform and the closest she can get to that now is the dance club and her lonely practices. 

Besides, it’s not like she notices other people when she moves. Her attention is focused. _Disciplined._

“What about you?” Mina feels sick. She likes BamBam, but this wasn’t a fun topic. “What do you do outside math?”

“It’s not math, physics is more than just numbers,” Oh, of course, there’s a couple equations that make zero sense in there too. He has to be joking. “But I write movie reviews.” He scratches his neck.

“Movie reviews?”

“Yeah, on Insta.”

“Do people use them?”

“At first, I was one hundred percent talking to myself. But then some people started taking notice.”

“Text me it later.”

He does and it’s a cute following of a couple thousand people. They are detailed reviews, funny and well-written. She finds herself smiling fondly at his choice of works and decides to watch one he rates an A. Mina likes that he did it for himself and it evolved for others. It takes courage to share things like that. It takes courage to share anything. 

Mina watches the movie he rated well but is highly disappointed. It wasn’t a bad movie. In fact, it was exactly the kind of slow yet fast plot she liked. BamBam did say it had good pacing. But the ending was too happy. It was realistic, but it wasn’t closure. These kind of movies could only be completed with a sad ending. It’s what they needed. How could BamBam not _feel_ that?

 _B+,_ she comments boldly under the post, _at best._

___________________________________

If there’s one thing that Mina will not put into her bloodstream, it’s coffee. _The audacity you have,_ her body must think when she consumes a shit ton of alcohol a week and smokes half a pack a day. _The fucking gall._

So she sits in the wasted lands outside the convenience store, swirling a cup of coffee mindlessly, endlessly. Why did she buy this? Let alone _black_ coffee. She could’ve at least gotten some creamer, tossed it in and watched the brown grow lighter and lighter. But it’s been twenty minutes since she got the ugly bitter drink, and it would be strange to go back now. 

In front of her is her an equally shitty sandwich whose bread isn’t equally proportioned to the filling, which in turn is already tumbling out and Mina decides, _fuck it,_ and picks up the whole thing and tosses it in the trash. The exact same trash can where she threw that abused ice cream cup. 

Another sigh. A waste of money, really. But she doesn’t really care about that; it’s just a thought that she _should_ have, a thought to demonstrate she has a conscience for wasting food. Ugh. 

She walks home again, stops in front of the apartment, then turns back around. She doesn’t want to go in just yet. She hasn’t been out long enough. 

For context, it’s five in the morning. Mina has a strange habit of _leaving_ home at the crack of dawn or _arriving_ home at the crack of dawn, all of which ultimately contribute to her fucked up sleep cycle (not taking into account alcohol nights or sex nights). This one is the former, as Mina leaves the house for her occasional Blue morning walks. 

She likes Quiet like this. Quiet. Silence. Not peace. Just Quiet. Quiet doesn’t dictate how she gets to feel. 

Walking aimlessly is dangerous. If Mina had any concern about her safety, she’d be worried about how she could get lost, jumped, raped, murdered, typical fears of a female walking alone. But Mina knows that if she runs into anyone during the Quiet time she will curse them out, criticize their entire being, ask them if they have a conscience for jumping someone so early in the morning, and _fuck off_ , _bastard, go do this shit at night._

Yeah, she hopes the conversation will go something like that if those are her last words. 

Thoughts like these are frequent for Mina. Just random spurts of nothingness then chaos. An endless cycle based on no schedule. 

Before she notices the sun come up, she notices blue. A particular blue. Blue™. Blue mornings, she calls them, just pretty and vibrant and the kind of blue you would think only exists in dreams, considering you even dream in color. Did you know that some people don’t dream in color? Did you know that some people dream in first person? Or third person? A mix of that? Or none of these at all? 

But anyway the blue is pretty. You have to be awake at just the right time to see it so Mina feels a strange satisfaction, a feeling that she’s special, when she catches it in its breathtaking glory. It’s like when you catch the sun just before it disappears underneath the horizon. That kind of magical moment. Blue mornings are pretty. Blue mornings are special. 

After what seems like another hour or so, after Quiet time is broken and people, _ew,_ begin filling the streets, Mina calls it quits. She particularly created her schedule to have “absolutely no morning classes, Mom” and decided that “I’ll just become a night owl, it’s fine”. So when she stumbles back into her apartment, narrowly missing Chaeyoung’s Sunday morning jog, she makes a beeline for the sheets. 

_Yeah_ , she lies to herself stupidly, _just sleep all your problems away._

Disclaimer: it doesn’t work. Don’t be like Mina, please. 

___________________________________

“Honestly, Mina, you could not show up for months at a time and you’d still be the best in all of the fucking university,” Soo-yeon gapes as Mina finishes her routine. “I have no idea why you even come every week.”

“You know that’s not how ballet works,” Mina’s words are meant to be dismissive, but she doesn’t want to treat her junior so coldly. “If I could come back after months in the same condition, then there’s a plot hole somewhere.”

“You’re incredible, though,” Another girl sighs enviously. Mina thinks her name is Na-ri. She couldn’t be bothered to learn it (never mind that she sees her every other week). “I have no idea what you’re doing in our little club.” It’s a selfish reason, honestly; she just needs the practice room and she can’t come privately if she’s not registered with a dance club. The ballet club was only too willing to accept her after watching the way the girl moved. 

“Honestly!” Soo-yeon insists passionately. “You’re totally capable of going professional, Mina. Like you could’ve pursued dance seriously and you would’ve made it _big_!” Her intentions are good, but Mina’s chest constricts and she wonders if she’ll be able to speak properly. How does she tell them she did, that she tried and she did?

“I’m not _professional_ good, that’s a _reach_ ,” She tries to brush it off lightly. She then glances at the clock at the back of the room. She’s gotten used to reading backward clocks after years of practice. “Shit. I’ve got to be somewhere, I’ll catch you girls later, alright?”

“Of course!” The others chirp, while Mina heads off to change to go to her nonexistent destination. _She could be an actor_ , she thinks, _ten out of ten for convincing others._ She wouldn’t have minded dancing for another hour or so, but she doesn’t know how long she could’ve lasted in that room. Too many words were where they weren’t supposed to be. It has been really fucking difficult lately. All the pieces she held closely were threatening to fall out her hands. Mina wonders how long she’ll be able to cope. 

On her way out, she runs into Nayeon, who waves amicably before running over. “Mina, you’re the last person I expected to catch right now.”

“I know right?” Mina rolls her eyes. “I’m earlier than usual.”

“Right?” Mina has always appreciated Nayeon’s way of indulging her sarcasm. “I forgot how early eight pm was.”

“I was just practicing.”

“You love dancing almost more than Sana loves Jihyo.”

“Not almost,” Mina squeezes in. “I _definitely_ love dancing more than they love each other.”

“No wonder you’re so fucking amazing at it.” Nayeon shakes her head in disbelief. Mina’s anxiety increases ever so slightly. She left practice to avoid this exact conversation. She needs a distraction. 

“Where-”

“Mina!” Another voice interrupts, and while it’s not the distraction Mina planned for, it might be better. “Fancy seeing you here.”

“Oh,” Mina’s initially flustered at BamBam’s appearance but quickly collects herself. “Same. I didn’t think we’d really see each other outside of convenience store.”

“Yeah, and you’re still up for next Saturday, right?”

“Yep,” Nayeon’s eyes burn into the side of Mina’s head and as soon as BamBam leaves, she’s pouncing. 

“What’s Saturday, huh?” She raises her eyebrows knowingly. 

“The convenience store.”

“Is that a code for fucking sex or something?”

“Why the hell would we fuck in the morning?”

“So you are fucking.”

“Oh my God, no!” Mina hisses, keeping her voice low. “No, we are _not_ fucking. I mean, we did it once but that was a long-”

“What the fuck?”

Mina groans. Perhaps this wasn’t the best distraction, but she didn’t have much of a choice. “Remember the one night stand… _thing_ I had like a while ago?”

“That’s him?”

“Yeah, except we’re strictly friends now.”

“Friends with benefits?” _No, that's with Chaeyoung,_ she almost lets slip.

“No, stop it, no. Friends. That’s it.”

“How do you even go from having sex to becoming besties? Is that even possible?”

“Uh, well,” This was gonna sound dumb. “I got his number the day of, and we’ve been sending each other memes ever since.”

“You know what memes are?” Nayeon deadpans. 

“You know what?” Mina glares, crossing her arms. “I’m late on weekdays not because of dance, it’s just because I don’t want to see your fucking face.”

“Oh my gosh, chill, I’m kidding. Anyway, where were you with your story?”

“Uh, well, so yeah. That happened for a while,” Wow, this really was a weird friendship if she thinks about it. “Then a couple weeks ago, we kind of just met at convenience store and ate breakfast together. So, now we just meet up every Saturday for food and talk. That’s literally it.”

“That’s kind of depressing. He was pretty hot.”

“Nayeon, you’re literally gay.”

“I can appreciate beauty when I see it.” Nayeon says simply and Mina shakes her head.

“You’re hopeless.”

“So, you’re _just_ friends?”

“Yes.”

“Well, it’s nice to see you making friends.” It’s not quite as teasing as before, and when Mina looks at her face, she can tell the other girl is being sincere. 

“Yeah. I thought I’d be pretty hopeless too.”

“Nah, not hopeless. You just looked like you didn’t want to make friends.” Nayeon says carefully, as they exit the building. It’s colder than she expects and Mina zips up her jacket. 

“It wasn’t that I didn’t _want_ to,” Mina corrects, licking her lips. “It was more… that I couldn’t. I was going through some shit. Either way, I was a bitch and I know it.”

Nayeon doesn’t say anything now and it’s clear that she’s right. Her heart sinks a bit at the confirmation but what was the point of grieving that now? They were friends now, weren’t they?

___________________________________

Chaeyoung enjoys exploring. While Mina’s grateful they aren’t hiking through forests (at least, not yet), she finds herself preferring that option to galleries and museums. Mina should’ve realized her interests, especially since Chaeyoung spent a whole year in Europe. Like, what else is in Europe except Museums™, random buildings of attraction, and food?

“I just don’t get art museums, or most museums if I’m being honest,” Mina admits, shaking her head as Chaeyoung flashes her camera around discreetly—there’s a “photography not allowed” sign somewhere. Mina gestures to the sculpture that stands grandly in the center of the room. “But art galleries confuse me the most. Like, it’s pretty amazing and well done, accurate and all that, but if you’re finding a profound meaning or something from a naked man, that’s where you’ll lose me.”

Chaeyoung laughs under her breath. “Art isn’t for everyone, that’s for sure. But I don’t think there needs to be a profound meaning for everything,” Mina glances at a painting and decides abstract must be the worst. “And that’s rich coming from me, a liberal arts major, who was taught that every fucking piece of literature was written with a purpose apparently.”

“Really,” She says it more of a statement than a question. Mina is intrigued.

“Yeah, really,” Chaeyoung takes a picture of the confusing abstract piece after examining it for a while. “The author, or artist, definitely had some intention when creating their work, but it doesn’t mean there’s a hidden meaning in it.”

“Well, they’re technically left ‘open for interpretation’.” Mina holds her fingers up in quotation marks mockingly.

“Sure. Maybe. But I always like to consider the possibility that maybe the author just wanted us to enjoy it, you know?” Chaeyoung tilts her head and looks at Mina. “Without thinking deeply.”

“Huh,” Mina’s never thought about it like that. “So I can just appreciate the work then, right?”

“Well, there’s no real right or wrong,” Chaeyoung laughs again. “You could also think about what could’ve gone through their head _while_ creating it.”

“Purpose.”

“Yeah, purpose. Intention. Not meaning. I like to put them separately.”

Mina looks back at the abstract piece. From her perspective, it was as if the artist threw on all the blue paint they owned, but didn’t have enough to finish the layers in the middle, allowing lighter shades to streak through. A single white line crossed the center of the canvas, but transitioned into what seemed like a soundwave growing louder. The early stages of the wave were drawn in clear and crisp white, neat. But the waves’ increase in volume was expressed violently, frustrated white streaks blurring into the background. When Mina looks carefully, the wave never reaches the other end of the canvas, suddenly mute and cute off. She then reads the title: _Morning._

If Mina had any interpretation of the artist’s intentions, they were all shattered by the name. _Morning_ did remind her of a rich blue, like her Blue mornings, but it’s not what you’d typically imagine from a morning. It lacked the yellow-orange glow seeping into midnight blue, though personally Mina understands the artist’s perspective; the color was that of her Blue mornings. But the soundwave—was morning really like that? It didn’t grow then cut off at the very end. Was this not morning itself, but rather the artist’s expression of their feelings on a certain morning?

“Someone is suddenly lost in thought.” Chaeyoung chuckles, teasing.

“You definitely opened a new world for me,” Mina admits, feeling foolish. “I never really thought about anything except how it looked. Shallow, I know.”

“It’s a common misconception that you should _just_ look for meaning in things, which is ironic considering there are potentially so _many_ meanings in everything,” Chaeyoung shrugs. “But art really isn’t for everyone. We’re all bound to see things differently.”

 _Yeah,_ Mina thinks, eyes torn from the painting to Chaeyoung. _I think I see you differently too._

___________________________________

_Better to light a candle than curse the darkness._

___________________________________

camhanaich (GLA)

(n.) early morning twilight.

.

.

.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's around here in the story where there's more about Mina's interactions with other people in her life, though we're mostly still with Chaeyoung. As you can see, Mina's somehow surrounded herself with good people (though she may not realize it completely). I know this is a pretty difficult feat in real life, where we encounter all kinds of shitty people but I guess this is my way of hoping we'll find that "one good person" in the future lol
> 
> The next chapters get more interesting (at least I think so). Either way, I hope you liked it and thanks for reading!


	6. 建前

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I planned on releasing this chapter earlier this week before I realized I had to change a lot so I just kept putting it off lol  
> But we meet my man JB here, so that's fun... he's basically the dude we all need in life as an emotional support system lmao gosh imagine if certain characters really existed, life would be like so much better
> 
> Anyways...
> 
> Hope you enjoy!

**FOR SOMEONE THAT** hates, HATES, her selected major, Mina does disgustingly well at it. It’s sickening really, makes Chaeyoung green with envy when she hears about it.

“That’s not how it should work.”

“Well, that’s how it’s working.”

“You’re a machine.”

“So I’ve been told.” Mina says darkly. She’s heard a couple other synonyms too: _robot, zombie, devoid of all emotions, dead inside, does she even speak, why does she look like the kind of person who would curse the world after killing herself._ She’s heard it all. 

“No, no, it’s good to be a machine. Especially in college,” Chaeyoung says quickly. “Especially once you’ve gotten that degree under your belt. It’ll all be worth it.”

“Have I not told you that I hate my major?”

Chaeyoung looks up, startled. “...no?”

“ _No?_ ” Mina looks up from her textbook, just as incredulous. “I haven’t? Not during one of my drunken sprees? Not even during my _sober_ sprees?”

“I guess not,” Chaeyoung scratches her head. “But seriously, what? You hate biomedical sciences?”

“Come on, Chaeyoung, do I really look like a biomedical science person? A _science_ person?”

“No, not really, but you also don’t look like a ballet person,” Mina scowls in response. Smartasses. She hates them. “Why do you hate it?”

“It’s not what I wanted to do. It’s not even my second option. More like somewhere between fourth or fifth.”

“So what did you want to do? Dance?”

“Yeah,” Mina’s chest aches. She started this conversation; would it be rude to want to end it? “I just wanted to fucking dance.”

“Then why don’t you?”

“Because I can’t go pro.”

“Are you not good enough? Is that why?” Mina wants to laugh. The irony. The fucking irony. “Wait. I’ve never even seen you dance.”

Mina nearly chokes. Fucking coward. “Ah. Yeah.”

“That’s not an answer.”

“You didn’t exactly ask a question.”

“I want to see you dance,” Chaeyoung tilts her head like a cat. “Can I see you dance?”

“Sure, I guess,” Mina mumbles, with a small smile. “Why though?”

“Because I want to see for myself if you’re good enough. I feel like you’d lie to me, tell me you suck or something.”

“You’re not an expert, how would you know if I’m good enough?”

“Because I think as long as you can keep the audience’s attention, you’re good enough. Fuck skill.” 

Oh. _Oh._ Chaeyoung, _fuck,_ Chaeyoung was truly something else. 

“I don’t know if I’ll meet your standards, but I’m worth watching. I don’t think you’ll be disappointed.”

“That is the first time you didn’t insist you weren’t good,” Chaeyoung grins widely. Mina smiles weakly in response. How could she degrade something she was so experienced with? Art was one thing, a hobby with no serious time put into it. But she had poured thousands of hours into her dance. It would be an insult to her years of practice to call her mediocre. “I love hearing that. I wish I had the guts to ask you sooner.”

Mina laughs. “Guts? You’ve asked me a lot of things before but this was the one you had trouble asking?”

“I dunno,” Chaeyoung shrugs, typing away furiously. “People are particular about certain things. Lots of people don’t sing when asked to, dance when asked to, show things when asked to.”

“That’s because they’re not proud of their work,” Mina says without hesitation. She isn’t proud of her artwork. “But I’m proud of my ballet. Really proud.” That’s why, despite all that’s happened, Mina will never let go. _Pride_. 

_Fucking stupid pride._

Mina is surprised how easy it is for her to let Chaeyoung follow her into the studio. She’s not as nervous as she thought she would be. She licks her lips dry and heads for the speakers where she connects her phone. She sets the music up, walks carefully to the center, already forgetting Chaeyoung in the background. 

Then a breath as the first note rings, and she dances. 

Mina loves words. She has a fascination with them and the powers they carry. But Mina has never been able to find a word that describes her feeling, her love, her passion for dance. 

When you respect something, it respects back. While that doesn’t always work on people, it works on things like dance who has respected her every moment of the way. Ballet made her feel things she didn’t know she could; they were emotions lost within her soul, mixed with the music, twisted with her arms, melded with her jumps, and all shoved back in her chest with the final note. 

For Mina, ballet was as necessary as oxygen and water and food. Without it, she’d die. That’s why she’s already died once. The way it made her feel was exhilarating and inexplicable, like slowly dipping fingers into all the colors of paint. 

When Mina finishes, she’s breathing hard and she finally meets Chaeyoung’s expression which is so obviously in awe. Just awe. Mouth open, leaning forward with excitement, enthralled. She misses seeing these expressions. A wave of pride washes into her and she adds the remnants to her little self-esteem. 

“You’re good enough,” Is all Chaeyoung can manage, still stuck in a daze. “You’re more than fucking good enough. What the fuck. What the fuck, how are you not good enough, Mina that was incredible!”

It’s the same old response and Mina responds to it in the same old way: a tough smile before she proceeds to explain why she’s not good enough. 

“Bullshit!” Chaeyoung is quick to call and Mina smiles at the enthusiasm. “Bullshit, Mina, that’s fucking bullshit, stop being a Debbie-Downer.”

“Are you an elementary school teacher?”

“Now you listen to me,” Chaeyoung points an aggressive finger in her face. Mina flinches at the assertiveness. “I won’t let you get out of this one with sarcasm. Pack your things, we’re going to the administrations office.”

“What? For what?” Mina is alarmed when Chaeyoung ignores the whole “pack your things” spiel and begins dragging her by the arm. 

“You’re transferring. I won’t let you keep attending stupid biomedical sciences or whatever shit you do.” She sounds so passionate and earnest, Mina wants to let her. She lets the three seconds of bliss set in before she snaps into reality. 

“Yeah, we’re not doing that.”

“Love, are you out of your mind?!” Chaeyoung looks frustrated, Mina would go as far as calling it anger that’s flashing in her eyes. “I thought you were just being, I dunno, a typical college student with the whole ‘I hate my major’ but like you _seriously_ need to drop it. Drop it _now_.”

“Come on, Chaeyoung, let’s be practical here,” Mina uses Reasoning. It’s not very effective. “I can’t just transfer now, I’ve wasted two years-”

“You wasted two years on something you shouldn’t have,” Mina swallows. It’s definitely anger. “And you still want to do it.”

“I don’t have much of a choice, Chaeyoung.”

“Did your parents force you?” _They wish they did._

“No.”

“You mean to tell me you did this to yourself? Like on your own will?”

“Yes, Chaeyoung, yes,” Mina sighs, pulling her arm away to leave Chaeyoung in perplexion. “I joined this course completely by my own will.”

Chaeyoung stares for a long while, then shakes her head. “Since you’re not gonna explain, _why_?”

Silence. She is met with silence. Mina chews her lips anxiously, like she’s pretending it’s not her turn to answer.

“ _Mina._ ”

“Because I had no other choice!”

“That doesn’t even make _sense_!”

“I know!” Mina groans, head thrown back. This was ridiculous. Fucking ridiculous. “I know. I just- it’s hard to explain. I just- I just _couldn’t_ dance anymore.” Does that even make sense? When she dances every free hour of the day? It even _sounds_ ridiculous, just great. She prepares herself for Chaeyoung’s refusal to accept such a useless explanation. But instead, Chaeyoung sighs like she just _knows_ and is too tired to argue. 

“Does this have to do with why you’re falling?” Mina feels sick. Something bubbles in the base of her throat and she swallows desperately to not throw up right then and there. _Yeah, she knows._

Mina doesn’t say anything but of course, Chaeyoung _knows._ Chaeyoung stares quietly at Mina, not with pity like others, but with curiosity. Like she’s asking why you can sometimes see the moon at the same time as the sun. 

“Okay. Okay,” It sounds like Chaeyoung’s telling herself. “I see,” Mina wishes she could tell her what she sees. “You’ll tell me when you’re ready, won’t you?”

Mina freezes. That shouldn’t be the question. Chaeyoung was supposed to get frustrated with Mina, frustrated with how stubborn and useless she was being, she was supposed to get mad and leave. Mina wasn’t prepared for anything else so what the fuck is she supposed to do now?

Chaeyoung made the fucking promise to her, the promise of catching, but only now does Mina think how stupid and foolish it was. Why would you do that- why would you willingly make a promise _like that_ , a promise that you would stay, to a fucking stranger? And a stranger like Mina too?

Having watched Mina for so long, why hadn’t Chaeyoung picked up her things and ran? How could she stay so calm and collected in front of a mess like Mina? Mina has no idea what to say to Chaeyoung right now; she simply couldn’t understand. 

But she still nods before she can help herself. Mina wasn’t very good at saying no anyway. “I will.” The words slip. _You fucking fool._

She must be really curious how long Chaeyoung will last. It’s a fair question; how long _will_ she last before she sees what lies underneath the facade of perfection?

___________________________________

_Outside noisy, inside empty._

___________________________________

What Mina can’t find in daily life, she finds in her nights with Chaeyoung. They’re a fucking roller coaster of making love which might be the only other thing that gets Mina out of bed in the mornings. But they’ve established it as distractions; it’s so demeaning yet Mina is grasping at whatever she can get. Beggars can’t be choosers. 

But still Mina has qualms in their relationship—whatever it was. Distraction was a label, but that half ambiguity was still there and Mina did not like it one bit. Mina wanted something a bit more clear cut but she had no idea how to ask for it. So she asks the next best thing. 

“I am the last person you should be asking for relationship advice.”

“But you’re literally in a relationship, what the fuck?”

Sana sighs. “That’s different.”

“How is it different?”

“Okay, more like Chaeyoung is different.”

“I know. That’s why I came to you, her _best friend._ ”

Sana sighs yet again. If this were anyone else, Mina might’ve felt embarrassed enough to leave, pretend this conversation never even happened but she needed answers. She needed to know how far she could go without making a fool out of herself (not that she hadn’t already made a fool out of herself) but you get the point. 

“Look, Chaeyoung’s… changed. The Chaeyoung I was really fucking close with exists, but Europe, well, Europe did… things to her.”

“What? What things?”

“I don’t know if she’s told you anything, but she went through some shit in Europe,” Sana says seriously. “It’s not my place to tell, but after that, um, she’s not really- well- the same. You know her, she’s a free spirit.” 

Mina’s heart sinks. Well, this wasn’t _that_ unexpected but it’s still frustrating. 

“So you’re telling me she doesn’t want a relationship.”

“No! No. I-I don’t know?” Sana brushes her hair back angrily. “As much as I hate to say it, I don’t know much about the current Chaeyoung. And unfortunately, if you want to know, you don’t have another option except asking her yourself.”

Well. Back to square one then. 

Mina’s too much of a coward to just go for it. Her ideology is always plan and practice. Her perfectionist brain is wired to not make rash decisions (this is usually disregarded by alcohol, but that’s a different story). So Mina does the next most logical thing: gather information. 

“What was your Europe trip like?”

Mina doesn’t realize how bold it is until she asks. Until she sees Chaeyoung’s head snap up. Until she hears the tapping noise Chaeyoung always does while working stops. 

Mina wants the ground to eat her up whole, now. When Chaeyoung doesn’t turn around and just continues to type away, the desperation deepens. _Now, stupid universe, now._

But it doesn’t. Mina just stares at the dull carpet awkwardly until Chaeyoung sighs, exhausted. “Amazing. Then shitty. Then both at once.”

Well. She no longer wishes the floor would eat her up, but wishes someone, _anything_ , could destroy Chaeyoung’s habit of saying vague things. As a cookie cutter person, Mina would much rather embarrass herself if it meant getting to the point. She would definitely do that then watch her nerves eat at her insides as she drawls out each question.

“Why?”

“Shit happened.” Mina wants to slap her. She had to be doing this on purpose, she had to, wasn’t she?

“What shit?”

“Curious, aren’t you?” The tone is sour. Yeah, guess she’ll just die now. It still bothers her that the tapping hasn’t returned.

“Sorry.”

“No, you can keep asking. I can just choose not to answer.” Mina’s face burns crimson. 

“I’ll… I’ll leave now. I’ll come back another…” Maybe Chaeyoung just realizes the weight of her words.

“Ah, fuck. No, Mina, no, that was mean,” She rushes quickly to grab Mina’s arm so she swallows that ugly lump in her throat. “I didn’t mean that. I’m sorry.”

Mina’s not really sure what to say. It had stung, more than she’d like to admit, but it wouldn’t hurt her to be on the receiving end for a bit, would it?

“I don’t like to talk about Europe. I mean, I do. But not all of it,” Mina tries an Chaeyoung and simply waits. She doesn’t realize how effective it is. “I had…” She struggles for the right word. It exists, but she doesn’t know it. “Some issues while studying. Relationship problems.”

Mina’s thoughts settle on the _mon amour_ photo album. 

“I just get really annoyed when I talk about it. Sorry,” This isn’t telling her much. In fact, it only solidifies the fact that Chaeyoung is _not_ looking for a relationship. “But I will tell you eventually. I promise. Especially if _you’re_ going to tell me things too.”

It’s kind of stupid the way Mina has grown attached to Chaeyoung. Actually, it’s _really_ stupid. Because Mina knows she’s not the kind to do relationships (speaking from absolutely no prior experience) but she’s just _that_ kind of person. She’s clingy, very clingy, and a distraction is the last thing she’d like to label whatever she had with Chaeyoung; it was too vague. It was not enough. 

That being said, it was wrong of her to agree. It was a mistake to call it something Mina would most definitely not be able to keep it at. _No strings attached._ What bullshit. She’ll develop feelings no matter what, hopelessly one-sided. At the same time, she doesn’t want it to be two-sided because that would be even worse. The other person would expect something, time and comfort that she can’t give enough of. That would be even worse. Thankfully, Mina’s a masochist, not a sadist. 

So yeah, when she goes home, the rest of the conversation a blur, she crawls into a little ball with blankets wrapped around her and rocks back and forth. 

What now?

What the fuck now?

Was she in love with Chaeyoung? No. Definitely not (yet). But she wanted more. 

Hmm. Was that contradicting? She wanted more than a distraction, but more than a distraction would lead to love. Was she ready for love, for all the closed doors that needed to be opened and all the emotions she shoved into the dusty attic of her heart?

No. The answer is an unmistakable no. But with Chaeyoung, she hopes. A little rebel piece of her just hopes for a miracle. 

___________________________________

Thanks to Sana’s intervention early in her first year of classes, Mina is able to socialize properly. Well, semi-properly, considering the only friends she has are within Sana’s circle, minus BamBam. She gets along fine with all of them, able to make casual conversation, but she’s still awkward, laughing a little too hard when she doesn’t know what to say. This happens with everyone, well, except Im Jaebum. 

Mina thinks Jaebum is cool. She actually knew Jaebum before she met Sana. He was one of the upperclassmen in major that her teacher declared without hesitation, point-blank, a genius. He came in a couple times to her class, giving small lectures while the teacher beamed, like she hadn’t coerced him into coming against his will. But Jaebum did everything with a smile, a laugh, Mr. Perfect, but Mina saw too much of herself in him to not notice he was overwhelmed. She never told him she thought he wasn’t as perfect as he made himself out to be (that would be rude) but she liked knowing that even the brightest diamonds could have chips. 

Mina always felt that she and Jaebum were kind of similar in that manner. They were both visibly impeccable people, but they were also clumsy and awkward. She liked Jaebum’s easy-going personality, but never had a proper chance to talk with him until Sana introduced them. They never spoke much, but when they did, it was always the kind of conversation you could never join. 

For some reason, Jaebum stays with Mina at the next party. He refuses to give in to Sana and the rest of their friend group who insists they should “party”, but he claims he’s not in the mood. Instead, he stands with Mina, leaning against a wall as they both take in the mess that are Nayeon’s parties. Gosh. They _really_ were something. 

They both sip on some juice—fruit punch, Mina realizes, a disgrace to all juices—because they’re not willing to get drunk for two different reasons. Jaebum rarely drank at parties. The few times he did, everyone was shocked, flabbergasted at how drunk Jaebum and sober Jaebum were of the same person. He insists that he’ll just look after his girlfriend, and that someone level-headed needs to take her and the others back home. 

Mina, on the other hand, refuses to ingest booze because she was paranoid. Terrorized by the incidents of last time, she made it clear she wasn’t going to suffer like that again. Not until she got her emotions under check. Sana claimed that she might as well declare alcohol abstinence for the rest of her life if she wanted to control her feelings. She swirls her disgraceful fruit punch in her cup and sighs; yeah, her emotions weren’t going to settle any time soon. 

“What are we even doing here?” Jaebum sighs, taking a long sip of his fruit punch. 

“Being good friends.” She glances at their friend group which is scattered throughout the room. 

“Do we have to?”

“No,” Mina sighs too. They were the epitome of perfect people who could only take so much and the most they could do was sigh. “No. We could ditch right now and let these idiots find their way home by themselves.”

Jaebum glances at Mina. Then they both sigh again. Someone might think they haven’t had time to breathe. 

“We’re bad friends anyway,” Jaebum winces as a table goes tumbling. Mina scrunches her nose in disgust; she hopes the kid that jumped on it sprained an ankle. She takes it back immediately. “Why does it matter if we stay?”

“Occupational obligations?”

He scoffs. “We’re not getting paid for this.”

“You’re getting a girlfriend at the least.” Jaebum nearly chokes, then laughs. 

“Yeah, I guess I am.”

“I’m jealous.”

“What about Chaeyoung?”

“What _about_ Chaeyoung?”

“Don’t play stupid.”

“We don’t really have something going on.”

He raises an eyebrow as they both survey their surroundings. From the distance, they look like a pair of hot, rich, elitist siblings. “Could’ve fooled me.”

“More like fuck buddies, I guess.”

“Really?” He seems genuinely surprised. Did people really see _something_ between her and Chaeyoung? She didn’t. She knew there wasn’t. “It looked like a bit more.”

“I’d-” It’s easier to talk to strangers. But Jaebum’s more of like her personal therapist (she doesn’t know it yet though). “I’d like it to be.”

“And she doesn’t?”

“I don’t think so.”

“On what basis?”

“You’ve seen her. She’s a free spirit. She’s not the kind to settle down.” _And not for someone like me._

“You could talk to her.”

“Talking is hard.”

“Yeah.”

Mina whirls around in surprise. “You’re good at talking.” Especially public speaking. Oh, a far off skill Mina would love and hate to have but also have no use for. 

“Being good at something doesn’t mean it’s easy,” He says pointedly. “You of all people should know that.”

“Yeah. You’re right,” She says glumly, sinking back. “But I think it’s not that I’m scared of talking to her. I just don’t know if I really want to make it more.”

Jaebum is a great listener. He doesn’t comment on much, even when he knows the context behind it. Mina likes that; he makes a good Stranger without being an actual Stranger. But for once, he speaks up. This must be an “all” kind of conversation. “Elaborate.”

“No.”

“ _Mina._ ” Mina sometimes thinks she and Jaebum aren’t close, that they just pretend. And then moments like this happen and Mina isn’t sure. Maybe it’s because they aren’t close that they can say shit like this. 

“I’m bad at relationships.”

“Why? Did you have a bad experience?”

“No. I’ve never been in a relationship.” Except with ballet. 

“Elaborate.” Jaebum’s eyes are narrowed and he’s staring at her like a puzzle he has to put together. Mina wishes she could tell him she’s already tried to and failed. 

“I’ve never been in a relationship, but I’ve had really shitty friendships,” This is true for all it’s worth. “It’s mostly because I get attached more than the other person.”

“You don’t know how Chaeyoung feels about you.”

They’ve never had a conversation like this before except once and it was when he felt insecure about him and his girlfriend's relationship. It was ridiculous; he was the perfect boyfriend. There was no reason to be worried, but they had a long and open talk, much to Mina’s horror. It was probably the most gruelling hour ever. She’d never comforted someone like that and still regrets some of what she said (only some because she can’t remember it all) during her shower thoughts. But something about her rash, on-the-spot statements really stuck with Jaebum. He didn’t tell her, but he grew a certain respect for Mina then. 

“I know. But at the same time, it’s not like I bring more to the plate than the other person either,” Mina groans, this close to breaking her fast and grabbing a beer bottle. Gaaah. “I’m really fucking selfish.”

“Really?”

“Yes, really,” Mina snorts. Her hands are itching for the beer and she gazes desperately for the alcohol table. _So close, yet so far._ “I… tend to self-destruct.”

“How?”

“I get mad.”

“Doesn’t everyone?”

“Jaebum, when have you seen me get mad?”

He blinks. “...never?”

“Exactly,” She groans. She takes a step towards the alcohol table when Jaebum clears his throat. She retracts immediately. “Neither has Nayeon. Neither has Sana.”

He’s silent for a bit. “I’m afraid I don’t see your point.” _Me neither._

“But when I blow up, I get really, _really,_ upset,” She follows Jaebum towards the juice table for a refill. She accepts the shitty fruit punch he offers. “And I say things I mean, like _really_ mean. Things I don’t regret for thinking, but for saying out loud.”

There’s a word, _druxy_ , which describes something to be whole on the outside, but rotten on the inside. It usually refers to trees but Mina could apply it to people, to herself, the despicable kind of person she is. She can’t believe she just said all of that to Jaebum. Mina wonders how much his perspective of her has changed, if he has even less respect than before. 

“You’re afraid you’ll hurt her.” He’s truly a therapist. 

“Yes. I want more, but I’m afraid of hurting her,” Mina smiles dryly. Dead on the inside. “Self-control, I guess. Just like with alcohol.”

“That’s… that’s good of you.” She blinks at him, but he’s still gazing forward at the chaos in front of them. Nobody has used _good_ in that type of context with Mina. 

She looks away. Is it _good_ though? Does something as simple as that make her _good?_

The answer is no. A good person wouldn’t identify themself as selfish and accept it. A good person wouldn’t try to work around selfishness. A good person would try to change.

___________________________________

_If you will always give, you will always have._

___________________________________

建前 _tatemae_ (JPN) 

(n.) the behavior and opinions one displays in public; facade.

.

.

.


	7. sehnsucht

**“WHY DO WE** live?”

“Good question.”

“I want an answer.”

“Then you’re asking the wrong person.”

BamBam groans at Mina. “I think I’m dying.”

“I told you physics sucks. This is absolutely, completely, your fault.”

“Thank you for that.” He glares. 

“You’re welcome.”

“But like seriously,” BamBam slams his fist against the rickety convenience store table. It doesn’t startle Mina anymore. She has come to the conclusion that it is nothing more than a hormonal teenage boy who is frustrated with classes. “I saw this thing once, not like a meme, but like those inspiration quotes with flowery backgrounds.”

Mina rolls her eyes. How do you mute an individual?

“And it was something like, ‘Young people have time and energy, but no money. Adults have money and energy, but no time. And old people have time and money, but no energy.’,” Mina looks up finally. “So where do we win?”

“We don’t.”

“Life is a scam.”

“Go ask for your money back, I guess.”

She agrees with him though. Life was just a big scam. People condemned gambling, but wasn’t life just one whole big casino? You’re just constantly throwing money at things and hoping for the best. Play it safe or don’t. 

Mina wonders if whoever created life wanted it to be this. Did they really want to create something this dreadful, this miserable, where things can’t stay constant for a second? Maybe they wanted to create something nice, something simple and beautiful. Or would that defeat the purpose? She sighs aloud; there she goes again.

Mina has realized hanging out with BamBam spurs lots of useless conversations. She hates admitting that she likes them. They give her more chances to think (though she has a lot to begin with). But over-pondering is, well, not good. But it’s interesting. And Mina thinks she’s grateful that even though life doesn’t give her a lot of what she wants, it gives her the opportunity to think. 

___________________________________

Mina didn’t talk to Jaebum after that day. She’s still not convinced he’s her therapist. Because if he were, he shouldn’t have left her feeling more confused than she already was, should he?

She wants to talk to him again because somehow, he’s the only person who seems to listen to her properly. But it’s a bit weird to bring up out of the blue, and she’s not sure if he’ll even _want_ to hear about it. She tells herself it will happen when it happens, and just like that, a fortnight passes. 

The next time she sees him as Mark’s house. It’s called a party, but she considers it a get-together. A potluck, Mark will say, though it’s not quite accurate if Mark is the only one cooking. And cooking isn’t quite accurate either, really, if all Mark is doing is making ten servings of ramen. 

Mark was an interesting character. He fell somewhere along the lines of “mature adult”, but he wasn’t as playful as Jackson. He could be responsible at times and was likely the reason the whole dorm wing could survive, even if it were just off packets of instant food. 

Mina found herself helping Mark from the start. When Sana first introduced her to the rest of the friend group, she discovered it was Mark who filled in the nook and crannies of their plans. He’d usually be the one making a list of supplies, cooking food, planning out their little excursions. It was huge step forward when Mina shyly took initiative and offered to help him out with those kinds of stuff. 

Ever since then, Mina’s become Mark’s personal assistant, especially when making food. Mina usually joins Mark in the kitchen while the rest of their friends chill in the living room. She’s pretty decent at cooking, more than capable in comparison to the others, and does what she can to help. It was fun helping Mark out, and she enjoyed making herself useful and busy especially in her early days of socialization; It gave her a chance to feel included. Today she eases into the kitchen to chop vegetables. 

“So, how was your day?” Mark’s conversation starters are typical. Mina used to panic, because all of a sudden she can’t remember what her entire day was about, but now she breathes and calmly answers. 

“Shit.” The rest of the group was seated in the living room, munching on chips because “you couldn’t fucking wait for the food, could you?” Jaebum watches from above as they play a game of ERS. These people could get wild and he wasn’t planning on putting his hand in the middle of sharpened nails and competitive palms. 

“On a scale of kitten to tiger?”

Mina thinks about it. “Lynx. It could’ve been worse, looking back on it.”

Mark beams brightly. “Did anything in particular happen?”

“No. It was just one of those days.”

“Class?”

“Yeah. It was harder and more boring at the same time.”

“You could ask Jaebum for help.”

“I could,” Mina ponders, then grins. “But don’t forget, I’m a genius.”

“I hate you smart people,” Mark grumbles. Mina hands over the rest of the vegetables that she’s quickly chopped down and Mark looks at her gratefully. If it weren’t for her, he’d choose not to add any nutritional value whatsoever. She feels a small, silly kind of pride when he tosses her contribution in. “Always so efficient.”

“You’re smart too though.”

“Yeah. Until I got to my masters. Then I started feeling really stupid.”

“But you’re not stupid, you’re just stressed.”

“Sometimes,” He sighs, sauteing vigorously. “It feels like they’re the same thing so it doesn’t even matter.”

“You’ll be fine.”

“Until finals.”

Mina has to agree. You can’t escape finals, no matter how fucking genius you are. There are rumors that even The Great Jaebum has cried during his science finals. 

“This is basically done,” Mark continues, glancing at his noodles. “Go ahead and join their game.”

“Hell no. I respect my hands.” He smiles understandingly. Their friends tended to get a little… competitive. Thus, occasionally violent. 

“Then go stand with Jaebum.”

Mina does but realizes that it’s not that easy to start their conversation from last time back up. Especially with Chaeyoung sitting two feet in front of them, even if she’s too invested in their game to notice. They both stand awkwardly, watching the ongoing card game with amusement and fear. 

Fortunately, Mark saves them. Mark the lifesaver. He must’ve been some sort of god in his last life. “You two. Since you both refuse to participate, how about you go down to the convenience store and get some dessert.”

“Yes!” Sana inserts herself. “Like those sugar cookies!”

“Those are disgusting,” Mina argues. “We will get something better.”

“What better are you going to get at the convenience store?” Jackson asks, rolling his eyes. 

“We’ll find something,” Jaebum addresses everyone, smoothing the food debate over and letting it fall back into the card game argument. “Come on, let’s go.”

It’s cold outside, colder than Mina would like it. But Mina prefers the cold to the warm because she can put on many layers but she can’t peel off her skin. 

Surprisingly, Jaebum begins the conversation. “So did you talk to her?”

“Chaeyoung? I thought we established that I didn’t plan to.”

“So what? You both are just gonna act like there’s nothing wrong.”

“There _is_ nothing wrong. It’s just me being weird.”

“You don’t know how she feels.”

Mina feels just as dejected. “I don’t.” 

“But?”

“There is no but.”

“There should be,” He’s so wise. Mina can’t even fathom why he has insecurities, but perfect people were always the ones far from perfect. They were very good at hiding it. “You should talk to her.”

Should. Would. Could. All three different words with three different meanings but Mina can easily attach a Not to all three of them. “I’m scared.”

“So you’re just going to just keep fucking? Just like that? Even though you hate it?” He’s not the kind of person for it to mean to be harsh, but Mina wonders if he’s trying to irk a reaction out of her. 

“I don’t hate it. I just don’t want to hurt her.”

“Maybe she’s stronger than that. Maybe she won’t let you hurt her,” Jaebum continues before she says anything. “And you won’t know that till you talk.”

“You’re right.” They are easy words once you get used to saying them. Then you can escape any conversation without further argument, leaving the other person satisfied and you relieved. But Jaebum’s not an idiot. 

“Then do it.”

“I’ll-” She was going to say “I’ll try”, which is the truth. She’ll try, no promises of success. But then she catches sight of the inside of the convenience store from the base of the stairs and ducks immediately. 

“What?” Jaebum asks, alarmed. “What happened?”

“I can’t go inside.”

“What?”

“I know the dude at the register.”

“ _Mina_.” They all knew Mina’s social anxiety was a bit terrible, but Jaebum thought this was taking it ridiculously far. 

“No. It’s not that. I…” She trails off. “I did something stupid in front of him.”

“Stupid?”

“Yeah. Like really stupid and weird. He probably thinks I’m crazy now.”

“Oh, come on, it can’t-”

“It’s pretty bad.” Mina says seriously, cringing. Maybe she’s overreacting but it’s too soon. He can judge her another time, but not today for God’s sake. 

“Fine,” Jaebum relents. “What are we getting? Sugar cookies? And?”

“Cupcakes, I guess. Jackson might like chocolate. Oh, and ice cream! You can't go wrong with ice cream.”

“Fine. I’ll go. Wait here.” He says it like Mina has somewhere else to be. So she kicks around stones and picks up trash because she’s feeling nostalgic and stares anxiously at the doors. After what seems like forever, Jaebum comes outside and they leave. 

“He seems normal.”

“Exactly.”

Jaebum raises an eyebrow as if to say _once again, I’m missing the point._

“I’m afraid he might’ve gotten freaked out by me.”

“What the hell did you do?”

“Nothing bad,” She says sheepishly. “But strange.”

He’s back to looking at her like a puzzle. “...okay.” He doesn’t forget though. “So you’re going to talk to her.”

“...you’re not giving me a choice, are you?”

“No.”

“Then, yes. I guess.”

“It’s okay if it doesn’t work out.”

Mina snorts. “Easy for you to say.”

Jaebum shrugs in response. “It just means she’s not a good person.”

“What?”

“Good people try. Even if they fail.”

Mina stares at the ground for a long time and doesn’t say anything. She kicks a rock instead. Then finally, “You’re fucking wise, you know that?”

“I feel like an owl, don’t say that.”

“You’re a good person, Jaebum.” _And I’m afraid I’m not._

___________________________________

_A bit of fragrance clings to the hand that gives flowers._

___________________________________

Mina collects all her nerves and courage when she goes to talk to Chaeyoung. She shoves the self-esteem as best she can into a drawer, for fear of it falling even more. She would much rather prefer to be drunk or high so she won’t remember if she fucked up, but she’s afraid Chaeyoung might take it as a joke. Like the last time, Mina decides to ask after a very satisfactory sex. 

“I know-” She’s shaking on the inside, like her organs are experiencing an earthquake caused by her thoughts and it reflects on the trembling of her voice. At least she’s not squeaking yet. “I know last time we decided on something, but do we have a label… for this?”

“A label,” Chaeyoung says thoughtfully and Mina’s insides clench. _For what?_ she asks; the worst is yet to come. “Do we need a label?”

There’s a bad way to make people feel small and it’s by saying the things they don’t want to hear without even realizing it. It’s bad because there’s nothing they can do. 

In a smaller voice, Mina asks. “I’d… I’d like one. A proper label.” _I’m tired of just fucking,_ is what she wants to scream, but she doesn’t have that much courage. _I want something more… please._

And the silence just drawls out long, and _long_ , and _looong_ and Mina thinks she’s going to lose it, or cry, or both and she just wants to pretend she never asked and actually have the universe swallow her up, for real this time. 

_Say something,_ she wants to beg pathetically on her knees. She’s too desperate now. She might’ve stopped drinking for a bit, but she feels like she’s addicted to Chaeyoung instead. This was going to end horribly. 

Maybe what hurts the most is how speechless Chaeyoung is, how taken aback, how she never even fathomed that Mina would want something more. It just confirmed that was happy with quick sex. _Fuck. Fuck. Fuck._ Mina wants to scream. 

“I… I don’t know, love, I didn’t think… you’d…” Mina has never seen her so flustered. 

“Maybe we should stop then.” Mina’s surprised the words come out. She wants to stop herself, two conflicting voices arise in her head, but she just continues, unsure when the words formed. 

“...huh?”

“I think maybe… we should stop. It’s not…” _Healthy_ is what she wants to say. But she’s sober enough to know not to. Instead, she just lets the sentence trail off, hoping that saying nothing would get her point across. 

She’s not sure what to expect, what she wants to hear, but she feels like she’s been slapped when Chaeyoung says “okay” just like that. Just like that. Mina hopes Chaeyoung can’t hear her heart pounding because it’s forming a thunderstorm in her head with her new headache. 

She turns on the bed and closes her eyes, hoping she can force back the burning that’s forming in the back of her eyes. She doesn’t know when Chaeyoung leaves, almost wishes she doesn’t, that she could take it all back. Instead, she just gathers her blankets and wraps herself around and rocks back and forth. But this time, there are tears falling.

She wants to tell someone, anyone, but who would she tell? Too frustrated to keep it to herself, she lets herself text Jaebum one sad little emoji. :(

Sad. Sad sad sad. _Fuck._ And to think, to think she had hopes for a miracle. She should’ve known miracles would be too generous. 

___________________________________

Mina doesn’t feel quite the same after that. She thinks Sana notices, because she invites her over for absolutely no reason. And it’s just quiet. Probably because Sana _knows_ and Mina doesn’t and there’s just a heavy silence in the air. 

Mina hates heavy silence. She likes Quiet. Nothing to feel. Heavy silence makes her feel things she doesn’t want to, let’s her think a darker chord of thoughts. 

“I heard about you and Chaeyoung,” Sana says carefully. “That you aren’t together anymore.”

“Were we _ever_ together?”

“ _Mina_.”

“No, seriously,” Mina lies back on Sana’s bed. “We never were together. We just had a thing. I- I thought it was something but I guess it was nothing.”

Mina hates the way Sana’s eyes burn into her like pity. She knows it’s pity, it’s definitely pity this time; there’s nothing else left. 

The conversation dies and Sana doesn’t bring it up again. You don’t bring up sad things to an even sadder person. Instead, they head over to the dance studio, because Sana insists that it’s been a very long time since she’s last seen Mina dance and Mina will never refuse an excuse to practice, better yet perform for someone. 

So they head on over to the practice room. It’s a weekend, so Mina expects it to be crowded, but it’s surprisingly empty and Sana joyfully heads over to connect the music. 

There’s something peaceful about practicing for Mina, but she’d be surprised to learn how much others enjoy it too. Sana never gets tired of seeing Mina move, whose years worth of experience should warrant money to see. It’s so fucking beautiful sometimes, with the music and the poise and the expressions Mina wears, that Sana cries.

It is probably the best reaction Mina can get from someone. 

Today is just practice though, so Sana watches Mina jump and spin and stare angrily at the mirror until she decides what she wants to fix. Mina gets so absorbed she doesn’t even notice time passing, typical, but neither does Sana; her friend doesn’t realize how mesmerized she is by Mina. 

Finally, Mina calls it quits, feeling somewhat happy with today’s progress. There’s not a single day where she’s completely satisfied so this is the best it’ll get. Sana’s just relieved that Mina’s mood has significantly improved and how they’re back to small talk. 

“I will never get over the bar incident.”

“You need to like, erase that from your mind as soon as possible,” Sana groans, heading over from the doorway. She hands Mina a towel. “It doesn’t get less embarrassing.”

“You are forever indebted to me for that, why would I forget it?”

“Of course, of course,” Sana says quickly. “I definitely am. But Jihyo,” She cringes. 

“I can’t believe your girlfriend literally paid me for it. Like that was _your_ job.” Mina rolls her eyes, smile on her lips. 

“When did she even give you her credit card?” Sana sounds incredulous. “I definitely need to properly pay you for that. In addition to her.” 

“She’s fucking loaded Sana, marry her now.”

“Loaded,” Sana repeats, incredulous.

“Yeah. I mean, I guess she’s also a good person. Pretty accomplished too.”

Sana simply rolls her eyes as she snatches the towel back from Mina’s hands. 

“You really like her, don’t you?”

“I love her.” Mina wonders how you can love a person so much. How do you _love_ a person like that?

Mina watches from the floor as Sana hums to herself, staring at her reflection in the mirror so happily. How do you be _happy_ like that? She’s so content with herself, lips stretched wide and she twirls lightly, reminiscent of her own dancing days. 

Just watching her, Mina’s chest hurts. It hurts too much to keep to herself. 

“Sana?”

“Yeah?”

“I’ve been feeling lonely.”

Sana freezes in her steps, smile fading away as quickly as it formed. _Shit._ Through the mirror, Sana sees Mina’s chest heaving.

Taking a deep breath, Mina repeats herself. “Sana, I feel lonely.” _And even more so now._

Sana turns back, eyes wide at the girl on the floor. She has to pretend this was the first time she was hearing about this. She carefully walks over and loops her arms around Mina. “It’ll be okay.” She says and Mina collapses. 

Mina confessed these fears drunk before, but it’s scary for Sana to hear them when she’s sober. That means Mina knows, she knows she’s struggling and that she can’t do anything about it. It breaks Sana’s heart, more than last time, and she wants to cry with her. 

Sana wasn't very tall and she was only an inch more than Mina herself. But crying into Sana’s frame makes her feel pathetic and there's a look of pity woven into Sana's concern; Mina can't help but feel the smallest she’s ever been. 

___________________________________

_The miracle is not to fly in the air, or to walk on the water, but to walk on the earth._

___________________________________

sehnsucht (GER)

(n.) wistful yearning, longing, and craving, intensely missing someone or something.

.

.

.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ughh I was planning on updating this chapter earlier but then I realized I had major editing to do so I ended up putting it off. I'm still not quite satisfied with how it turned out so I'm probably just gonna come back and edit later lol
> 
> Hope you enjoyed!


	8. toska

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this is a pretty short chapter but it works well with the pacing so I didn't bother adding another scene. The next chapter will be longer so hope you enjoy this for now! :)

**MINA SHOULD CALL** her mom. They exchange texts frequently: “have you been eating well?” “how are your classes going?” and a careful “are you still dancing?” She realizes that they’ve been very one-sided so she decides to take some initiative. 

She’s not as nervous as she should be, but holds an eerie calmness. She feels like she used all of her nerves with Chaeyoung and after getting quite possibly the worst outcome from that, there’s not much to fear. 

“Hey, Mom.” Mina says quietly as she stands up for the couch. For some reason, she can’t take calls while sitting and has an everlasting urge to _move,_ do something while she listens on the other end. 

The conversation is a blur and it’s typical. Her mother is joyous to hear Mina call first and it makes her smile and feel horrible at the same time. She misses the time where she wasn’t such a shitty daughter. 

“How’s ballet going?” Her mother asks on the other end. They both know it’s a sensitive topic but Mina can say with certainty that it’s not as bad as it once was. 

“Good. Better.”

“That’s good.” She pictures her Mom’s relieved expression, a sigh maybe. The tension that sat with ballet a couple years back is no longer there but it’s still nerve-wracking to talk about. Mina has changed a lot since then; she hopes her mother can relax. 

They talk for a bit more: Mina asks about her father, her mom asks about her friends, and it goes on without any breakdowns and tears. Finally, she feels her mom smile. “I’m glad you’re doing well.”

 _Me too, Mom, me too._ But what we get in one department, we often lose in the other. 

___________________________________

“Think about it,” Mina says fervently. “Math is sometimes a scam.”

“What are you on today?”

“Numbers like fifty-seven or ninety-one,” Her eyes are dead, but her mouth is thoughtful. “They should be prime. They just _look_ prime”

“Or fifty-one.”

“I’m glad your eyes have been opened.”

“Are you okay?” BamBam asks, snapping her out of her useless thoughts. Is it _that_ obvious something is wrong? Mina feels like she’s failed; she’s no longer good at pretending either, this is sad. 

“No.” She says simply, dryly. Dead on the inside. 

“Why?”

“Shit.”

“Stop saying that.”

Mina looks up at his outburst. She just wants to be sad and moody in peace; why couldn’t he just let it happen?

“Leave me alone,” She voices her thoughts. “I just want to be depressed.” She places her head against the table. 

“If you wanted me to leave you alone, you would’ve cancelled today.”

“Yeah.”

“Stop being a child. Be an adult.” BamBam is really helpful for the slap-in-the-face kind of pep talks that everyone’s too scared to give Mina. 

“I don’t wanna be an adult.”

“Well, you don’t have a choice.”

“I could just go and die.” She says, eyes closed and resting against her arms. She’s only half serious. Luckily, BamBam takes it as a joke.

“Not an option,” He shrugs. “But what’s up? What happened?”

“I dunno. Just stressed I guess. I also suck at communicating.”

“Communicating is hard,” BamBam agrees. “People are difficult.”

“People _are_ difficult.” 

“We’re people too.”

___________________________________

_Be not afraid of slow going, be afraid of standing still._

___________________________________

After Mina sent him the sad face, Jaebum could only assume the worst. However, he refused to hear it over the phone, saying it’s better to talk it out IRL (a true therapist) and waits till they can meet up. This happens a week after the incident and Mina is just kind of numb from it all.

They meet at a cafe this time, because the convenience store is getting old and Mina is only too scared to run into Stranger again. 

Jaebum waves Mina down when she gets there and plops down like a sack of potatoes. For a while, Mina just stares at the drink Jaebum ordered for her, which isn’t coffee, thank God, but some weird fruit flavored tea that can’t be much better. So she picks up the little mixing stick and begins swirling and swirling and-

“So what happened?”

“Literally the worst possible scenario.”

“You fought?”

“No. It was kind of worse than that.”

“Elaborate.”

Mina sighs. She lets go of the wooden stick and picks up the fruit tea. It tastes horrible, bitter and watery and artificially sweet at the same time. She feels like she’s drinking her emotions. 

“I asked for something more, and she-” Mina grips the cup tightly. “She was just speechless.”

“Speechless?”

“Just- so taken aback. Like she was appalled. Like she couldn’t even believe I asked her for something like that. Like she didn’t even consider that I might’ve wanted more.”

Jaebum stays silent. But his silences are thoughtful, like they’re carrying words that weigh tons but Mina isn’t as intellectually adept to understand them. 

“And then?”

“I- I couldn’t take it. I just told her it was fine. That maybe, maybe we should take a break. Or stop.”

Mina waits as Jaebum processes it. It’s dreadful watching him think because he approaches everything like a science problem, something that needs to be solved. Mina doesn’t hate it; she just thinks it’s different. But he doubts that perspective can solve everything.

“I know,” Mina interrupts before he has the chance to say anything. “Looking back, it was kind of my fault. I kind of just shut it down and-”

“No. It’s not your fault. It’s not your fault at all, Mina. It must’ve been,” Jaebum is careful with his words, not like the rest of them. He’s precise to make sure he says what he means, nothing more and nothing less. It’s such a beautiful mindset. “Frustrating.”

Mina wants to cry. She’s so out of it. She’s come to the point where she’s getting advice from the best boyfriend she knows and it’s some of the best she’s ever gotten. He just knows what to say and says it better than others. It’s a skill. Jaebum has many skills. 

“So what are you going to do?”

“If I’m being honest, I kind of just want to drink it all off.” He frowns and Mina knows it’s not the right answer. 

“Let’s _not_ do that.”

“I don’t really know what to do, Jaebum,” Mina places her hands on head, elbows resting against the table. “Hell, even her best friend doesn’t know what to do.”

Jaebum, bless his soul, looks genuinely upset for her. _Kalon,_ Mina thinks while staring at him, _means beauty that it more than skin deep._ She means that in the least _I-find-you-attractive_ way. “I’m sorry, Mina, I wish I could help you better.”

Mina is alarmed by this reaction. “What? No. No, you’re literally the only person keeping me half-sane. You’re a really good person.”

“I wanna say talk to her again,” He frowns to himself. “But I don’t know her well enough to know how effective that would be,” Mina smiles; his way of approaching things was so methodical, so precise. He could be a Pokemon trainer at this rate. “I guess it’s really down to how much you want this. If you’re willing to go the extra mile.”

She sips her drink again. It tastes better now. Not as bitter. Still too sweet. 

“I’m scared, Jaebum.” He was truly a good person; kalon suited him. 

He smiles half-heartedly. “I know. Just know that it will be alright.”

___________________________________

Mina still likes Chaeyoung a lot. It’s really, _really_ stupid. It makes her feel desperate, scratch that, she _is_ desperate but she wants to stop chasing after a girl who… what? A girl who what? What did Chaeyoung even do? Wasn’t this mostly her fault?

Her lips twist when she watches Chaeyoung laugh into Youngjae’s arms. Now, she has nothing against Youngjae; he really is funny and he’s an overall sweet guy but she wants nothing more than to sock him in his face. 

Is that immature of her? She wonders as she leans back into the couch at Nayeon’s party. Of course, alcohol is in hand but the cigarettes are still in her back pocket; Mina likes smoking in peace. There are too many people around for that. 

Mina has high tolerance that doesn’t really make much sense. It hasn’t been long since she began drinking but it grew to be one of her best friends. After a heavy practice, it was easy to use it to forget all of her flaws. And once morning came, she’d feel like shit but at least she can worry about her aching head instead. 

Speaking of, she’d abandoned her abstinence after the incident with Chaeyoung, despite Jaebum’s warnings. What even was the point? Let her body suffer, as long as she could forget. _Stupid. So fucking stupid._

She shakes herself back into reality, a disgusting reality with people littered all throughout Nayeon’s house. Parties were honestly just gross. Sure, there was the whole cool thing of going to parties like this and getting drunk and having sex (not saying Mina hasn’t done it) but they were just _gross._ It always got sweaty, you could never hear anyone over the music, the floors were covered with all kinds of shit, and people were either drunk, horny, or both. Mina cringes as she sees a boy throw up. _Disgusting._

She finds herself looking for Chaeyoung pathetically, eyes scanning the crowds earnestly. She’s not at all surprised to see her surrounded by a couple people, drink in hand, laughing heartily. She looks away darkly. _What are they even talking about, they probably can’t even hear each other._

She really hates crowds like this. When her glass gets empty, she heads outside for a smoke. She nearly steps on a puddle of spilt booze on the way. How Nayeon can afford cleaning this all up is mind-blowing but if she has a spare house _just_ for throwing these kinds of bangers, cleaning up was obviously the least of her concerns. 

The patio is usually empty and one other person leans against the railing, cigarette in mouth. When Mina steps closer (out of pure drunken curiosity), she notices the stranger’s cigarette is unlit. 

“Do you need a light?”

“Huh?” The guy flinches as Mina holds out her lighter, placing her own stick between her lips. “Oh, sure, thanks.”

She’s never seen him around before. It would be crazy if she did; more and more people find their way into Nayeon’s parties than Mina can keep track of. 

“So how do you know Nayeon?”

“She’s my older brother’s friend,” He exhales, letting out a long exhale. “He dragged me along, telling me I needed to get out more.”

Mina chuckles. Well, she sure could relate. “Who’s your brother?”

“Jackson. You know him?”

“You’re Jackson’s brother?” Mina blinks, looking him up and down. Well, she supposes they did look similar minus the hair color. “Yeah, I know him, he’s a friend. He and I have Calc together.”

“Well, you’d know he’s the party kind then,” Little brother sighs. “I’m not really that kind of person though.”

“Me neither.”

“Why’d you come then?”

“I’m one of Nayeon’s best friends. I kind of have to.”

“You don’t _have_ to.”

“No. I don’t. Maybe that’s not the right way to put it,” Mina’s gotten too familiar with cigarettes. The boy stares in awe as she blows rings. “I’m not forced or obligated or anything. I think it is good for me to get out sometimes though. I get really fucking depressed in the house.”

“Oh,” He scratches his head. “I just don’t loosen up in crowds like this.”

“Get drunk.”

“I’m twenty.”

“Oh.”

“Yeah.”

“Have a one night stand then.” Ah. BamBam. 

“What?”

“It worked for me,” Mina shrugs. “And trust me, I’m not that kind of person at all. Granted, I was high and the dude was too. Wait. Don’t do drugs. I shouldn’t be encouraging this. You know what, you’ll figure it out.” She pats his arm. 

“Really?”

“Yeah,” Mina watches the end of her light fall onto the railing. She picks it up, only for it to crumble under her fingers. “You’ll figure it out. That’s what life is, right? Holding onto things till you figure it out.” 

“What if I can’t?” He asks tentatively. Mina wonders if the conversation has grown into concerns about something else. “What if I don’t figure it out?”

“You don’t have much of a choice in life, do you?” She asks back. “You just have to. And you keep moving.”

“It’s a closed door.”

“Then kick it down,” Mina deadpans incredulously. “Are you kidding? Kick it and keep moving. I believe in you.” One more pat and she heads back inside after dropping the rest of the tube on the patio and stepping on it.

She’s feeling bolder for some reason. _Figure it out. Kick down the door._ She finds Chaeyoung, who’s busy refilling a drink and catches her by the arm. 

“Well, hello to you too.”

“Kiss me.” Shit. It wasn’t supposed to come out so desperately. 

Chaeyoung’s lips open in surprise, flustered. “What?”

“Kiss me.”

“I- I thought,” Chaeyoung places her drink down, confused. “I thought you didn’t want to do this.”

“I realized I don’t care.”

Chaeyoung doesn’t say anything for a long moment, just stares. But then she laughs. Chaeyoung laughs and it’s too long to have any good intentions. No, it’s just humiliating like nothing else. Mina’s cheeks grow hot, reddening more from alcohol than embarrassment but they’re basically the same now. Fuck. So much for kicking down the door.

“You know what,” Mina releases her, fingers growing cold. “It’s fine. That was stupid. This was a mistake.”

“What?” Chaeyoung is alarmed. “Wait, what? No, Mina-”

But Mina’s running, screaming on the inside. What was she doing? She thought it was clear. She thought it was clear that Chaeyoung doesn’t do relationships, but why did she keep going back? 

Weaving through the crowd, Mina didn’t feel like crying. Her heart was pumping, and it was like adrenaline had activated. Except it very quickly went from fight to flight and Mina wants to escape this stupid fucking party that makes her feel like shit. 

Chaeyoung, of course, catches up to her when she stumbles outside and nearly falls. Her fingers wrap tightly around her arm, steadying her carefully. “Love, hold on. What-”

“Ugh, leave it Chaeyoung, it was a mistake. I shouldn’t have said anything.”

“Why?” Chaeyoung stops Mina in her steps, arm in a steel grip. Mina’s tipsy body wasn’t going anywhere. “Tell me why.”

“Because you don’t do relationships!” Mina cries finally. She pulls her arms free as Chaeyoung’s grip loosens in surprise. “You don’t do relationships but I’m clingy and I get attached easily. I know we both agreed this was no strings but I knew I was bullshitting myself because I just wanted you. And it was really fucking stupid, I know. But I can’t do relationships either, but not for your reasons. I just- just self destruct randomly and hurt the people around me and I don’t want to do that to you. But that doesn’t matter, fuck. That’s not it. I just get attached and I will develop feelings no matter what because that’s just the kind of idiot I am so that’s why it was a mistake. It was just a stupid moment of want and- fuck. I’m sorry.”

She turns away and for once, she has Chaeyoung speechless. Chaeyoung isn’t the kind of person to let the other leave with the last word but she just stands silently, arms uselessly at her side. She has never done that before. 

Mina stumbles down the sidewalk before taking a seat on a curb, hands coming to her face to cover her pathetic tears. Fuck. Fuck. What the actual fuck was that? Door? _Door?_ Was she out of her mind?

The laugh was probably the worst. How fucking stupid must she have looked in Chaeyoung’s eyes. Pathetic and desperate, a child, a broken child who still held onto the pieces of her past and coped. Well, this was just one more piece to add to the pile, wasn’t it?

Mina doesn’t know how long she’s like that but eventually, she feels a tap on her shoulder. 

“Chaeyoung, go away.”

“I- I’m not Chaeyoung.”

Her head snaps back at the deep voice and she looks up to see the boy from the patio. She still doesn't know his name but that’s the least of her worries right now, wasn’t it?

“Wha- what?” She hastily wipes her tears when he offers a hand. She takes it and carefully gets up. Then they just stand there for a couple seconds. 

“You kicked down the door,” The boy finally offers and Mina wants to laugh in frustration. Really? 

But he continues. “I guess all that’s left is to move on.” She blinks at him. They were her exact words but why did they sound so much smarter? Well, probably because there’s not a single person in the world that takes their own advice. But he was right. _Move on. For once, Mina, just keep going. Stop holding on._

“I’ll call you a cab.” He says and she nods. Sure. Let’s just keep going. 

___________________________________

_The temptation to quit will be the greatest just before you are about to succeed._

___________________________________

toska (RUS)

(n.) a state of great anguish, melancholy, longing beyond bearable bounds. 

.

.

.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I realized I never bothered explaining the random quotes(?) that are aligned on the right. they're actually a bunch of Chinese proverbs that I felt fit well with where we are in the story. I just thought they were a fun addition to subtly explain some stuff. 
> 
> Next chapter will be out a week from now and I'm really excited about it because you really see Mina at her low. That's not really anything to be excited about lol but I had a fun time writing that chapter and it's one I'm satisfied with. See you next week!


	9. litost

**HONESTLY, MINA JUST** wants to cry to someone. The events of the night before literally couldn’t have gone worse. Not only was it embarrassing, it was humiliatingly desperate and all-in-all pathetic. Since drinking it off clearly did nothing, Mina’s next option is to dance it off. Because while smoking is ironically a breath of fresh air, it doesn’t take her mind off things.

She absolutely cannot call Jaebum, much as she wants to; she’s bothered him with enough as is. He has his own life and he can’t keep coming to counsel Mina for all (one) of her relationship problems. This was so fucking stupid. Everything was stupid. Fuck, fuck. 

She’s missed Blue morning already so that’s already quite depressing. When she sees that the fridge is empty, she wants to throw something, see glass shatter and shards fly. She wants to _hurt_ and she can’t quite bring herself to hurt herself so she goes and does the next best thing. 

She heads to the studio, determined but careful. Just down the stairs is Chaeyoung, and Mina will give anything, _anything,_ to not see her. So as soon as she leaves her building, she’s running frantically towards the streets, thankful. 

The campus is not as busy as usual; of course it isn’t, it’s a weekend. It’s mostly clubs, bustling in and out with all kinds of people. There’s probably some event they’re preparing for (there always is in a place this big). 

The practice room, unfortunately, is not empty as Mina would like it to be. The usual practice room (the big one that she likes) is overrun by the bigger dance club so Mina’s forced to use the other one. It’s not bad, she just loves the space. Again, selfish. 

There are a couple ballet girls in the other room, much to Mina’s dismay, but that at least means she can practice in there. But she’s tired of talking to people; talking to people is exhausting. Plus, she’s already heard Soo-yeon or Na-ri talking shit behind her back so she’d much rather not go in. 

Defeated, Mina decides to see if she can catch someone, anyone. She takes her phone out, prepared to text any one of her friends, but hesitates. Did she really want to bother them? 

It was no secret that Mina didn’t like being around people. In fact, her first few weeks, even months at university were the epitome of awkward. Mina mumbled nothing more than a few words, and dashed around quickly to avoid stopping and conversing. It was horrible, pre-Sana days; sometimes, it’s still like that.

The past few months (ever since Chaeyoung arrived, if we’re being honest), Mina has been more social than ever. But don’t get it wrong; it was certainly not the norm. Chaeyoung’s entire existence made things simultaneously better and worse, now probably the worst. Yes, it was a lot to push on one person but Mina just wants someone to blame and it was so fucking easy to blame Chaeyoung for all her problems. 

Mina really liked being around Chaeyoung. She felt herself opening up to people like never before, especially those like Jaebum and Strangers. She’s been waving hi at the girls from her ballet club instead of avoiding eye contact completely. Last month, she greeted her lab partner for the first time since the semester began; he nearly screamed. 

Mina puts the phone back into her pocket, hugging her bag closer to herself. It was _fine._ She didn’t need anyone. She survived fine without other people anyway, didn’t she? It was fine. 

But the dance rooms were full and she couldn’t call anyone and standing in front of the building hallways makes her feel like the world is whizzing by and she can’t step out from the trance that she’s stuck in. Fuck. _Fuck_. She can’t even bring herself to cry properly anymore because Chaeyoung’s words ring in the back of her head. 

“Mina?” Someone calls and taps her shoulder. To her horror, she flinches. She hasn’t done that in a really long time. Oh my God. 

“Hey? Mina?” Mark’s face pops up in front of her. _Breathe._ She breathes in, trying to form a smile. “You okay?”

“Y-yeah,” She mumbles. Her voice is too clogged to speak properly. She clears her throat and tries again, feeling more and more horrible as Mark’s face falls. “Yeah. I’m good.”

He stares at her for a moment and lately Mina feels like too many people have been staring at her like something’s wrong. Something _is_ wrong, but that’s besides the point. _That’s beside the fucking point, Mark, stop looking at me like that._

“So what are you doing here?” He asks, immediately masking the concerned expression on his face. Mina hates being the youngest in their friend(?) group. No, not youngest. She hates being the weird one. Everyone sometimes stares down with this weird expression, like they’re afraid of her and worried for her the same time. 

“I- I came for practice,” She gestures. The smile still isn’t coming. “But the rooms were full. So… I don’t know anymore. I guess I’ll go back home.”

“Come over, I’ll make you lunch.”

“Huh? No- no, it’s fine. I’ll… manage.” _Manage what, you doofus, manage making more instant noodles?_

“I know you’re going to go home and eat a banana, or some noodles if you’re feeling it,” He scowls and Mina swallows. Mark is intimidating. “I’ll make you some actual food, come on.”

Mina trails Mark back to Jackson’s dorm room half-heartedly. It’s a great place: always clean because _Mark;_ always filled with food because _Mark;_ always happy because _Mark._ Sometimes, Mina wonders if Mark single-handedly manages the entire floor because some of those people should be dead otherwise. 

“Hey, Mina!” Jackson shouts and Mina flinches a bit, but smiles anyway. Jackson was cool. He was loud and a very happy-go-lucky kind of guy that you don’t get mad at. He was like if the sun broke off and spared a piece to make a person. He was the contagious laughter kind of dude. 

Jackson sits with Jeongyeon, who’s here for Calc work apparently. “Mina, mind giving me some of your genius?” It sounds like a text and Mina wants to respond _lmaoo_ with some emojis to soften the blow. But this is real life and Mina unfortunately can’t fake anything so she just smiles awkwardly. 

When she turns around, she can just _feel_ their confusion. _Why is she acting like_ that? _I thought she_ didn’t _completely hate us._ She hates this. She hates this so fucking much. She hates that she can’t talk to these people like she talks with Chaeyoung. With Chaeyoung, she transforms completely, a whole new person. But looking back, her conversations with Chaeyoung were usually _alone._ Oh my God, she hates this. 

Why, just _why_ , does she feel like she’s slipping back into her pre-Sana days?

“Hey, you coming?” Mark calls from the kitchen. “You feeling good?”

 _No._ “Yeah. Sorry, I’m just feeling a bit out of it today.”

“It’s probably because of all the junk food you’ve been eating,” Mark waves a spatula dangerously close to her face. “You probably feel like shit because of that.”

 _No._ “Yeah, probably.”

There’s another side-eye and Mark looks stressed. “Well, you know the drill. Onions, please.”

She gets right to it. She wants to chop a finger while she’s at it too. But if she does that, she’ll have to let Mark treat it properly, bandage it, fawn over her as if the others don’t do that enough. Then she’ll have to sit out in the living room with Jackson and Jeongyeon, who probably think she did it for attention or something. Yeah, let’s _not_ cut a finger off.

So her fingers are fine and the onions go in. Mina frowns as Mark stirs them; she didn’t cut them as good as usual. He lets whatever's cooking simmer for a bit. Then he looks at her. There it is. “Are you sure you’re okay?”

It’s been a long time since she heard that. Too long. Mina finally thought she’d made it clear to everyone she was doing fine, just a little stressed, need some sleep probably. But it came creeping back again, that patronizing expression, those concerned eyes, and it makes Mina feel like the past year was nothing but a giant circle. 

Two years she survived this shit. Two years she watched them stare her down with no faces and just eyes and decided that she was going to at the very least pretend she was better. Pretending worked then, brought some relief off her shoulders, and gave her some independence from the rest. 

But _this_. What was _this_? Why was pretending not working anymore? Panic rises inside of her but she manages it with deep breaths. _Breathe, Mina, breathe._

He’s watching her too carefully because Mark pulls his words back a bit. “I mean, it’s okay to be not okay sometimes, that’s human,” Mina swallows. “But you seem a bit down.”

The problem is Mina hasn’t been okay for quite some time. It’s like the drop at the top of the roller coaster and now you’re just going downhill with all this momentum that is destined to crash. 

“I’ve just been having a pretty shitty week,” She throws a hand to her head for effect, forming a wane smile. “Stress just getting to me, Mark.”

He doesn’t look like he believes her. Mina’s not a terrible liar; Mark is attentive. Disgustingly attentive. But he drops it and they eat their meal in a silence Mina knows she ruined. 

___________________________________

_A bird does not sing because it has an answer, it sings because it has a song._

___________________________________

Mina often wonders what the fuck is wrong with her. Life throws so many obstacles at people and they plough through it valiantly. But here she was still hung up on the first big obstacle. What a loser. Life really needed to come with a manual, a warranty. She needs some sort of assurance, consolation that she wasn’t doing something wrong.

She wants to do something, _anything,_ because sitting around and moping clearly wasn’t going to do anything. Mina needed purpose in life. Without it, she was feeling very, _very,_ weighed down. Ironic, yes, but humans are strange creatures. They think a bit too much for their own good, depend so much on the world around them, need validation so much they forget about the power they have over themselves. 

Mina’s second best option at being productive was to do homework, and she reaches for her textbook. She hates how stupidly simple is. When she’s done with it, her fingers itch in frustration. She wants nothing more to rip the papers into pieces and begin all over again, but it’s a waste of time. 

Frustration… is a different kind of emotion. 

Chaeyoung not being by her side messed with her head in more ways than she could understand. Chaeyoung was too good. Chaeyoung was exactly what Mina fucking needed, the perfect support system with kind words and a beautiful mind. She listened, she spoke, and she knew, she _just knew._ And Mina had never experienced something like that. 

Looking back on it, she was being greedy. Asking for more from someone who had nothing to gain by staying by Mina’s side. It was so fucking selfish, but Mina wants to be selfish _dammit_.

In the spur of a moment, Mina reaches for the water glass that sits on her desk. Her fingers squeeze around the glass, hand trembling, before she turns and flings it against the opposite wall. The glass evidently shatters and the shards spray, exactly like Mina imagined. 

She doesn’t like the way it sounds against the wall—she can’t hear that at all—but rather the way every piece crumbles from its whole in a fraction of a second. So familiar. It was so similar to her. 

_Not enough._

She reaches for the pens and pencils in her little cup and throw them just as violently. The effect is not the same, so Mina grabs the little cup itself and the ceramic shatters against the wall. Her hands grab at anything: post its, stuffed animals, papers, a stapler, and the wall is in shambles. The floor beneath it is the consequences of an earthquake. 

It’s so horrible, so stupid and immature, yet it brings Mina a satisfaction like none other. She’s panting, adrenaline ripping through her body and as the thrill wears off, her knees weaken in an instant. She collapses against the floor, chest heaving. 

She finally hears her sobs, which are deafening all of a sudden. There are frighteningly no tears, just silent, eerie cries that seem foreign to even her. She can’t remember the last time she broke down like this. 

This is why she doesn’t open up. Not because she’s so fucked up, but because she’ll fuck things up herself. And then she’ll remorse and mourn over something that she ruined.

Frustration is certainly a _different_ kind of emotion, but nothing is stronger than regret. And Mina knows regret more than she’d like to.

Everything falls. Everything crumbles. Everyone has their peaks before their collapse. Mina wishes she’d stop building sandcastles; the waves always wash it away. 

___________________________________

Mina goes for a walk. It’s late, probably a little past twelve (she’s definitely skipping class tomorrow) and it’s slightly drizzling but Mina has a hood on, she’ll be fine. She can’t be bothered looking for an umbrella, since you can never find one when you need it. 

It’s cold, as a night should be, but Mina’s here to clear her mind. After the events of the afternoon, cleaning up the mess she made was as therapeutic as causing it. She spent a long time tracing fingers over the dents and scars now engraved into her wall. It brought her such a terrible joy but she couldn’t keep destroying things every time she wanted to feel better. 

She needed to fix that, but we are in now. Now, she just wants to walk aimlessly, through the streets (hopefully) without getting mugged. She leaves her house in a daze, wandering around without a location in mind. So she does, walking along without a thought, just like Blue mornings, but her body feels awfully heavy.

It’s raining a bit harder now, maybe a half hour in, and Mina finds herself in front of the convenience store again. She stands at the base of the stairs, unable to see the inside clearly. She’s kind of craving ice cream and the store _is_ open, but she’s not sure if she wants to go in. She might see the guy from last time; that wasn’t worth it.

Should she go in or _not?_

Ice cream or _not?_

See the Stranger or _not?_

The thoughts overwhelm her as they echo over and over and over again inside her head, drowning out the pattering of the rain and leaving her with deafening worries. Finally, Mina turns away from the store, but her feet don’t move. She _wants_ to go in, drown her sorrows in strawberry-butterscotch soup again but… but… 

But _what?_

She stares at the street blankly, and feels a single hot tear trail down her cheek miserably. As soon as it does, she scrunches her eyes quickly, willing herself not to cry. No. _No more crying, Mina, you promised_. Stupid, so stupid. She sniffles a bit, but the frustration grows. Her hoodie is soaked, cold water seeping into her skin. _God god oh my god._

All she ever wanted to do was dance. That was it. Nothing more or less. Maybe, _just maybe,_ if things had gone differently all those years ago, she wouldn’t be where she was. She wouldn’t be wallowing in self pity after being forced to give up her dreams. She wouldn’t be in this shitty school being this insecure about everything. _Fuck_.

Mina stares into the gray for a bit. She feels that her socks are wet, but she’s still frozen in place. Arms loose by her sides, hood all the way up, and feet cold. _Gray._

“Hey!” A sharp voice calls from behind her. “What the-”

The voice sounds cloudy no, muffled (that’s the right word) and Mina turns a bit, watching as Stranger stares from the top of the stairs, alarmed at the sight of her. She watches him open an umbrella and rush over, expression… _angry?_

“Are you _stupid_?” He shouts, pulling her underneath the umbrella and dragging her up the stairs. “Fucking Christ.” He mumbles to himself. Mina follows him silently, unsure what to do. Her body feels too numb for her to do anything else. 

Stranger drops her arm as soon as they're inside and the warmth feels shocking to Mina. He leaves her at the front door awkwardly, letting a pool of water soak into the mat. She watches him stomp to the _employees only_ door and disappear. She’s still confused, and her eyes linger at the tub of butterscotch ice cream that sits on the register. 

After what feels like hours, he returns, carrying a sweatshirt, towel, and plastic bag. “Are you… wearing something underneath?” When she nods, he shoves the articles at her. Scratching his head, he directs her to the bathrooms. “Go change. Then… we can talk.”

 _About what?_ She wonders, but she listens and cringes when she feels her shoes leaving puddles as she walks over to change. 

It takes a disgusting amount of time to peel off her wet articles, which are soaked beyond hope. Her inner garments underneath are more wet than dry so she holds them under the handheld dryer until she deems it wearable. Her pants well, they’re a lost cause, so she leaves those and her shoes the way they are. But when she walks outside, her shoes squeak loudly and she wants to just throw everything into the trash can. 

Stranger sits on a stool behind the register, his hands seeming like the only thing holding his head up. When he hears Mina come over, he looks up slowly, face relieved. He gets up and gestures for her to follow him to the side where there’s a cup of noodles set up. “Eat.”

“I- I’m not hungry.”

“I said eat.” She doesn’t question him again and takes a seat, dropping her bag of wet clothes next to her. They’re the noodles she has at home, but he’s added an egg. Something about that makes her dig in. He must know she’d feel uncomfortable if he watches her eating, because he scrolls mindlessly through his phone until she’s done. Mina wasn’t very hungry, but she admits that she feels a tad better. 

“What’s your name?” Mina asks quietly. Not a suitable question, but she’d prefer putting a name to his face. At this point, what was the point of maintaining anonymity?

“Jinyoung.” He looks up wearily. “You?”

“Mina.”

“Mina,” He repeats, fingers drumming against the table. “Are you out of your mind?”

She blinks at him. “No?” He squints back. Unsurely, she answers. “...maybe?”

“Nobody stands in the rain without an umbrella.”

“I… was thinking.”

His frown deepens and Mina’s feet feel even more uncomfortable. “How long do you think you were out there?”

“Um. Like five minutes?”

“You were out there for _thirty minutes_ , kid, a half hour!” Mina blinks in surprise this time. A half hour? Surely, _surely_ she would’ve _known_ that. That was impossible, but… 

Her silence is invitation for him to continue. “I saw you outside and you looked like you were debating again, so I assumed it was ice cream. Then I realized we were out of butterscotch, so I went looking through the back for some,” Jinyoung is rambling now, hands raking through his hair. “I couldn’t find any for the longest time, and when I did, I realized some idiot never closed one of the freezers properly, so there was just these whole bunch of good ice cream pints melting away. So then I had to move all of them over to the other freezer before I realized how long I’d taken and you were probably waiting inside but when I came back, you weren’t here so I assumed you chose not to come in. But then I just _happened_ to peek outside, fortunately, and you were _still standing there? In the rain?_ For _thirty minutes?_ What the _hell?_ ”

“I-I didn’t know I was there for a half an hour.”

Jinyoung looks like he wants to say something, but the words might be too harsh so he decides otherwise. Instead, he just looks at her exasperated, and Mina finds herself growing more and more sheepish.

“You were out of it. Why?”

“Shitty past few days.”

“What happened? School? People? Anxiety? What’s bothering you?” He has a kind face. 

“All of it?” Mina says meekly. “Everything? Everything is at its absolute worst.”

There’s a bit of silence. “I thought you were kind of crazy last time.”

“I am… a bit crazy.”

“No, I think you were just upset. Sad.”

Sad? _Then?_ She was still with Chaeyoung then; how could she be sad?

“It’s normal to be sad,” Jinyoung quickly adds. “I’m sure nearly all college kids are depressed and half of them want to kill themselves. The question is why.”

“I don’t want to kill myself.” 

“Then you’re already doing better than me,” Jinyoung chuckles. “So why are you depressed?”

“I told you,” Mina reaches for a cup. “I’m that paper cup.” 

“Too much effort and no results?”

“Yeah.”

Jinyoung is silent for a bit, fingers drumming against the table carefully and calculated. “I can only say that it gets easier with time. I can’t promise it to be soon, but one day it’ll get better.”

Mina doesn’t want promises. Mina doesn’t want hope. Mina doesn’t want time; Mina has been spending her time uselessly for the past few years. “Is it your classes?” He asks.

She shakes her head. “God, no. I wish it was, those are doable,” Jinyoung snorts. “I have issues with my dance.”

“Dance?” Ah. That must be strange to hear from a college kid. 

“I dance ballet, remember?”

“Are you… not good enough? Are you not improving?”

“Yeah.”

Jinyoung’s silent. This must seem like a feeble, insignificant problem. “Do you practice?”

“Everyday.”

It’s like there is no problem. “I’m… confused.” Jinyoung admits. The problem is just life. Mina decides it’s unfair to leave him with such little context so she explains.

“The problem is I wasn’t always like this,” Mina sighs. Telling Stranger felt therapeutic. Perhaps the words were eating her from the inside out; perhaps it was about time. “I was once good, really good, and then I wasn’t. I can’t get back to the way I was.”

“Accident?”

Mina freezes, but then nods wearily. Jinyoung’s face softens. “Well, that wasn’t your fault.”

“Not completely, I guess, but I was self-absorbed,” These confessions are coming out too easily, slipping out of her mouth the way rain slips from clouds. “I didn’t take care of myself.”

“Don’t bring yourself down with ‘what ifs’ and ‘should haves’,” Jinyoung sighs, relaxing against the chair. “They will definitely get you nowhere.”

“But it’s been years, and I’m still at the same spot.”

Mina doesn’t know what she would say to herself were she in Jinyoung’s place, so she doesn’t blame him for staying silent. How do you comfort someone who’s inevitably not going to get better. There’s a long period of no speech. She turns to the windows where the storm continues to throw up. “I think I like rain.”

“As do most people.”

“I never liked it before. So… cold and gray.” 

The rain patters on. Storms are ridiculous. They build up slowly, graying their surroundings with an awful sense of foreboding. Then they trickle and lash and splatter and play a horrible game of “how aggressive should I be?”. But then it ends, so simply and pathetically and the sun shines through like nothing’s wrong. 

Mina doesn’t look him in the eye. “Thank you for today.”

Mina wants her sun and she wants it now. Her storms have been going on for too long; her streets are flooded. But she’s afraid that her sun doesn’t want to settle down.

“Anytime.”

___________________________________

_The glory is not in never falling, but in rising every time you fall._

___________________________________

litost (CZE)

(n.) regret and remorse and repentance; a state of agony and torment created by the sudden sight of one’s own misery.

.

.

.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> well... 
> 
> I know this was a pretty depressing chapter lol,, I thought the 'word' for this chapter captured the mood really well; it was a perfect summary of Mina wallowing in her own hurt and misery. Let me know your thoughts on this chapter, I'd love to know how you felt!
> 
> A random note, but I took a break for the last few weeks, just updating with my already written chapters so I have to get to writing again. This is basically a quick disclaimer, just in case I'm late in updating next week lol
> 
> Hope you enjoyed reading!


	10. 本音

**TO NO SURPRISE** , Mina falls into a terrible cold. She still can’t believe she was standing outside for so long; surely, Jinyoung was exaggerating because surely she would’ve _noticed._ Either way, getting sick is fine by her, really, because she wasn’t exactly planning on going to class today anyway. After shooting her professors a quick email that they’d probably believe (because outside of socializing, Mina is the perfect student and hasn’t missed a single class before). 

Her nose is congested and if she moves too quickly, she feels a sneeze coming on. That’s probably not how it’s supposed to work, but Mina doesn’t care. She’s not in a hurry to get better but she’s not eager to die either. She just wants to breathe, stop everything around her, and _breathe._

We forget breathing is just a part of us, an involuntary function that keeps us alive without even thinking about. If only we closed our eyes just for a bit, paused the world around us, and breathed on our own will. Sometimes we forget the power we have over ourselves. 

Mina does just that. She picks her up remote, points it at the balcony, and presses the pause button. She doesn’t look to see if anything happens but just lets her eyes fall down and she breathes. 

The entirety of yesterday went horribly. Yes, all of it. The only good part happened after midnight, so no, it doesn’t count. The only way it could’ve been worse was if Mina ran into Chaeyoung. She doesn’t know what she would’ve done then. The fates were either feeling the slightest bit sorry or preparing her for an even worse situation. 

Mina doesn’t like running away from her problems, no, that’s why she continued ballet for so long. But something about confronting Chaeyoung felt terrifying. Mina is so prepared to hear the worst because knowing Chaeyoung, she could very well expect the worst. And honestly, Mina isn’t sure if she wants to chop all the strings off, even if there is only a couple measly strings holding them together right now. 

She sighs. Who is she supposed to tell all these problems to? It would be Chaeyoung, but now it can’t. God. Fuck. Fuck this and fuck everything. 

Mina doesn’t explode very often. She gets frustrated very easily, but she’s usually used to dealing with stupid, consecutive, problems. So Mina exploding yesterday was a big deal. Mina doesn’t break into tiny bits over time, no, Mina shatters all at once like the glass she threw yesterday. She wrecks violently; the shards will fly and they fly violently and they _always_ hurt others. 

How does she fix herself? How does she fix a walking time bomb? How does she fix this? Life really, _really_ needs to come with a manual. A manual that teaches you how to survive in the long run, and a specific section for confrontation. God. That would be a big manual. 

These are stupid thoughts. Stupid, useless thoughts that have no purpose. But they keep her a tad bit sane. They keep her human. 

___________________________________

_When anger rises, think of the consequences._

___________________________________

It is Sana who calls first, much to her surprise. “You’re sick?” Mina holds the phone away from her ear at Sana’s shriek. 

“How do you know?” Mina demands, perplexed. “Who told you?”

“I’m your best friend, I have my ways,” Sana says defiantly. Mina half-expects that if she digs around, she’ll find a security camera planted in her room. “Anyway, how are you doing? Feeling better now?”

“I guess,” Mina shrugs even though Sana can’t see. She did feel better than this morning, but not significantly. “Kind of?”

“What were you even doing? How did you get sick so suddenly?” Mina can just imagine Sana frowning on the other end in that very “mom” expression she sometimes wears. It was usually worn just for Mina. 

“Oh, um,” She scratches her head sheepishly. “I just got caught in the rain a bit yesterday.”

“What? When did it rain yesterday?”

“Like late at night? Twelve-ish.” She cringes as soon as the words leave her mouth, quickly preparing herself for a lecture. 

“What?!” Mina pulls her phone from her ear again as Sana goes off on a tirade. “After twelve? Why were you even going out then? Do you really want to get killed one of these days?”

“It was really short, I promise,” Mina quickly interjects. “Just went for a quick walk, and then I got caught in the storm so it was just for a bit when I ran home.” _Definitely not for a half an hour or something like that haha._

“I didn’t know you had such a weak immune system,” Sana ponders carefully. Hopefully, she’ll just brush over it. “I should visit you. Do you want any food?”

“No, it’s fine, I’ll be fine. I don’t really have an appetite.”

“Okay, never mind, no wonder you have a weak immune system,” Sana scolds once more and it brings a tiny smile to Mina’s lips. “I’m gonna bring you food.”

“No! It’s fine, _really_ ,” Mina emphasizes. “You have better things to do, especially when I can order food. I’ll be fine, go be productive.”

Sana hesitates for a bit. Then, Mina regrets rejecting her offer. “Okay, then how about I send Chaeyoung over?” Mina wants to die. Literally, _fuck_ the fates. “It won’t be any problem for her, she’s climbing stairs. She likes cooking anyway.”

Mina is speechless. “Wha- what?” 

“I can ask Chaeyoung to send you food.”

“I have to talk to her, then, Sana. And I won’t, not like this, are you crazy?”

“It’s food!” Sana sounds mad. “Even if you don’t want to talk to her or however upset you are, I can assure you Chaeyoung will send food and that’s it. Nothing more.”

“Sana!”

“Mina, shut the fuck up,” Mina is freaking out on the other end. “Otherwise, I’ll show up at your door and baby you till the end. You will be fine. Act like an adult. You exchanging a thank you with Chaeyoung won’t be the end of the world. You both can pretend like it never happened. That’s what you’re doing anyway.”

“But-”

Sana doesn’t seem to care, and Mina knows she’s kind of right. Getting so hung up over something like this seemed pathetic. It had been more than a week at this point. Sana continues on the phone, explaining her plans and Mina can’t bring herself to interrupt. It’s only when she finally hangs up does the entire thing register properly. _Oh my fucking God._ She could not, absolutely _not_ , see Chaeyoung. Yes, it was silly and immature and cowardly and dozens of other things and her thoughts were finally getting reasonable but the answer wasn’t deterred. She just _couldn’t_ see Chaeyoung. 

She could lie and pretend she went out? No, that would be rude. She could just accept the food and smile and thank her and just pretend everything was fine? On second thought, that would be even worse. She would just seem insensitive. Shit shit shit. What does she do now?

She’s not even sure when Chaeyoung will come, _if_ Chaeyoung will come. Chaeyoung certainly was more plucky than Mina, but would even she have the courage to face her? After the outburst? After a poorly communicated fallout? The entire thing makes Mina frustrated. 

So she sits in bed, splitting her time between scrolling through social media and completing work from today. This goes on for hours and she fidgets around, waiting for a doorbell to ring at any moment. And when it comes, just a little past seven, Mina realizes while she waited anxiously to see if Chaeyoung would come or not, she never prepared herself for the case in which Chaeyoung would _actually_ come. 

She jumps out of bed and then freezes, steps away from the door. Should she get it? Should she just wait till Chaeyoung leaves? Oh, but that would be rude, especially if she did make food for her. But she couldn’t face her now, could she? It felt too soon, too early; she has yet to find the right words and calm herself down. She doesn’t even know what she’d do. 

It’s been way too long since the doorbell last rang and Mina is surprised there wasn’t a second ring. In a moment she knows she’d regret, she makes her way to the door, preparing for the worst. 

Surprisingly or unsurprisingly, there’s no one at the door. Instead, there’s a brown paper bag that Mina picks up and takes inside. On the outside, there’s a note. 

Mina places it aside before inspecting the contents. She pulls out a bottle of cold medicine and a strip of painkillers. Beneath those are a couple dishes of home cooked food, stir-fried noodles with a side of teriyaki chicken. Mina’s heart softens a little bit, and she begins to read the note. 

_Hey my love,_

_I’m sorry I had to hear from Sana you were sick. I’m not surprised you were out in the rain last night, but let’s not make that a habit, shall we?_

_Obviously, I’ve left some medicine (please take some) and some food (please eat some). Sana will kill me if you’re sick for more than two days. Besides, the food is not half-bad_ — _if I say so myself_ — _and you may find yourself enjoying it._

_Get better soon; we have much to talk about and I’m ready when you are. No pressure though. I’ll be waiting._

_xx Chaeyoung_

The knot in Mina’s chest unravels at the words and she feels better despite the awful exchange before. As the minutes go on, she’s only becoming more and more ashamed of her actions. They seemed so petty, making Chaeyoung the bad guy when she clearly wasn’t. 

Mina sighs, glancing down at the food. Oh fuck. What a mess. 

Mina spends the rest of the evening lazily, letting herself fall to the depths of Netflix where it takes her decades to decide on a show that she won’t spend more than ten minutes watching. She falls asleep to an animated movie where the two main characters are destined so beautifully for each other, that they go through devastation and back but still recognize each other so easily. 

She sleeps alone and wonders with a heavy heart how two people can be fated like that. It sounds too good to be true. 

___________________________________

Mina feels like a fool as she paces back and forth in front of Chaeyoung’s house. She has the empty dishes in her hand, all washed and clean, and suspects if this was Chaeyoung’s plan. She’s left a note too, a pathetic one, but is now wondering if she should ring the doorbell or not. If she did, would she have time to run upstairs in time? Maybe she should just leave it, Chaeyoung would-

The door swings open and Mina freezes, a deer caught in headlights. She all but screams at the sudden movement; why does Chaeyoung _always_ catch her off guard like this? Chaeyoung too is visibly startled, clearly not expecting the sudden visitor at the door. 

Mina gapes, words frozen in her throat, before awkwardly trying to make a run for it. Chaeyoung reaches for her arm, pulling her back before she can go anywhere, sighing. 

“Calm down, love,” Chaeyoung says levelly. “Relax, I’m not going to say anything.”

Mina’s still panicking, but she lets her body loose, knowing that she won’t escape Chaeyoung’s grasp for a bit. “I meant it when I said I’ll be ready to listen when you’re ready to talk and I mean that with no pressure intended.” Chaeyoung continues, smiling gently. Mina just stares blankly, chest growing heavier by the second and she struggles to manage her composure. 

She turns Mina around by the shoulders and points toward the stairs. “Go rest. We’ll talk later.” Mina can just hear the smile in her voice. 

Mina feels better for the rest of the day, though terribly overwhelmed. She wonders if she was ready to hear what Chaeyoung had to say.

In the evening, after a moment’s hesitation, she decides to make a call to Jaebum, who currently knew more about the situation that anyone else. 

“Hey!” He calls cheerfully. He must be in a good mood. “What’s up? I heard you were sick, are you feeling better?”

“I’m feeling fine, thanks for asking. I…” She hesitates for a second, wondering if she should burden her problems on him yet again. “I wanted to talk to you.”

“Sure,” Mina hears him shifting his belongings around before finally hearing the sound of a car door close. “What would you like to talk about?”

“I’m going to talk to Chaeyoung again,” She says, unsure of her own intentions. “She’s, um, well, willing to wait till I want to talk. I’m not exactly sure what she’s looking for though.”

“Hmm,” Mina lets Jaebum ponder carefully. “Maybe she wants to clear things up. Did… anything happen in between your last conversation?”

Mina is just surrounded with people that _know._ It saves her some work so she won’t complain. 

“Yeah,” Mina feels her cheeks heating up and is glad Jaebum can’t see her. “It’s a sad, long, pathetic story. Basically I kind of lost my shit while half-drunk.”

“That’s…” Mina can just imagine him shaking his head in disbelief, an amused smile at his lips. “A lot to imagine.”

“Keep imagining,” She groans, tossing her head back in frustration. “I don’t want to talk about it. The whole point is I basically made things worse and looked like a total fool while doing so.”

“Does this have to do with why you’re sick?”

Mina cringes. “Well, actually, that’s _another_ sad, long, pathetic story.” 

“Geez, Mina,” Jaebum laughs softly. “I left you alone for a bit, what the fuck happened?”

“All in good time, Jaebum. I shall let you know when I make sense of it myself,” Mina sighs, sitting up. “But do you think I should ask again? During our next talk?”

“My answer is the same as before: do what you want,” He says firmly. “Considering how much of a dilemma you’re making this though, I think it’s safe to say you care about her.”

“I do,” She says, a bit more surely. “I just, think I’m being selfish.”

“Let me put this out there, Mina, because I think you’re forgetting something.” Mina perks up at his serious tone. “Relationships are two-sided. It’s going to be impossible to keep it fifty-fifty, but there’s always some sort of balance. If you give, you’re allowed to take.”

“I- so, you’re telling me I’m allowed to be selfish?”

“Not selfish, per say; it holds too much of a negative connotation,” Im Jaebum truly held something with his words. He had some audacity to say he wasn’t a good public speaker. “Consider it a bit of self-preservation.”

“Self-preservation,” Mina repeats softly. 

“Yes,” He says earnestly. “I think you’re forgetting that by being so afraid of hurting Chaeyoung, you’re hurting yourself,” Mina freezes. “There’s nothing wrong with that, no, but you should give Chaeyoung more credit. She’s a good person and good listener; she might understand your fears.”

“That’s,” Mina ponders over it, stricken. “I’ve never… thought of it that way.”

She can almost hear Jaebum smile with relief. “Don’t forget that people have reasons for their actions as well. No one lashes out or draws lines arbitrarily. If she decides to understand you, don’t forget to understand her as well. She doesn’t know what you’re feeling or been through, but it goes vice versa too.”

“Have I ever told you how much I love you?” Mina breaks out into a smile. It feels like sometimes she just needed to be slapped in the face with the truths she was too scared to uncover by herself. 

Jaebum laughs aloud. “Careful, I have a girlfriend.”

“Oh, shut up,” Mina retorts back. She feels better, _so_ much better, she feels bad almost, for not talking to Jaebum sooner. “You know what I mean. Thank you, Jaebum, you have no idea,” She closes her eyes and breathes, wanting to press pause on the world. “No idea how much you’ve helped me.”

“I’m glad to be of help, Mina.” 

“You should consider a career in psychiatry, become a therapist or something, just in case you decide you hate your major.”

Jaebum chuckles. “I will keep that in mind. I’ll see you around, Mina. Hope your talk goes well; let me know how it goes.”

Mina hangs up with a sunflower blooming in her chest and smiles widely at the ceiling. Perhaps things could fall into place again, and perhaps all they really needed was a bit of courage. 

___________________________________

The day of the talk arrives like stepping outside without checking the forecast. While Mina feels significantly better and more hopeful, both physically and mentally, she’s still nervous because she has a tendency of fucking things up just when they’re getting good. She prays she won’t do anything stupid today. 

She hesitates knocking at the door, but unwilling to be taken off guard like yesterday, she decides to go for it. After several seconds of anxious anticipation, the door opens and Chaeyoung wears a soft smile on her face. She gestures for Mina to enter and she swallows before heading in. 

The place is the same, perhaps a few more boxes unpacked and thus a bit more empty, but Mina likes the warmth Chaeyoung’s house brings. She takes a seat on the couch stiffly as Chaeyoung heads over to an easel. She must’ve been in the middle of a painting and her heart clenches at the ballet slippers on her canvas. 

“So,” Chaeyoung says, taking a sip of her tea. “We have a lot to talk about.”

“Yeah.” Mina says feebly. 

“Where would you like to begin?”

“Why,” Mina begins hesitantly. “Did you go to Europe?”

Chaeyoung stiffens, genuinely startled by the question. It isn’t often Mina jumps straight to the point. It was uncharacteristic and she feels bad for digging into closed wounds. 

“That is a good question,” Chaeyoung says quietly, putting her brush down. Her heart begins pounding in her chest. “I didn’t think you’d still be curious about that.”

“Why wouldn’t I?”

“Because the last time you asked, I lashed out at you,” Chaeyoung looks at Mina. “I’m sorry about that.”

“No, I had no right prying around,” Mina says uncomfortably. “I was just- I just wanted to get to know you better.”

Chaeyoung’s face softens, as if she didn’t expect Mina to say _that_. She opens her mouth but thinks twice. She settles on a smile instead. “I honestly didn’t think you’d be brave enough. That’s probably why I was so caught off guard.”

“I think there’s a lot I don’t know about you, but I can tell you didn’t go all the way to Europe just for college,” Mina says with wavering confidence. “So I want to know more. Especially... you know a _lot_ about me.”

“Not everything though,” Chaeyoung narrows her eyes and Mina swallows. 

“No,” she responds shortly. “Not everything.”

There’s a long silence and Mina wants to crawl in a hole. “Okay.” She’s careful not to sigh out loud.

“I went to Europe because I had no idea what the fuck I wanted to do with my life,” Mina stares blankly at Chaeyoung, startled at the sudden confession. Was it… supposed to be that easy? “I one hundred percent did not go to get a degree. But there, I fell in love, found interest in something new, finally went to university, fell out of love, and then came back after a _long_ time.” 

“If you say it so easily, what the fuck does that make me?” 

“I haven’t said everything, love. It’s not that easy, don’t worry. But I trust you.” It only makes Mina feel worse. 

“You had no idea what the fuck to do with your life?” Mina repeats, changing topics quickly. 

“I wasn’t very motivation driven. Wasn’t very competitive and achieving things didn’t really appeal to me,” The revelation shocks Mina. She, well, she herself absolutely could _not_ imagine that. “So I thought I needed some time to figure it out.”

“And your parents?”

“They were more supportive than I expected,” Chaeyoung smiles fondly at the mention. “My mom said she once felt exactly like I did. She didn’t want me to do something I hated for the rest of my life. So they let me go with some pocket money.”

“Wow,” While Mina’s own mother wasn’t disapproving of her interests, she was no longer as supportive as she once was. But Mina knows that she was the one that broke that. She misses her mother. “That’s awesome.” 

“They gave me one year, a blessing really,” Chaeyoung sounds so happy. Mina would be lying is she said she wasn’t jealous. “And I took it and ran. I _really_ enjoyed my six years in Europe. They were crazy, but they were really memorable.”

Mina asked for all of this, but she hates hearing it. She’s too filled with self-pity these days. It’s embarrassing, honestly. “That sounds awesome.”

“I had a lot of ups and downs, believe me,” Chaeyoung adds earnestly. “The first year was fine, but when I had to go to Uni, things were a struggle. I wasn’t enjoying anything. It wasn’t just Uni, of course, there were several other factors. But ultimately, I was depressed, love. I was _falling._ ” Falling. No wonder she knows how Mina feels. 

“I wanted to live like a free spirit, but that stuff only happens in the movies. There’s so much adult shit out here,” She shakes her head in annoyance. “You can’t be a free spirit without money these days, and for money you need a job, and for a job you need a degree, and for a degree you need more money, and you’ve got live and do more adult shit on the side too. You’re basically spending the rest of your life learning to make money. And then you’re just surviving for the longest time,” Chaeyoung collects her brushes and shakes them violently in the water jar. “And by the time we’re settled comfortably, we’re probably being settled in a coffin, you know?”

Mina scoffs. The elder says it lightly but she’s right. Adulting was a bitch. Life was a bitch. 

“Like, who the fuck decided to create a society where we can’t enjoy shit without spending? Everything costs this much and that much, and literally,” Chaeyoung raises the bunch of brushes from the jar suddenly, splashing water everywhere. She holds it up like a weapon. “ _Fuck_ the person who says you can find beauty in small things; I bet they were a rich motherfucker.”

Mina would beg to differ. She finds beauty in Chaeyoung. 

“Sorry for that,” Chaeyoung hastily rubs the droplet-ridden couch with edge of her apron. “Ugh... just... fuck the system, you know? Like, we all just wanna live.” Mina just smiles affectionately; she forgets why she was even upset. Why did she even ask about this? How did the conversation end up here? 

“Living is hard.” Mina finally says. 

“Yeah. That’s because some people make it harder for others.”

She barely manages a “mhm” when Chaeyoung steps in close. Mina’s breath hitches; she can never breathe properly like this. 

“But,” Chaeyoung tilts her head and leans in close, voice just above a whisper. “There are some people that make it easier too.”

And then they’re flat on the couch, mouth pressing into the other and hands all over. It's so sudden yet expected. Mina misses this. She doesn’t care about what it’s called (though she suspects after today it’s more); all she knows is that she wants it and she wants it so damn bad. Chaeyoung’s touch sends shivers down her body and Mina kisses deeply, like it’s her last day. She’s so fucking tired of it all; all she wants is to be held in Chaeyoung’s arms and be treated so wonderfully. 

When they come gasping for breath, Mina reaches at tucks a lock of Chaeyoung’s hair behind her ear. The elder smiles; fuck, she’s so beautiful. Fuck, Mina’s in love. She can’t explain these things anymore but she just knows that she _needs_ Chaeyoung now. Something feels so complete, from her sweet and deep words to her hands crawling under Mina’s shirt, Chaeyoung makes her feel so content in a way Mina feels like she’s forgotten. 

So when Chaeyoung pulls away suddenly, Mina feels like she’s drowning without her body pressed against her. Chaeyoung’s expression is concerned, and only then does Mina realize she’s been crying. 

“Mina, are you okay? What happened? Do you want to stop?”

“No!” She cries indignantly, face flushing red on fire, tears burning against her cheeks. “No. I don’t know. I don’t want to stop, but...” She licks her lips, looking away.

But Chaeyoung is nothing short of worried. “Hey. Look at me. It’s okay. It’s okay if you don’t want to-”

“But I do want to!” Mina admits, voice shaking. “It’s just- I don’t know- I don’t know why I started crying- I just...” And the floodgates burst. 

“Hey,” Chaeyoung’s arms loop around Mina’s waist and pull her close to her own body. “Hey, it’s okay,” She says soothingly, whispering into Mina’s ears. The hug is warm, sending the sweet, unidentifiable scent to wrap around her body like a shawl. “It’s okay, love, it’ll be okay.”

And Mina believes her. Things weren’t good right now; they were barely okay. Things weren’t fixed either, but she realizes that she never should’ve stepped into Chaeyoung’s apartment expecting to achieve that. They would need time and trust for building up a relationship, trust that couldn’t be achieved by simply throwing their bodies around for sweet sex and cherry kisses. This was something more and something better, and Mina must succumb to time if she wants this.

She doesn’t know where the tears came from or why, at least not yet. But all she knows is that right now, she loves Chaeyoung completely. She’s glad she decided to take the step and talk, even if it would come at the cost of her own past. If she wanted something, she would have to give, and she couldn’t keep hiding things under the pretense of keeping Chaeyoung safe. 

So she snuggles deeper into Chaeyoung’s chest, chest warm and tears soaking Chaeyoung’s sweater. There are lots of things Mina likes about Chaeyoung, but her favorite is realizing that she’s not flawless. She won’t lie to herself and say that this girl is the one, that this girl is everything, that she’s _perfect_. Maybe she is, or maybe just not yet. Because there’s a lot of things Mina doesn’t like about her, and she bets there are things the other girl doesn’t like about Mina either. 

But Mina wonders if love is like coping with pain. If you really care for another person, do you overlook their flaws? Does it come to a point where you can just pick up their imperfections, hold them out of sight, and simply _love?_

___________________________________

_Change how you see and see how you change._

___________________________________

本音 _honne_ (JPN) 

(n.) one’s truest feelings and desires; the “real voice” of an individual.

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**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello good readers, sorry for the late update. I knew I was going to inevitably push this chapter off but I hope it was worth the wait! On that note, I wouldn't be surprised if there is no update next week,, I'm not very happy with the next few chapters and I'd rather take the time to edit (or rewrite actually) them instead of rashly posting them. 
> 
> Side note: this chapter's word 'Honne' and chapter 6's 'Tatemae' actually go hand in hand. They're opposites of each other and they're basically the idea of what you appear to be and what you truly are. It really shows how far Mina's come and she'll take even bigger steps in the upcoming chapters. 
> 
> Anyway, I hope you enjoyed this update! It's finally a rest to Mina and Chae's little conflict and they're finally starting to communicate properly with each other lol. Hope to see you next chapter!


	11. schwellenangst

**MINA WAKES IN** Chaeyoung’s arms, surrounded by the scent she has yet to find a label for. She makes a mental note to ask Chaeyoung about it later and snuggles back into the embrace, face nuzzling into the other’s neck. 

“It’s time to get up now, love.”

“I want to just stay like this.”

Chaeyoung doesn’t argue but hums an unknown melody into Mina’s ears. After a moment, she recalls it as the one she danced to for Chaeyoung several weeks ago. 

“I like this song.”

“Me too,” Mina responds quietly. “I dance to what I like.”

“Your dancing is beautiful.”

A second of hesitation, then: “I know.”

Chaeyoung laughs softly. “You truly become a different person when dancing.”

“I think I have two people inside of me,” Mina describes carefully. "One that dances, and one that survives everyday life so that the other can dance.”

It is a small joy to make Chaeyoung smile. “You live so you can dance.”

Mina corrects the elder, voice sounding muffled in the midst of wistful memories. She drowns in her past occasionally, through the form of gruesome nightmares that taunt her mistakes. She closes her eyes and exhales slowly. “In some ways, I guess. But I think I dance so that I can live.”

Something _clicks_ after that day and Mina is grateful. The whole _“talk”_ was useless, dare she say, considering it didn’t technically happen. A question evolved into a kiss and when Mina looks back on the memory, she realizes how preposterous it was. No plan, no logic, no nothing; just an answer turned makeout session turned to comforted tears. 

Mina sighs at the memory. It went absolutely out of plan and she said none of what she wanted to. But how is it that things still felt more complete? None of it made sense. 

Yet it all comes together so much easier and Mina realizes lots of things don’t make sense. There is something more complete about the pair, despite so much baggage still shoved in the drawer. _But all in good time,_ Mina reflects on the words she told Jaebum. _All in good time,_ she said, paying no heed to the fact that she hates time with a burning passion. 

Jaebum is elated when the news of the restored relationship comes out, more so than Sana, who stares at the both of them confused and wondering what she had missed out. Mina and Jaebum don’t bother explaining, just exchange a silent look of satisfaction when the conversation ends. 

For a while, there is Quiet, Blue morning Quiet that envelopes their apartments. But Quiet wasn’t peaceful, it was Quiet that didn’t dictate how Mina got to feel. Mina likes Quiet, but she forgets that you can’t hear approaching thunderstorms. She supposes that was all right; she was prepared for the worst.

___________________________________

_Patience is a bitter plant, but its fruit is sweet._

___________________________________

“I want to try something new today,” Mina says firmly. It’s more of a monologue, since Chaeyoung wouldn’t understand what she plans on doing. “It…” She explains to the best of her ability at Chaeyoung’s curious expression. “Won’t be like the routines you’ve seen before.”

Chaeyoung has no idea what to expect, but just takes her usual seat in the back of room. She’s seen Mina practice and dance for her several times now, but the atmosphere today was different. She watches Mina warm up more mindfully than usual, taking care to stretch each part properly. The face she wears is not the same either; Mina’s lips are caught in her teeth and a cloud of knives hangs in the air. Chaeyoung doesn’t like it one bit, but all she can do is watch helplessly as Mina takes a step forward. 

It doesn’t take a skilled dancer to see that what Mina attempts right now is far different than what Chaeyoung’s seen before. It’s a step forward, but at the same time it’s a step back. Chaeyoung’s lips stay parted for not awe, but confusion because Mina’s dancing has _changed_. The perfectly delivered grace is now inconsistent and there’s a clumsy aura to all of it. To top that, there’s conflict painted on Mina’s face as her brows knit together tightly. It’s clear she’s not satisfied at the quality, as she should be; Chaeyoung has never seen her dance so poorly. 

Mina takes one glance at Chaeyoung’s face and staggers, taken aback. Only then does Chaeyoung note her expression which is ridden with visible surprise. Mina’s lips twist sourly instantly and she breaks away from the brief eye contact before Chaeyoung can say anything. Silently, she heads over to the player and restarts her music. 

It continues like this, several times over and over again. It’s horrible for Chaeyoung to watch, as Mina stumbles and fails and makes more mistakes than she’s ever seen. Chaeyoung has no idea what to do, how to address the tension in the room that’s about to explode. 

For someone who carries so much pride in her ballet, in her perfection, skill, and delivery, this kind of Mina has never been seen before, at least not in recent years. Emotion bubbles at Chaeyoung’s throat as she witnesses Mina’s most vulnerable state, a low in her life she tried to keep hidden for so long. 

It’s unbearable to watch. For the longest time, Mina insisted that she wasn’t _good_ at ballet, to which Chaeyoung obviously objected to. But if all Mina had shown her was the perfected, no wonder Chaeyoung couldn’t believe her. No wonder Mina refused to give in to Chaeyoung’s pleas. She had pushed in so much of incompleteness, imperfection that was once not present. There was so much of the picture Chaeyoung hadn’t seen and that realization alone is enough for Chaeyoung to nearly lose it. 

She opens her mouth to plead Mina to stop, but Mina seems to have come to the same conclusion. She pauses mid-step and whispers. “I’m done.” Before Chaeyoung can’t do or say more, Mina reaches for her stuff and heads out the door. And while Chaeyoung wants nothing more than to go after her, she has no idea what to do in a situation like this. 

Mina doesn’t cry, much like Chaeyoung secretly expects. In the locker room, she splashes cold water on her face before staring intently into the mirror. The confusion etched in Chaeyoung’s eyes still can’t leave her mind and when she looks at herself, all she can see is utter shame. This was it; this was the final layer Mina had tried to so desperately conceal. Her pretense of perfection was cracking and Mina’s not sure how many more rounds it can handle before shattering completely. 

Facades are difficult to put up, but all it takes is one proper hit for the entire thing to come down tumbling. Mina’s only afraid to show the world what lies underneath because she’s more scared of it herself. Dancing like this was different. It wasn’t done in the same confidence or elegance. No, this was clumsy and imperfect and riddled with flaws Mina had previously conquered. It doesn’t hurt to see herself struggle because that is a given; what hurts is seeing her exert herself at peaks already reached to no avail. There is a different type of frustration that comes with reaching for something you’ve already tasted but can never have again. 

She lets her head rest against the mirror, breathing heavily. She hates, hates this vulnerability so fucking much. Her fist lands hard on the wall. _Stupid, stupid._ Mina regrets it already. She would give anything to never display this weakness again but not doing so would be unfair to Chaeyoung, who had made it clear that she was going to be here to stay this time. 

Mina knows that she never properly communicated with Chaeyoung that day, but the moment she woke up in Chaeyoung’s arms, she knew that something was different. It was an unspoken agreement; she felt more than just the usual sex. Some things don’t need words, despite how Mina adores them. Sometimes, things just _feel._

She steps out of the locker room and the first thing she sees is Chaeyoung leaning on the wall outside, eyes trained intently on to her sneakers. She’s lost in thought, pondering deeply over something Mina can’t decipher. But Mina grins as she heads over. 

_Don’t think. Just feel._

She leans in before Chaeyoung can react and plants a soft kiss on her lips. It takes Chaeyoung by surprise, a minute to react, a second to respond. Mina smiles into the display, pulling away with a warm and giddy expression. 

“Are you alright?” Chaeyoung can’t help but ask, mind warped up in previous concerns and current distraction. 

“I’m fine, Chaeyoung,” Mina intertwines her fingers into Chaeyoung’s. She’s never felt something so complete. “I just need a little time. Is that… okay?”

It’s the first time Mina’s properly asked for something instead of brushing off words like eraser shavings. Facing things head on came with consequences, but certain consequences were necessary to move forward. There was so much Mina had ignored in the past two years. She had been willfully blind to obvious signs time over and over again. She needed to do this, however long it would take. 

Chaeyoung is glowing, cheeks rosy and eyes bright. She looks as if she’s been waiting for Mina to speak up on this for so long. Only then does Mina realize that perhaps even Chaeyoung needed some reassurance, some sort of guarantee that Mina wouldn’t continue to shut her out like the others. Because Jaebum was right; things like these were two sided. We all have to contribute to the table.

So for the first time, Mina decides to properly open up her heart. 

___________________________________

Chaeyoung has found a new place to invade. It’s the rooftop at their apartment building that is strictly off-limits, clear with an _authorized personnel only_ sign. Mina clearly points this out the first time Chaeyoung drags her there, but Chaeyoung brushes it off. 

“It literally says off-limits.”

“Actually, it says ‘authorized personnel only’, so no, it does _not_ say off-limits.”

Mina glares. “Chaeyoung, we’re not supposed to be here.”

“We’re paying our rent, are we not?”

“Our rent covers our house. Not the whole fucking building.” To this statement, Chaeyoung has no response, just a bit of grumbling under her breath and no sign of stopping as they climb the stairs. Silently, Mina wonders if all you had to do to make a secret hideout was put a _no trespassing_ sign over it and call it a day. 

The view from the top is beautiful, as are all views from high up. It’s evening when they go, biting at skin with the cold and golden hour setting into midnight blue. The place is covered in dust and old leaves, and they can’t see the sun kiss the horizon goodbye with all the building in front, but Mina likes it. It was a secret hideout and secret hideouts were always awesome because they could always be personalized. 

“See?” Chaeyoung gestures around her, grinning widely. “Isn’t this nice?”

“In the summer, maybe,” Mina retorts back, even though she likes. Still, it’s a bit cold. She presses a cigarette to her lips and it warms her up. “The wind is fucking annoying.”

Chaeyoung opens her mouth like she wants to protest, but then her shoulders drop with a sigh. “Yeah, you’re right. It’s cold. It’s still nice though, isn’t it?”

“It is.” Mina agrees, shivering. She pulls her jacket in tighter, taking a seat on the chairs Chaeyoung brought. 

“But that’s why I brought a blanket!” Chaeyoung exclaims. Chaeyoung clearly had prepared herself for this place because she pulls out a large fluffy blanket from the bag. How the cover even fit in there, Mina has no idea, but she snuggles into it, huddling closely next to Chaeyoung. 

The sun sets by the time they settle down fully, quicker than Chaeyoung expects but Mina is used to this with Blue mornings. 

“They always set faster than you expect,” Mina chuckles at Chaeyoung’s surprised expression. “You’ll literally miss it in seconds if you blink.”

“You sound experienced.”

“I’m more experienced with sun _rises._ ”

“Is that why you’re always up at the crack of dawn?” Chaeyoung asks and Mina turns in surprise.

“You’ve seen me?” She’s only half-mortified.

“I usually see you coming back,” Chaeyoung says honestly. “That’s when I usually have my morning coffee… at the balcony. I see you sometimes, out and about randomly.”

“I don’t really have a schedule.”

“What do you even do?”

“Walk, I guess,” Mina shrugs, unsure herself. “Like aimlessly. Sometimes I’ll go to the Seven-Eleven and then waste my money on breakfast I won’t eat. Sometimes I’ll just go through the main street a couple times over until people start appearing.”

“So you don’t actually watch the sunrise?”

“Not really,” Mina scratches her head sheepishly. “They’re not exactly sunrise walks. They’re just walks I take to clear my mind.”

“Oh.”

“I call them Blue mornings,” She says before she can help herself. “Blue with a capital B. It’s way before the sun rises, but the little bit of light gives the sky this rich, deep Blue that you can only catch for a short period of time. Then the sky begins growing into the usual, unspecial gradient of yellow to orange to blue.”

Chaeyoung chuckles at Mina’s explanation, which is given so fervently that Chaeyoung can clearly see it means something important to her. “A Blue morning, huh?” Chaeyoung ponders over it, eyes closed. “It sounds beautiful in my head.”

“It’s even more pretty in real life,” Mina narrates excitedly. “It’s much more interesting than an actual sunrise or sunset. There’s like this- this sense of Quiet, also with a capital Q, that’s just so… _clear_.”

Chaeyoung just smiles, lost in Mina’s enthusiasm. She had never realized how passionate Mina could be about certain things. She supposes you learn a lot from people the more time you spend with them. “I’d love to see one, if you’ll let me. It sounds incredible.” Chaeyoung requests. to which Mina nods eagerly. 

“They’re not mine to show; you don’t need my permission,” Mina giggles softly. “But of course, let’s go sometimes.”

They return to this spot frequently, nearly every day, each time preparing themselves better for the cold. There comes new additions, including pillows, fuzzy socks, flasks of hot chocolate, gloves, hats, cameras, anything, and by the end of a fortnight, Chaeyoung says fuck it and brings a whole two-person tent up the stairs. Mina thinks it’s ridiculous, that they should have some form of conscience if they’re illegally making their way up each time, but when they snuggle in with walls to block from the wind, Mina decides it’s fine. 

Their conversations have evolved too. They share stories about their childhood, about _top 10 dumb things Chaeyoung has done_ all the way to Mina’s gay awakening. They’re stupid, silly conversations that occasionally transform into deep shower thoughts from Chaeyoung that Mina usually has no answer for. 

“Sometimes, I feel like we’re missing something.”

“Missing something in what? The tent?”

“In life,” Chaeyoung turns to Mina. “Don’t you feel like that sometimes?”

“You’ve gotta be more specific.”

“I don’t know, sometimes I catch myself feeling nostalgic after seeing something. It happened a lot in Europe, especially at random landmarks of infamous places,” Chaeyoung wears a tender frown on her face. “It’s like for something that doesn’t even exist, but _should_. Like for a far off place we can’t even find in our dreams, but we just know it exists.” It’s such a carefully constructed statement, but strangely it holds no meaning. 

“There’s a word for that.” 

“Really? What is it?”

“I don’t know,” Mina smiles through a cigarette. “But there’s always a word for everything. Even for your ‘something’.”

“That _can’t_ be true.”

“It is true,” Mina insists. Of course, she doesn’t know for sure. But there are so many languages in this world and if the Italian language has a word for feeling too full to move after eating (abbiocco), there has to be a word for this. “I’ll find it for you,” She offers a pinky. “Promise.”

Chaeyoung laughs but takes it all the same. Mina doesn’t like promises; she thinks they’re too much of a liability, especially since the future is so subject to change and so suddenly too. Promises were cruel because there’s two on the line and to let yourself down is one thing, but bringing down another is a different kind of shitty person. 

Mina sighs, taking in a deep drag of her cigarette. The smoke disappears into the night sky almost instantly. 

___________________________________

“So you’re dating now?” BamBam looks up at her like some sort of puppy, eager eyes and tail wagging. 

“Yeah,” She takes a sip of her drink, makes a face, then spits it right back through the straw. It’s BamBam’s cup and it’s coffee, the crime of the universe. He stares in horror and she pleads him an apologetic expression. “Why do people like coffee for God’s sake? So fucking bitter and gross.”

“Keeps ‘em awake,” BamBam shrugs. He takes a look at the coffee, shrugs, then takes a sip anyway. “But congratulations, you’re no longer single. Unlike me,” He sighs dramatically. “I still have a long way to go.”

“You go around sleeping with every other person,” Mina takes her own drink this time, a tender vanilla milkshake that doesn’t suit the weather. “And expect to settle down. I think you’ve answered your own question.”

“But you slept with me too.” Mina cringes. Must he say it so bluntly?

“I slept with you _once_ ,” She emphasizes. “Once, and that was it. That was my first one night stand. I was, well, _really_ out of it that way. No offense.” She adds just in case. 

“For a first one night stand you weren’t bad.”

Mina scowls. “It wasn’t my first sex.”

“I know that,” BamBam chuckles. “But you’re right, you really were out of it. High. So was I, I guess.”

“Thank God, I wasn’t drinking, but we really were high as hell, weren’t we? I recall some very… questionable debates,” Mina groans. “And all for what?”

“All for _what_ ?” BamBam repeats, turning to her properly. “Why _were_ you so… different that day?”

“Hm?” Mina says a little bit absent-mindedly. “That night? Other than the fact that I was high?”

“Yeah,” He leans in a bit, curious. “You’re not the party type. You weren’t drinking, you just wanted a joint. You were a completely different person.”

“I… had probably one of my worst days, I think,” Mina nods to herself, trying to recall the events of the day. “I had a huge fight with my mom, rolled an ankle during practice, and a couple other random, annoying things that made my day only worse,” Mina sighs, tone dry. “I think I wanted to do something stupid.”

“Stupid,” BamBam repeats slowly. “Was it… stupid?”

“Oh, no,” Mina says quickly. She didn’t mean to offend him. “I _wanted_ to do something stupid, but I… had fun.” How does she just casually tell him they had good sex and she enjoyed it? While currently seeing someone else? Fuck. This conversation shouldn’t even be happening. 

But Mina forgets there are good people in this world. “I’m glad I could help you,” BamBam says warmly. “But if I get sick,” He looks down at the coffee he drinks. “I’m never talking to you again.”

“Shut up,” Mina brushes it off, but stares intently at the coffee. He might _actually_ get sick considering she just had an awful cold. “Anyway, I have to go now. I’m going hiking.”

“Hiking?” BamBam looks confused. “Where?”

She shrugs, gathering her belongings. “I don’t know. Somewhere. Chaeyoung looked it up.”

“I feel like you’ve explored more in the past few months than the three years you’ve been here.” BamBam comments with a smirk. 

“You’re not wrong,” Mina responds laughing, grabbing her milkshake. “I’ll see you next week!”

And so she heads down the stairs with a skip in her steps. She still hasn’t seen Jin-young again since the last time and she’d love to treat him to something at least once, in compensation for helping her out. She glances back at the Seven-Eleven and heads towards her apartment. 

“Are you sure we don’t need more things?” Mina asks tentatively when she enters Chaeyoung’s house. All Chaeyoung throws into a tiny backpack is several water bottles, granola bars, and a first aid kit. 

“We’re going hiking, not camping, love,” Chaeyoung reminds her. “Wear proper shoes and you’ll be fine.”

And so they do. They go off hiking and Mina decides she hates it far more than the museums. Not only does it get hot and sticky, but it’s more strenuous than Mina imagined. There are a thousand different bugs flying towards her nostrils and Mina’s legs are scratched by the time they reach the top. She collapses onto a bench at the peak. 

“You know,” She pants. “This is not what I expected when you said hiking.”

“What else were you expecting?” Chaeyoung smiles, leaning against the railing. For a second, Mina forgets to speak. 

“I… expected maybe flowery trees, pretty forest, ” She glares at Chaeyoung. “A _level_ ground.”

“Hiking is best on mountains,” Chaeyoung chirps brightly. “Once you reach the top, you feel more accomplished. Level ground just, well, goes on and on. Having done both, I prefer this.”

Mina nods, but her legs would argue otherwise. One would think a dancer would have tremendous stamina, but uphill walking is still not fun for her ballet toned legs. “Your Europe trip sounded fun.”

“It was,” Chaeyoung nods eagerly, taking a seat next to Mina. “Very. I feel like I got to do everything I wanted to.”

“What exactly did you want to do? Travel?”

“Travel was just the umbrella term,” Chaeyoung corrects. “I wanted to, well, try things. Try visiting here and doing that and buying this. I wanted to do something… stupid.”

 _Stupid._ Mina recalls the conversation she had with BamBam, how she slept with him because she wanted to do something stupid. But it all had an underlying cause. 

“Did you do something stupid,” Mina hesitates. “Because you were sad?”

Chaeyoung looks up, eyebrows raised. “Sad?” She repeats. 

“Yeah.”

“Where’d you get that from?” Chaeyoung chuckles, then leans back into the bench, neck craning to look at the sky. _Myself,_ Mina wants to say but instead she waits for Chaeyoung to continue. 

Chaeyoung turns to look at Mina, a _stupid_ smile on her face. Ah. _Stupid, stupid, stupid._ Mina was in love. 

“I didn’t do it because I was sad. I did it because I wanted to be happy,” Chaeyoung says softly and Mina’s heart freezes. “And there was a much bigger difference between the two than I had realized.”

Mina’s heart is in her mouth, stopping the words that claw out from the base of her throat. Chaeyoung’s words strike her too deeply, more than they were intended to. 

_To be happy._

She had never once thought of it that way.

___________________________________

_Persistence can grind an iron beam down into a needle._

___________________________________

schwellenangst (GER)

(n.) a fear of, or aversion to, crossing a threshold or entering a place to begin a new chapter.

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**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello good readers... I'm alive lol :D
> 
> This past month has been sort of exhausting for me. In the beginning, I was doing a lot of restructuring... deleting, rewriting, planning and was overall pretty productive. But I've been having ish with school and college apps were coming around the corner and my anxiety hit a new peak.. unfortunately I wasn't really able to finish as much writing as I wanted. 
> 
> That being said, I'm not really sure if I'll be able to promise consistent updates for the next month or so, not until everything calms down. However, I will NOT be abandoning this story. I've outlined most of the remaining chapters and there are maybe seven or so updates left based on that. I hate unfinished stories as much as everyone else so fret not, I won't leave this story hanging lol
> 
> For those of you that have been sticking around, thank you so, so much! Your support and comments mean a lot to me and really get me motivated. I hope you enjoyed this chapter and hope to see you next update! <3


	12. saudade

**MINA LOVES WORDS**. She thinks words from all kinds of languages are powerful. Because if you think about, someone gave an idea, a collection of thoughts, a feeling, something that _couldn’t_ be expressed, and granted that power to a single one. A single word holds so much weight and it’s a notion she’s always been fascinated and entranced by. 

But when Chaeyoung asks her if she has any “weird fascinations”, Mina doesn’t think she has any. 

“Weird… fascination?” They’re at another cafe kind of bakery today, because Chaeyoung’s seriously adamant to try everything on the main street. Mina thought it was just a figure of speech; it clearly wasn't. So far, Chaeyoung's been disappointed with either the food, the price, or both. 

“Yes.”

She stares awkwardly and Chaeyoung takes it as a cue to elaborate. Mina notices that Chaeyoung waits before speaking. Perhaps it’s because all some people need is a bit of time. She’s subconsciously learning from Chaeyoung.

“For example, I realized that I have a weird fascination with helicopter seeds.”

“Helicopter seeds?”

“Come on, you know the ones,” Chaeyoung twirls her hands around aimlessly. Nobody stares. “The ones with one or two thingies on the ends, little flappy wing kind of things, and then you drop it and it spins like helicopters.”

“Yeah, I know what they are, but why?”

“Because they’re cool, I guess?” A typical Chaeyoung answer. “That’s why it’s a weird fascination.”

“Oh.”

“I also have a fascination with polaroids. Though that's not really weird. It’s just fun, aesthetic shit and all that?” She adds. “Oh, and spending money on useless things. Except that’s also more an obsession or a bad habit if I think about it,” Mina could spend hours just listening to her talk. “Someone else I know had an weird fascination with carving with charcoal. Someone else with moths. Basically, I’m trying to say everyone has a weird fascination and I wanna know what’s yours.” She has a beautiful voice.

“I think I have a weird fascination with words.” _There’s a word for that,_ Mina ironically thinks but doesn’t share out loud, _logolepsy._

“Oh?” Chaeyoung’s eyes light up tenderly. Some people are very expressive like that and it’s a blessing and a curse. “Care to elaborate?”

“I just think words are cool, I guess,” Mina shrugs. She pauses to take a sip of her lemonade and cringes when it’s too sour. It doesn’t even suit the weather, why did she buy it? “Like if you think about it, there are words—inclusive of all languages—out there that can describe anything.”

Mina’s eager face is a delight to watch. Chaeyoung has never seen her so immersed into something other than dance, maybe art. “You know, there’s actually a word for when you enjoy shopping. It’s….” Chaeyoung smiles at Mina’s scrunched up face as she searches her mind. “It starts with an ‘O’, sounds like onion or something.” Unwilling to let it go, Mina pulls out her phone and begins googling. “Oh!” She exclaims. “It’s oniochalasia, which by definition is the mental relaxation you get from shopping.”

“Damn,” Chaeyoung entertains, grinning. “Your interest in words is something I never expected.”

Mina grins back. “Kind of random, I guess. Lots of things about me are pretty random. Especially when I get drunk.”

“But your drunk self is hilarious to watch,” Chaeyoung giggles and Mina glares in response. “God, at the party, you were wild. Even when I dragged you home, you were so out of it, shouting random shit. I thought you were the kind to _do_ stupid things, but I learnt you also _talk_.”

Mina reddens immediately. She definitely had concerns from that day, about all the bullshit that might have left her mouth, but she had hoped Chaeyoung had just ignored it. “Damn it, I thought you’d forgotten about that.”

“Why?” Chaeyoung wears a cheeky look that has Mina mildly mortified. “You remember what you said?”

“No,” Mina looks down sheepishly. “But from prior experience, I know nothing I could’ve said was normal.”

Chaeyoung shakes her head, amused. “Prior experience, huh? You’re right though. You were talking about once when you were younger, a skunk sprayed itself into your house’s ventilation system or something and it took like a whole day for all the rooms to get rid of the smell. Or how once, after you learned how to drive, you were so stressed, you took the car out and drove to the beach at five in the morning by yourself. You said it was a blessing you didn’t get into an accident on the way”

Mina definitely says stuff she regrets while drunk, but overwhelming the topic of her drunk sprees was her tendency to overshare. Sana has talked about the numerous times Mina’s shared TMI about her life, pulling out all the random anecdotes her brain had forgotten about. They weren’t bad or embarrassing, but highly unnecessary and so out of character that they left Mina horrified during her morning-after hangovers. 

“You talked about ballet too,” And Mina stiffens. “About how you used to perform on grand stages and train with the best,” Chaeyoung’s eyes are on Mina, but Mina refuses to look back. “You said you missed it.”

Sometimes, all it takes is a nudge. Mina doesn’t meet Chaeyoung’s gaze but she speaks quietly, eyes trained on the ground. “I do miss it.”

“Were you referring to anything specific?” The words push doors that Mina would rather keep closed, but she recalls Jaebum's words. _Two-sided._

Mina keeps her eyes averted, letting a small exhale escape through her teeth. “England,” This time, it’s Chaeyoung’s turn to be stunned. “The Royal Ballet School.”

The cafe feels dead silent even though there’s chatter running behind them. Mina’s blocked all of that out by now and Chaeyoung simply stares, taken aback, struggling to keep her face controlled. Her mind is racing. England’s Royal Ballet School. _The_ Royal Ballet School. 

Chaeyoung’s speechless, to say the least. She’s not even sure where to go from here, if Mina would even want to continue speaking about it. After all, there definitely wasn’t a simple reason behind all of this. A person doesn’t just go from training with the greatest ballet dancers in the world in England, all the way to a regular university in Korea. 

The stiff look on Mina’s face made it impossible for Chaeyoung to push further so she easily changes the conversation. She’s just proud Mina managed to even say the few words; that itself took a great deal of courage. 

“You also asked to see the _mon amour_ album.”

“I- _what?_ ” Mina’s face deepens into crimson immediately, half-amusing Chaeyoung. Maybe she made the right decision by steering the topic. “I… said that? I didn’t mean-”

“You did,” Chaeyoung interrupts, biting back a smile. “And I’d be happy to show you it when we go home.”

“No- huh?” Chaeyoung feels a tad bit bad when she takes a look at Mina’s embarrassed, overwhelmed face. Mina clearly wasn’t expecting her request to be granted. “You’ll show it? Really?”

“Yeah,” Chaeyoung smiles. “I will.”

And Chaeyoung does when they go home, treats from the bakery in a little bag that they place in the kitchen. Chaeyoung struggles to find the album, which she’s already seemingly lost since she last discovered it, but remembers she placed it aside, the last drawer in the cabinet. 

_It’s a gorgeous album,_ she thinks as she flips over it by herself for a couple of seconds. When she shows it to Mina, she can’t help but have the same thoughts. The album contains pictures from polaroids with little messages and stickers, as well as proper photographs arranged in a scrapbook fashion. There are dozens of people Mina can’t recognize (she can barely recognize Chaeyoung with long, brown hair), but she notices one person repeatedly appears in it. 

They’re a pretty person, with a pretty smile and tender eyes. Mina’s eyes shift between the person’s and Chaeyoung’s and she notices how the laughter they wear has captured the happiness so perfectly. She too wants to be frozen in time like, have something to look back on when… 

When… what?

Her heart thunders in her chest and Mina feels it best to speak over the disquiet bubbling in her chest. “It’s beautiful,” She says carefully, meeting Chaeyoung’s eyes. “I hope… we can create something like that.”

When Chaeyoung shakes her head, Mina nearly stops breathing, but then she speaks. “No,” She smiles warmly. “Let’s create something even better.” 

Mina’s chest relaxes, then swells with _it_. Hope _._ What a forgotten feeling. 

And meanwhile Chaeyoung’s lost in her thoughts, staring at Mina intently as if just her presence is satiable enough. _Hope,_ Chaeyoung thinks, _can be built._

___________________________________

_The one who says he can and the one who says he can’t are both correct._

___________________________________

It is just a random wednesday when Mina receives a call from Jihyo, completely out of the blue. It’s a bit after three and Mina’s just wrapped up her class before heading for a late lunch. 

“Hello?” She responds curiously into her phone. 

“Mina!” Jihyo sounds relieved to hear her. Mina wonders what sort of relief Mina could bring, unless she was looking for something in particular. “I’m so glad you picked up.”

“Er, what’s up?” She’s raking her mind, listing through all the possible scenarios. It’s been quite some time since she last spoke with Jihyo, minus the occasional bar visit and get-togethers. But ever since everyone in their friend group has somehow started dating each other, they’ve all been doing their own things. It’s not awkward speaking with Jihyo but it did come as a surprise; there were few occasions where Mina spoke with Jihyo without Sana. 

“Could we meet up?” For the first time in all her friendship with Jihyo, she sounds nervous. She speaks in a higher-pitched tone, jitter in her voice quite noticeable. “Um, I have some things to discuss.”

“Things?” Mina repeats. _Was she going to give her any context?_

“I’ll… explain in person,” She says after a beat. _Guess not._ “It’s easier that way. Are you free this evening? Maybe we can get coffee- wait no, you hate coffee. A milkshake, maybe?”

Mina chuckles and happily obliges. It seems sort of serious, but nothing too worrisome she assumes after hearing the light-hearted tone of Jihyo. 

Lunch is with Nayeon, whom she hasn’t been seeing a lot outside of the random get-togethers that Sana pulls through occasionally. Between challenging herself with her ballet and classes and spending ridiculously useless evenings with Chaeyoung up on the rooftop, Mina regrets not keeping up with others. She made the grand offer of grabbing food at their shit cafeteria and surprisingly, Nayeon had accepted. 

Nayeon is all smiles as she comes flying through the cafeteria doors, arms wide and swinging wildly around Mina’s shoulders. “Mina, my darling, it’s been too long!” She plants a fat, platonic kiss on Mina’s cheek, leading Mina to blush while grinning like an idiot. 

“Sorry, it’s my fault,” She mumbles apologetically as they head over to the food line. “I’ve been stupidly busy and have been wasting time moping around and just, _ugh._ ” Mina groans out the noise but Nayeon understands. They had a strange kind of bickering between each other, a mutual understanding of sarcasm and dry humor. 

“No worries, don’t worry,” Nayeon then wiggles her eyebrows suggestively, an expression she wears way too much when she sees Mina and Chaeyoung getting cuddly. “How are you and Chaeyoung going?”

“Fine,” Mina mutters, face flushing almost instantly. “Good. Better. I really like her.” She blurts out without thinking, earning a loud laugh from Nayeon. 

“You are _so_ whipped,” Nayeon taunts, reaching for a burger. There’s a knowing glint in her eyes as she continues. “I saw it coming from the beginning, back during the first time y’all met and made out right in front of me and Jeongyeon.”

“We- we did not!” Mina says hotly, mind racing. _Nayeon had seen from the first day?_ _When had that happened? How did she know?_ “How did you even-” She splutters, words fumbling at her lips and Nayeon takes it as a chance to explain. 

“We saw you both leave the room when Jeongyeon and I, well, did stuff,” Nayeon smirks. “Then later, y’all just _conveniently_ decided to head over to the bathroom and returned after a _very_ long time.”

“Oh my God, Nayeon!” Mina’s face is absolutely mortified. 

“Oh, and not to mention the second time. The sexual tension was _crazy,_ ” Nayeon continues casually, paying for Mina’s food before she even realizes it. “I was just _waiting_ for y’all to do something and when you just sat there like a dense idiot, that’s when I gave you the weed.”

 _Oh my God, Nayeon. This fucking bitch._ Mina’s feeling something beyond embarrassment and horror. _She had known from the very start and was even trying to push them together._

“Clearly, it worked,” Mina thinks she might die on the spot, face feeling close to a fever and just a shade under tomato. “I saw y’all all over each other later. I would’ve stayed and watched the full show but Jeongyeon and I were also very busy.”

“Nayeon, you bitch!” Mina only half means it, freaking out and mortified, and all Nayeon does in return is laugh like a lunatic. “I’m going to kill you!”

“Hey,” Nayeon raises her hands defensively, smiling wickedly. “It all worked out in the end, didn’t it?”

Mina is speechless as Nayeon proceeds to eat her food calmly. Mina’s never felt so flustered. She can’t believe Nayeon has seen all of this from the very beginning. She thinks back to how Sana somehow knew she was sick and wonders if the security camera she suspected Sana had placed in her apartment was actually Nayeon’s doing. 

“You’re crazy,” She mumbles, shaking her head, finally reverting her attention back to her food. “I can’t believe you betrayed me like this.”

“I didn’t betray anybody,” Nayeon responds coolly. “If anything, I helped you. You owe your successful relationship to me.”

At this, all her indignity evaporates and Mina rolls her eyes. If only Nayeon was aware of all the mishaps that happened in between, outside of the incredible sex. 

The bickering and taunting goes on like this for the rest of lunch and a part of Mina regrets inviting Nayeon in the first place but it’s still enjoyable. Nayeon is a breath of fresh air similar to Kovit and she could really use that now and then, especially with her ballet getting progressively worse. She waves Nayeon a goodbye and reminds herself to appreciate the presence of her friends a bit more. 

Mina takes a quick shower when she heads home and lazes around for a bit before her appointment with Jihyo. She can’t seem to fathom why Jihyo wants to meet with her of all people. 

Not to get it wrong, it wasn’t as if Jihyo and Mina weren’t close. After all, something like handing another person their credit card and telling you to spend whatever forges a unique bond to special to ignore. But in the past few months, ever since Mina and Chaeyoung got closer, she had noticed that Sana could easily leave Mina in the company of Chaeyoung and head out with Jihyo. Mina never found it hurtful but instead considered Chaeyoung a blessing. She couldn’t always third wheel between Sana and Jihyo and besides, she liked _not_ being the only single one in her friend group. 

Jihyo’s already there by the time she arrives, even though she herself is five minutes early. She sees Jihyo sitting at a seat on the side, next to the windows, staring outside intently and hands curled tensely around her coffee cup.

“Hey,” She calls out. “I thought _I_ was early.”

“Oh, yeah, don’t worry about it, I just had some time. I got you your drink.” Mina slides into her seat and the first thing she notices is just how _nervous_ Jihyo looks. 

“Thanks,” She accepts her milkshake, and then hesitantly asks. “Um, are you okay?”

“Me?”

“Yeah. You seem… on edge.” Mina admits and Jihyo blinks back blankly. For a second, Mina’s afraid she said something wrong but then Jihyo laughs, tone bright and embarrassed. 

“Do I?” She scratches the back of her neck and Mina relaxes. “I probably am. I’m a bit nervous.” She chuckles awkwardly, leaving Mina to be flabbergasted; she’s never seen Jihyo so flustered. She’s always carried herself confidently and responsibly, a bubbly kind of person that balanced her serious and playful side exceptionally well. Expecting Jihyo to explain her request for this meeting, Mina reaches forward and takes a sip of a delightful strawberry milkshake. 

“I- I’m thinking of proposing to Sana.” 

Chatter runs all around them but it’s like the entire cafe goes silent in Mina’s ears. She doesn’t spit out her drink in the comical way people do but freezes mid-sip and looks up at Jihyo, dumbfounded. _Had… had she heard right?_

Then she swallows heavily, catches her breath and wants to all but scream. But she’s a woman of class and composure to everyone who knows her, so all she says is a steady, smooth, “What the fuck.”

The reaction was obviously not expected by Jihyo but she’s better at hiding her nervousness behind laughter than Mina is. “I guess that’s a little out of the blue. Sorry.”

“No, no, don’t apologize,” Mina says hurriedly, thoughts spiralling and anxiously grabbing at a coherent response. “No, this is great! This is amazing news, it’s just- me? Why are you telling _me_?”

“Well, you’re Sana’s closest friend here,” Jihyo explains, cheeks flushed. Mina’s gaping; she still can’t fully process all of this. _Proposal?_ “Other than Chaeyoung, but I don’t really know Chaeyoung that well, you know. You and I have always been on good terms, especially after the bar incident,” Mina manages to slip in a chuckle. “So I thought I’d tell you.”

“Oh,” It’s a stupid, blank, underwhelming response but it’s all Mina can manage. “Well, this is really, _really_ good news. I can’t wait to see how it goes. What’s your game plan?”

“Yeah, so about that,” Jihyo looks apologetic but eager. “I’m gonna need your help.”

And so Mina listens, excitement bubbling in her chest, about the plans Jihyo has in store for Sana's big day.

___________________________________

Chaeyoung watches Mina dance more and more frequently. Mina appreciates the audience but it sits sourly in her mouth every time Chaeyoung sees her stumble and trip as she searches for techniques her body has lost. 

Chaeyoung stares carefully at Mina’s expressions through the mirror, watching the younger’s lips twist in distaste and a frustration build at each failure. Mina sometimes hates the way she dances, unable to accept mistakes that can be corrected. But Chaeyoung never forgets the first impression Mina left on her when she showed her abilities for the first time; mistakes and technique aside, Mina was truly an outstanding dancer. 

So even when Mina grits her teeth and digs her fingers into her palms, on the edge of hurting something or someone soon (the question is which), Chaeyoung simply observes, no expression and no comment. Mina lets out a sigh, staring at her feet in defeat. 

She wants to pull the shoes off, slam them against the mirror, and watch it crack and crumble. Yes, she wacks her ballet slippers frequently to get them custom for her feet, but it was always done against the floor or wall and never as a stress-reliever. She wants to make a scene and throw a tantrum at the ripe age of twenty one. But she’s had enough of seeing things shatter from the last time. If she did something like that again, she’d only encourage herself to deal with her problems immaturely. Besides, it was a hassle having to clean everything up and she still wonders how she’ll explain the several small dents in her wall. 

Mina grits her teeth. _Hold it in._ Stubborn bitch she was. She knew it; she’d never say it aloud. Instead she plops onto her bottom, legs spread out. This causes Chaeyoung to raise a single brow. “Time is a bitch.”

“I fail to see how time falls into context.”

“Time is slow,” Mina gestures lazily towards the mirror, as if that should explain everything. “Time doesn’t let me forget.” 

Time is a gift Mina is too stubborn to understand and accept. To her, time simply drags things on, making pain last longer than it should. Chaeyoung knows its true value though. Mina claims it’s because she’s three years older and she’s had more time than Mina, which in a stupidly convincing argument. But no. Chaeyoung’s seen time heal wounds.

“Time is a bitch, I agree,” The elder admits carefully. “But it’s the reason things pass over and things forget.”

“It’s taking an awfully long time then.” _I should add_ , she thinks, _that I’m a pessimist to my list of flaws._

“ _You’re_ the one with the _jinaga_ tattoo,” Chaeyoung shrugs, eyes narrowed, and Mina knows she lost the battle. “Nothing goes without time.”

“I just wish time could move faster then, if it solves all problems.”

“It moves at the same rate for everyone. And sooner or later, things end.”

“Not always.”

“Nothing’s immortal.”

“No. I guess not. But some things feel _forever_. Especially when they’re sad things. I’ve got a couple sad things, so time moves ridiculously slow for me.” _You sound stupid_ , Mina cringes. Chaeyoung agrees on the inside. But Chaeyoung stays. Chaeyoung smiles. 

“That’s not how it works, love.” _Patience_ , Mina thinks as Chaeyoung’s hands wrap around her shoulders, _is a gift far better than time._ Life should at least have the conscience to give her at least one, not watch her suffer as she’s deprived of both.

“Then how come I’m standing still, huh?” Mina’s eyes meet her own in the mirror. “I haven’t moved, not for years. Surely, I should be able to go forward a _bit._ What do I do? What do I fix?”

“What we do is always our own fault,” Chaeyoung speaks softly. Mina’s heart clenches. “What happens, though, isn’t always our mistake and it isn’t always something we can fix.”

 _She means well_ , Mina supposes, but the words don’t comfort her. In fact, they seem to strike in her the exact opposite. She brushes it off immediately. No time for _that_. 

Chaeyoung’s a walking book of life quotes. _You speak like a poet,_ Mina still thinks, _whose world is going to end._ The words are meant to be aloud but they don’t come. Instead she just stares. Her eyes are fixated on Chaeyoung’s beautiful ones. 

“I know,” Mina closes her eyes because she can’t bear staring at Chaeyoung’s face any longer. The concern etched on Chaeyoung’s features make her feel loved in a manner she’s not used to. “That I can’t fix this. But… is it so wrong of me to wish that I could?”

There’s not much you can say to that, so Mina’s not surprised when Chaeyoung’s wise words never come. Instead, she feels the fingers wrapped around her squeeze tightly, almost desperately, as if to make up for the lack of response. 

Mina doesn’t mind and she doesn’t cry. She just lets Chaeyoung hold her and wonders if it’s too soon to ask the other girl to stay by her side for the rest of her life. 

___________________________________

_The more you try to forget, the more you remember._

___________________________________

saudade (POR)

(n.) a nostalgic longing to be near again to something or someone that is distant, or that has been loved and then lost; “the love that remains”.

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**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello my dear readers!
> 
> First off, thank you for being so patient. I felt awful not being able to promise consistent updates so I'm really grateful for anyone who's still reading, it means so, so much <33
> 
> This chapter was mostly done for the longest time but it needed severe proofreading and editing that I just couldn't find the mood or time for. I hate to admit that I've been spending my little free time working on other fics but I've vowed that I will not post a new story until I finish writing this one so that's been some motivation lol
> 
> Ch. 13 is mostly planned out and kind of written but I wouldn't expect it next week or something, sorry. I also have no idea how but after restructuring and moving scenes around, I somehow have more of Ch. 14 done than 13??? It's really weird and I can't explain it but it'll mean that you'll get 14 not long after the next update. 
> 
> Now that I'm done ranting lol, I hope you enjoyed this chapter! It's still kind of sucky but ehh, if I find any mistakes, I'll just fix it later. Thanks for being so patient and lemme know what you think! See you next update!


	13. metanoia

**“YOU!” MINA POINTS,** mouth opening and closing like a fish. “I know you!”

Jackson raises an eyebrow as the boy next to him waves tentatively. “You’re Mina, right?”

“Yeah. Yeah,” Her voice falters as the wave of emotions from _that night_ comes cascading into her. Her cheeks flare up instinctively, remembering the sorry state she had presented herself to the boy. “Jackson’s brother. I never got your name.”

“You two know each other?” Both of Jackson’s brows are up in surprise. 

“Yeah,” Mina repeats, unable to meet the younger brother’s face. “We met at Nayeon’ party a while ago. I offered him a light.”

“Jun, you smoke?!” Jun's eyes widen as his older brother turns sharply to him. “Does Mom know about this?”

 _Fuck fuck fuck._ Mina sees the alarm spreading into Jun's face and speaks before she can help herself. “Oh, relax, Jackson,” She tries to make light of it, hoping to provide at least _some_ damage control. “Don’t act like you’ve never smoked a joint before.”

Jun turns to his brother indignantly and Mina knows she’s hit the right spot. “Unless you’re being a hypocrite.” Mina says slyly and all Jackson can do is huff in response. 

“Fine,” Jackson grumbles out. “I better not hear about you drinking or something, because then I’ll _really_ tell Mom.”

Jun rolls his eyes as Jackson struts away and Mina crosses her arms in satisfaction. “Funny to see you here tonight,” Mina comments, leaning back onto the wall and raising a curious brow. “I thought you didn’t do these kinds of scenes.”

“I dunno,” Jun shrugs, settling next to Mina in the same position. “I could say the same for you.”

“I… kicked open my door,” She shrugs casually, then winces. “Despite encountering some _difficulty_ last time.”

Jun looks startled, then bitterly amused. “Wish I could say the same.”

“I’m assuming your door kicking didn’t go as smoothly?”

“Well, it went terribly.”

She’s supposed to take a hint and not ask after the first abrupt statement but she can’t help her curiosity. “May I ask what happened?” 

“He’s straight.”

Now, Mina wasn’t exactly sure what kind of problems Jun had been struggling with at all, but she certainly hadn’t assumed it to be relationship ones. Jun didn’t seem the most proactive in that area, but she had presumed (wrongly) that he had maybe self-esteem issues, partly in due to the nature of his brother. Perhaps she shouldn’t be so quick to jump to conclusions. 

“Oh,” Mina finishes lamely. “I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be, there’s nothing you can do about that.”

“I gave the shittiest advice.”

“No, no,” Jun says hurriedly, almost defensively. “It was great advice, really. It was the confidence booster kind of advice, the good one.”

“I probably just made you feel worse.”

“No! No,” He rushes once more, but it feels more to himself than Mina. “Please don’t say that. I mean, it’s not like I could kick down the door and make him gay. I wish it were that easy. Your advice did help though. There were… other doors I needed to kick down.”

“Do you want to talk about it?”

He looks torn. He doesn’t even know Mina. “Not really.”

She feels slapped in the face and it’s not his rejection that stings; it’s the fact that she’s staring right at a mirror. Mina continues kindly. “Do you wanna go for a smoke? No one will miss us for at least a half hour now that your brother’s arrived.”

“Sure.”

For some reason, it’s always peaceful outside in the back patio. It’s also too early for people to be drunk and stumble into the yard before crashing, so right now, it’s just two souls enjoying a casual smoke. 

Mina feels it somewhere inside of her to offer this kid more words of comfort, but a small part of her feels like she shouldn’t. It’s not her place to offer unsolicited advice or comfort because all this kid seems to need is silent company and Mina is great at that. 

Mina used to be excellent at that. For the longest time, that’s what she was to Sana, a quiet companion who would listen avidly. Sana didn’t mind that Mina rarely offered pieces of herself and Mina never felt like she was being used. It felt perfect at the time.

But Mina also eventually learned that it was okay to open up. It was nice staying quiet but there’s a lot we tend to grasp and stick to when we’re left by ourselves, with nothing but our own words for so-called comfort. Mina knows words better than anyone. She knows just how much even our own, _especially_ our own, can hurt. 

So even though she knows it’s not her place to offer advice, she can’t help it when adds quietly: “It’s okay to talk about things.”

“Huh?”

“I don’t mean now. I don’t mean to me. And I certainly don’t mean to pressure you or anything,” Mina can’t bring herself to see Jun's face. She just stares into the dim backyard, lightly lit with the glow of the interior. “But as someone who kept bottling things up, I just wanted to tell you that it’s okay to talk about things. You’re allowed to talk to people, you’re allowed to do that for yourself. You’ll know when the time comes, so don’t pretend you don’t want to.”

She’s met with silence but she doesn’t regret her words at all. Carefully, she blows a ring. For some reason, she thinks back to when she first started smoking, barely a teenager and convinced she was doing it for the right reasons. Crazy how time changes all our motives. 

“You… you really think that one day I’ll be able to talk about it?” Jun's sounds so small. Mina wonders if that’s how she once sounded. 

She’s no longer even curious about what _it_ is. “Yeah. I know you will. You’ll definitely be _able_ to,” Finally, she turns to him, and Jun is looking at her like she strung the constellations in the sky. Her throat stiffens with overdue emotions. “But whether you actually do or not is up to you,” Mina pokes his shoulder, swallowing heavily and grounding her cigarette. “I’m- I’m going to grab a drink. If you ever need anything, get my number from your brother. I’ll see you around, Jun.”

When she finds the drink table, she’s never been more grateful for how alcohol swallows all her emotions. She only takes one drink and she’s definitely not drunk but she makes a beeline for Sana, who’s in the middle of an eager conversation with Jaebum. She doesn’t care; Mina doesn’t hesitate when she drops her empty cup to the floor and flings herself onto Sana. 

“Mina?” Her best friend asks, amused by the unexpected display of affection. “What’s up? Are you drunk?”

“No, I’m not,” Mina says steadily, face still buried deep in Sana’s neck. She feels Sana shrug, probably in response to Jaebum’s perplexion. “I’m not drunk. I just wanted you to know I love you.”

“Er- shouldn’t you be telling your girlfriend this?” Sana chuckles, but she still hugs Mina back. 

“I love Chaeyoung,” Mina admits into Sana’s shoulder. “But I love you too. You’ve done so much for me and I’ve never given you a proper thank you. I appreciate you so much, Sana.”

Sana pulls back, alarmed. “Who are you? You’re not my Mina, drunk or sober.”

Instead, Mina just pouts, corners of her eyes brimming with affectionate tears. “Sana,” She weeps. “You’re the best.” 

The expression on Sana’s face is priceless and Jaebum is equally bemused. Neither of them know where this shower of love came from but Sana’s just happy. She’d seen this girl at her near-worst, dark days of nobody to talk to and caught in the trauma of her past. She never intended on helping her because she didn’t know how; all she wanted was to give company. Sana might not ever realize just how much she means to Mina, especially after tonight. 

Eventually, Mina walks away like nothing happened but she’s never felt more satisfied with herself. She never realized how blessed she was until she saw herself with Jun. She had no idea what that kid was going through, but the reassurance that someone would be there when you needed them was oddly comforting, even if that person was a stranger. 

Mina sighs into Chaeyoung’s embrace later that night and catches sight of Jun inside. She had half-expected him to be gone, but he must’ve been lurking around. This, though, was different from the Jun she was accustomed to (granted, she’s only met him twice). Unlike the last party where she’d barely seen him inside at all, he was actually making an effort to talk to people now. She could just tell how uncomfortable he was—shifting of his feet and red party cup in hand (an attempt to fit in but he hadn’t taken a single sip)—but he was trying his best and that was more than Mina could ever say for herself. 

It makes her sad and thankful at once, regretting what she had once been but blessed to have the best kind of people with her. She squeezes Chaeyoung’s waist; those were something not everyone got and something she’d never take for granted again. 

___________________________________

_Dig the well before you are thirsty._

___________________________________

Mina recalls her embarrassing encounter with Jinyoung so clearly, but she fails to remember the sweatshirt she had borrowed from him until a couple weeks later. She’s mortified when she pulls the article from her drawer, frowning intently at the clothing as if trying to recall when she bought it. It takes her a gruellingly long moment before she realizes it’s the boy from the Seven-Eleven. 

Mina feels it’s only right to visit at night, a bit after twelve. However, she never understood Jinyoung’s shift so she returns home night after night, realizing that it wasn’t his day to work. It’s almost takes the full week until Mina pushes open the door to the store, smiling sheepishly at the boy at the register while offering him the bag. 

“What’s this?” Jinyoung asks curiously, taking the bag. 

“Just returning what belongs to you.”

“Ah,” He places it down and leans forward. “Thanks.”

“I should be thanking you.” 

“Nah,” He shakes it off. Jinyoung has an attractive smile, one that seems to take people in and run. “It wasn’t a deed worth a thanks. I’m glad I helped you out.”

“You were a great listener,” Mina says quietly, reaching into the freezer to pull out two pints of ice cream. Strawberry and butterscotch. The grin Jinyoung wears is irresistible. “Not many people care to listen these days.”

“I just asked some small questions,” He scratches his head, slightly embarrassed at the flattery. “And you answered. No big deal.”

“You asked questions I was too scared to hear out loud,” Mina responds softly as they take a seat on the top of the stairs. They each hold a small cup with both flavors of ice cream. “You asked questions I needed to answer.”

“I’m glad you answered then,” He replies with a tender smile. How could a person be so sweet? “It takes a great deal of courage to face things head on.”

Mina sighs, stabbing at her dessert. “I wasn’t facing things head on,” She admits. “I was just a coward coming to terms with my own reality a little too late.”

“These kind of things don’t have deadlines,” Jinyoung is gentle with his words, not like Jaebum who is precise with what he wants to say, but flatly and forward like a hug. “Unlike our college papers.”

Mina smiles and her mind drifts to Sana for a second. “Was your…” She wants to say issue or problem but none of those words fit right. “Paper cup…” She settles on, satisfied. “College? Were you throwing yourself forward for your classes?”

It’s a bold question, completely unnecessary and random, but in all honesty, Mina is just curious. Jinyoung nods slowly. “There was a time where I felt really useless in college. I mean, I’m still _in_ college, but I’m doing better lately,” He shrugs it off, but then turns to Mina intently. “Your paper cup analogy really caught me off guard that first day, and not because it was a really random or weird thing to do.” He adds hastily. 

Mina cringes a tad. “No, it was pretty weird,” She confesses, ashamed. “I just randomly threw a cup at your feet like a baseball, right after you told me to pick it up. It would’ve been strange if you _hadn’t_ been weirded out,” Mina takes another bite. “But why did it catch you off guard? What happened?” It’s always Jinyoung listening and Mina feels sorry for that. She would like to give him a chance to share his story. 

“Because it hit a little too close to home,” Jinyoung’s eyes no longer meet hers and they gaze off into the empty street. “I… struggled in college. I _thought_ I knew what I wanted to do but I came here and it was horrible. I was doing medicine,” That’s all it takes for Mina to wince. The stress that comes in going into healthcare was a different kind. “It had long hours and a demanding workload and I was _not_ keeping up. Now I know I was burning out, but I didn’t realize that then and it was really hard. I wasn’t getting the results I wanted after putting so much effort into it, and I was getting really fucking sick of it. I guess that's something everyone experiences, but for you to just make that comparison all of a sudden just like that was kind of, well, unnerving.”

Mina smiles softly, his story hitting deeply. “I understand,” She recalls his blunt statement last time, how he was close to killing himself. It’s unsettling to Mina how easily he could say it; how fucking tired he must’ve been. It’s impossible to think that he could’ve ever went through something like that, with his inviting smiles and tender eyes. “But I really am sorry for the cup incident,” She says, ashamed. “Like I said, I’m kind of weird sometimes. I was just really fucking frustrated.”

“You’re doing better now, aren’t you?”

“Yeah,” She smiles at him, a genuine upturn to her lips. “I cleared up some misunderstandings, talked things out, took good steps backward, and it’s not going great, but it’s better,” She explains, less cryptic with her words than her past few conversations with Jinyoung. “Dance has changed, steps backward and all. I had a crazy realization the other day.”

“What was it?”

“I realized that I was doing things with the wrong motivation,” Chaeyoung’s words are engraved into her bones now, circulating through her body. “When I first came to school after my ballet accident, I was really fucking depressed. I just lost the only thing I lived for and it was just like… what now?”

Jinyoung nods, listening carefully. He may have never been in a situation like that, but it was easy to understand where the anguish and desolation came from. There are still remnants of it in Mina’s eyes, that carry a devastation similar to that of familial loss. 

“I had no intention of staying in uni, let’s start there,” Mina chuckles dryly. Sometimes, she doesn’t care if Jinyoung _wants_ to listen to her; it was just so damn easy to throw up at him. Just like the rain. “It was an excuse I told my parents so they could relax, a lie I had thrown out that made it look like I was over dance.”

“But you weren’t.” It’s a statement. 

“No, I wasn’t,” It’s said in a purely bitter tone. “Once the doctors said I could begin easing my way back in, I did just that. Every single day I would try and regain my former, er, _glory_ dare I say. But I was stupid and desperate. They warned me that things weren’t going to be the same but I was, well, _willfully ignorant._

“So when I wasn’t seeing any results, I started panicking,” Mina narrates. “Everything I did was pointless. It took me nearly two years to finally accept that.”

Jinyoung asks about the insinuated. “But…?”

“I still kept dancing, but it obviously wasn’t the same,” Mina continues, voice wistful. “There were techniques I couldn’t do and the fluidity wasn’t the same. And once I realized that, my entire… passion came tumbling. I made poor decisions. I danced because I was regretting what I had lost, still hung up over what I couldn’t have. I returned to what I could do best, and then fell into something like a broken record. I was just redoing the good parts because I was scared to see myself fail again. I realized that I was dancing and doing stupid things because… because I was sad.”

“Because you were sad.” Jinyoung repeats softly. Mina thinks he’s grasping at where she plans to go with this.

“But then the other day, I made the wrong assumption that someone I knew had done something stupid because they were sad. Just like me. And she looked at me like I was crazy,” Mina simply grins at the thought of Chaeyoung’s perplexed, appalled face. “She said it wasn’t because she was sad, but because she wanted to be happy.”

“That’s…” Jinyoung struggles to find the word, but there’s a satisfied grin on his face. “A smart person.”

“I know right?” Mina smiles gently. “Things really change when your motive change.”

“You can’t blame yourself for wanting to do what you loved though,” He still reassures her. _He’s kind,_ Mina thinks, _The type of kind person who’s generous with words._ “We’re allowed to be selfish.”

His words remind Mina of Jaebum’s explanation about relationships, about how things were two-sided and how there was a strive for balance. She could’ve, _should’ve_ , applied that to ballet too. It became one-sided, unrequited, an overwhelming feeling of desperation that was not returned. She really was a fool. 

“Yeah. I guess,” She shrugs half-heartedly. “But it was really stupid of me to keep that up for so long. Because deep down I realized after a certain point that things weren’t going to change, but I still went for it,” Mina made poor choices, but didn’t everyone do that? “That was my mistake. That was when I started doing it because I was sad, and it makes sense why I was never happy with my dancing either.”

“There’s no use crying over spilt milk.” He adds quietly. Jinyoung crumples up his paper cup and aims for the trash can. He misses, and they both chuckle to themselves. “Just clean it up. Even if it’s a little late.”

___________________________________

The revelation that Jihyo plans on marrying Sana has Mina ridiculously giddy and tons of people notice, including Sana herself. Chaeyoung even brings it up, wondering why the younger girl would often spontaneously burst into giggles.

“Are you _sure_ you’re alright?” Chaeyoung peers at Mina’s ditzy expression before reaching to press a hand to her forehead. “You’re not drunk. I don’t _think_ you got high.”

“I’m fine,” Mina laughs, brushing away Chaeyoung’s concerned hand. As much as she would like to blurt out the exciting news she’d been withholding, it was not her secret to tell. She’s even made a pact to not even get close enough to alcohol to do something stupid. “I’ve just had some good news recently. I’m- er- _basking_ in it, you could say.”

She receives a rightfully skeptical raised brow from Chaeyoung but just hums contently. She doesn’t have to break the news to anyone, but nothing was going to stop the frivolous expressions she wore time to time, often found in the presence of Jihyo and Sana. 

The day Jihyo called her out, Mina learned what she had already suspected: Jihyo was a romantic. She saw it coming obviously, with the entranced gazes, small gestures, and whipped eyes. Jihyo was the silent kindness type of girl, the one you fall in love with without even realizing and Mina wouldn’t want anyone else for her Sana. 

She definitely wouldn’t want it any other way especially after Jihyo tells Mina her idea. 

Mina’s only heard bits and pieces of Sana and Jihyo have met. When she asked Sana about it some time last year, she was met with a dramatic but somehow vague response. “It was a dark and stormy night,” She remembers Sana narrating passionately, words reeking with subtle sarcasm. While Mina had initiated the conversation, she ended up tuning most of it out when Sana began explaining about how the female knight had saved the handsome prince. 

So when Jihyo asked her, “You know how we met, right?”, Mina had shaken her head frantically, much to Jihyo’s surprise. 

“Sana, ugh, she never told me properly,” Mina said, frustrated and furious. “Forget that. Tell me now. I’ve been curious for a long time.”

“Well then,” Jihyo chuckled, amused. “So it was a dark and stormy night-”

This time, Mina really did choke on her drink. “What the fuck?”

“What? What happened?” Jihyo asked, alarmed. “Is there something in the drink?”

“No, no,” Mina quickly collected herself. “It’s just, Sana said the _exact_ same thing and I thought she was joking.”

“Oh,” She laughed, taking a sip of her own drink. “I guess it’s kind of an inside joke.”

“Well, continue then.”

“Um, so, it was a dark and stormy night and I was sitting outside this shitty house party,” Mina blinked. House party? “I- I had just caught my then-girlfriend cheating on me, like, right in the house with me. I asked her about it and she just said I wasn’t interesting enough for her, that I was too boring for her”

Mina had wanted to protest, to find this bitch that had dared to call Park Jihyo of all people _boring_. But Jihyo steadily continued. 

“So there I was, sitting on the steps outside, heartbroken and looking like crap. I really wanted to go home but it was raining like crazy and I really didn’t want to go home completely soaked on top of all of what had happened, so I just stood outside like a loser.” Mina couldn’t imagine Park Jihyo as a loser even if she were paid to. 

“Then I see my knight in shining Gucci,” Her expression was riddled with such light amusement and genuine affection that Mina clearly knew it was Sana who she was talking about. _Damn._ Jihy’s face was so fond. _I want that._

“It’s one am and she’s just stepping out of the house looking amazing and I’m just this weird nerd looking awfully pathetic,” She sighed. “She looked down at me and I was like ‘gosh, she’s judging me really hard’, but instead she just takes a seat next to me and smiles. ‘Looks like the rain caught us both,’ she said, ‘so let’s kill some time. Tell me about yourself.’

“I feel like she knew I was upset and probably wanted me to talk about my feelings or something,” Jihyo admitted. “I didn’t really want to talk about it, but you know Sana, she just sweet-talks her way into everything so she ended up coaxing it out of me anyway.

“So, we’re out here talking for maybe an hour and the rain still hasn’t let down. She and I are trash-talking my ex, and she goes into incredible detail about a revenge plan. I learn a lot of casual things about her, like that we go to the same school, share some of the same classes, but I also learned a lot about her character. Naturally, we exchange numbers before she says, ‘I don’t think the rain is going to stop soon.’” Jihyo shook her head at the memory, biting back amused disbelief. “And then she reaches into her bag and pulls out an umbrella,” Mina gaped and Jihyo had just nodded. _Yeah. She did that. But are we really that surprised?_ “She said, ‘let’s go home’ and I just _knew_ I wanted to see her again.”

“Oh my God,” Mina had shaken her head furiously. “Oh my God, you two, I knew you guys were hopelessly in love with each other but to think you guys were this cheesy since the beginning, I can’t-”

Jihyo just flushed pink, evidently embarrassed in hindsight. Mina interrupted her before she could get any further. “So what’s the plan?”

“Well, there sort of isn’t one,” Mina stared. “Wait, no that’s not what I meant,” She sighed, pinching the bridge of her nose. “I have an idea. It’s just- the execution is still… in progress.”

“Well, what’s the idea then?”

“I want to take her through everything we’ve been through.”

Mina blinked. “Okay, I know you’re poetic and metaphorical and all that, but let’s be practical-”

“No, no, let me explain,” Jihyo said quickly. “Er, so it’s kind of like a montage of our most memorable events. Like our first meeting, dark and stormy night and all, and our first date, where I got food poisoning after our movie and ended up throwing up in her bathroom-”

“You threw up in her _bathroom_?” 

“Look, there are a lot of stupid things I’ve done and I rather we not dwell on them.”

“Fine, fine.”

“But basically little stories like that. I want to showcase it in a nice way but I’m not exactly sure where to go from that.”

Mina had contemplated seriously. “No, I think you’ve got a great start,” She then narrowed her eyes at her. “I feel like you’ve got something specific you want to do, am I wrong?”

Jihyo scratched the back of her head. “Um, sort of. It’s kind of embarrassing.”

“I love cheesy.”

“I wanted to act it out. Whether that’s in a video, in-person, whatever. I know our friend group isn’t the greatest bunch of actors, but if they’re willing…” She shrugged, fighting another embarrassed flush. 

“You are actually the cutest.”

She laughed, relaxing once she realized Mina was genuine. “You think it’s cute?”

“I think it’s adorable,” Mina said honestly. “And we’d be completely willing. I’ll force them if I need to.”

“Thanks. I’ve been working out the details of the ring and stuff. I should probably start creating a script,” Jihyo pressed her hands into her cheeks. “This is all so stressful but exciting.”

“Call me if you need help,” Mina reminded her gently. “I probably won’t be too helpful, but you look like you need someone to calm your nerves.”

“Thank you, Mina,” Jihyo smiled. “You know, for the longest time, you were really just ‘Sana’s friend’ to me, but look where we are now. You’re my proposal planner. Fuck, time really flies”

“I’m not sure either, where along the lines the two of us got so close,” Mina admitted, chuckling to herself. “But ever since the bar incident, and your total willingness to trust me with a blank check, I think it’s safe to say our friendship was solidified.”

Jihyo had asked her to keep things from the others for now even though they were going to be a part of this, just in case one of them would let it slip. Mina doesn’t know why she’s the most trustworthy one in their friend group, especially when there’s a whole Jaebum or Mark, but she takes the responsibility serious albeit her giddy expressions haven’t exactly been the most subtle. 

Mina can’t help thinking about their conversation even weeks later. The entire thing seemed so fascinating. Marriage! A beautiful promise to stay together for the rest of your lives. How do you know you're ready for that kind of stuff?

Jihyo and Sana had dated for a remarkable three, reaching four, years. Quite honestly, they never had any serious bumps in the road. They were that unbelievably sweet couple that had their share of arguments, but in the end, only belonged with each other. Mina had always envied that wistful, fond expression Sana wore when thinking of her girlfriend. 

She can’t help it when she those thoughts of marriage transition into thoughts of Chaeyoung, of bleached hair and sparkling eyes and how she wants to wake up to that every morning. The thought sends a shiver down her, crackling with electricity of unknown origins. She feels so much for Chaeyoung, more than she can express and more than she thinks she should. She’s loved Chaeyoung—when she really looks back on it—from the very beginning. 

But what defines love? There’s never been just one kind. The Greeks put it nicely into eight different categories. They are a beautiful array of words and Mina stares at the definitions quietly, cigarette pressed to her lips. 

_Eros_ is the erotic love, the sexual attraction that can be transformative or destructive. She supposes in her and Chaeyoung’s case, it was both. _Philos_ is what the Greeks considered superior, the friendship kind of love that brought intimate comfort without a sexual aspect. 

_Ludus_ is what the modern world considers “puppy love”, that flirting and sweetness that Sana and Jihyo may never abandon. Though at the same time, Sana and Jihyo also held _Pragma,_ the mature love that develops steadily, unconditionally, and is found with partners that put in the time and patience. 

She supposes the other four don’t qualify for her relationship with Chaeyoung, but they are just as powerful. _Storge_ is the love you feel for family, bound with attachment and sealed with affection. _Mania_ isn’t beautiful; it contains an obsession hidden by delusion and while it is dangerous, there is no denying its strength. _Philautia_ puzzles her because its premise is so simple but it may be the most difficult of all. Love for yourself isn’t easy; there’s a reason Maslow placed self-actualization on top of his hierarchy of needs and there’s a reason why not everyone achieves it.

But it’s _Agape_ that fascinates her the most. The description reads as the greatest form of love that there is. It is said to be a connection with humanity, a love and acceptance for all human beings. She stares at it, over and over again, until the words mean nothing. _This is something beautiful I think I’ll never understand._

It’s been bothering Mina that she can’t decide. If the word _love_ wasn’t enough, the Greeks had given her eight more options. Yet calling her relationship with Chaeyoung just one of them still felt wrong.

She abandons her Blue Morning early, before the sun can greet her. For the first time, she leaves wondering if maybe there wasn’t a word for everything. 

___________________________________

_The man who removes a mountain begins by carrying small stones._

___________________________________

metanoia (GRE)

(n.) the journey of changing one’s mind, heart, self, or way of life.

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**Notes for the Chapter:**

> chapter 13 gave me absolute hell. I rewrote it like thrice, cut like thousands of words at a time, then just abandoned it for days. I honestly didn't think I'd have this chapter ready for this week, but then I read something about how if you change your font to Comic Sans, you just somehow write more efficiently?? I thought it was gonna be utter bullshit and then I wrote two and a half chapters in one night and it was like _woah. _I don't know if it was just placebo effect or something, but I ended up producing whatever the hell this turned out to be.__
> 
> __I'm probably the world's biggest idiot to write during peak college app season but I'm just so tired, I don't even care anymore lol. Hopefully this chapter doesn't suck. Hopefully it makes sense. It wasn't supposed to be this long (I think this is my longest chapter yet) but I kind of got really carried away so if you have any comments or questions, please feel free to let me know. Next update will probably be end of october, early november at the latest. Hope you enjoyed this and see you next chapter!_ _
> 
> __umm btw, can we talk about comeback teaser??? Jihyo?? MINA??? can they all just step on me already i'm so gay for twice it was illegal for them to look that good asdjkhasjk_ _


	14. 侘寂

**“APPARENTLY, THEY’RE CALLED** blue hours.”

Chaeyoung looks up. “Huh?”

Mina is not looking at her when she gestures to the sky. There’s a cigarette lodged between her fingers and Chaeyoung watches a piece of ash fall as Mina moves her hands. “My Blue mornings. They’re actually called blue hours.”

“Oh.”

“I got curious last night,” Mina admits, laughing quietly to herself. “And I was wondering if there’s a word for my Blue mornings. There are words for basically everything so I was like, maybe Blue mornings have an actual name, and an actual word. So I found this article that talked about photography and lighting and it went on this whole explanation about blue hours, golden hours, twilight, and all that stuff.”

Chaeyoung’s learnt that it’s sometimes best to let Mina bask in her silence, let her roll her words around in her head before she lets them leave her mouth. 

“I don’t know,” Mina answers, even though Chaeyoung hasn’t asked anything. Her expression is creased and thoughtful, the face she makes when she wants to be careful about her words. “It’s just sort of… unnerving, I guess, hearing that it has an actual name. I thought it wouldn’t. It feels weird.”

“How so?”

“It’s always felt so personal,” Mina chuckles, bringing her cigarette back to her lips. Chaeyoung gazes, entranced by the smoke; even the way Mina uses a cigarette is graceful, with tender fingers and soft gray. “That’s kind of stupid, I guess, I mean, _of course_ , other people have experienced it too. Of _course_ it has an official word. But…”

“You know words better than me,” Chaeyoung begins, stepping closer to Mina. “And you’re the one who insists there are words for everything. So why are you so shocked about this?”

Mina blinks. Sometimes, she wonders if Chaeyoung’s sole reason for existing was to remind her to say the things she couldn’t. “Because,” She’s hesitant. “What if there isn’t? What if there isn’t a word for everything?”

“Do you _need_ a word for everything?”

Mina always appreciates Chaeyoung’s honesty but this feels brutal, unintentional or not. This isn’t just a prod at her late night endeavors, no, this is a stab at her longtime beliefs. And the change-traumatized person that she is, it forces Mina sick to her stomach. She’s already abandoned so much of herself that she refuses to let go of her words. 

“I shouldn’t,” Mina admits and Chaeyoung’s expression softens. “But I do.”

“But it’s not like you’re going to stop calling them Blue mornings, are you?” _Huh?_ Chaeyoung’s eyes are dancing carefully, curious. “It’s not like all of a sudden they’ll be blue hours.”

“No, I guess not,” She lets the words drip off her tongue languidly. “I… guess not.” There are no flaws with this claim. It shakes Mina just a tad. 

“It’s a big world out here, love,” The expression resting on Chaeyoung’s lips can barely be described as a smile. It’s a flat expression, but there is a wistfulness in her eyes that make her seem nostalgic. “Nothing’s truly original anymore so I don’t think it makes a difference if things are labeled or not. I suppose what really matters is what those things mean to us, just like paintings,” Mina shivers when Chaeyoung caresses her cheek. “Because that will _always_ be different.”

She hadn’t expected Chaeyoung to take her concerns so literally nor had expected her contemplations from yesterday to be somewhat answered. 

Chaeyoung’s right, like she is about most things. Mina sometimes, just fleetingly, wonders whether Chaeyoung’s experienced the world, and the weight of it all is the only thing still grounding her as human. _My Blue mornings will still be_ my _Blue mornings,_ Mina blinks, dropping her cigarette and crushing it under her heel. She then leans forward to press a chaste kiss to Chaeyoung’s cheek, letting the leftover smoke in her mouth melt away. 

___________________________________

_If you correct your mind, the rest of your life will fall into place._

___________________________________

BamBam’s first time in the practice studio is filled with stares of awe and intrigue. He doesn’t dance, at least not seriously, and points excitedly at the mirrors lining the wall, saying it’s the first time he’s actually been in front of these. It brings a smile to Mina as she prepares her music. 

Mina promised BamBam a long time back she would let him see her dance. BamBam had brushed it aside, still perplexed at how easily she agreed to it. He thought she was joking, because the second time he brought it up, he clearly wasn’t expecting Mina to drag him to the practice room right then and there. His face is tainted in expectant confusion as she orders him to the back of the room to wait. 

He waits, then he watches as music fills the air and Mina balters on top of it, inches away from dancing with the clouds. There is something special when you see someone in their element, when the outside world becomes a separate entity to them. They lose to themselves so easily they don’t notice, but from the outside, it’s obvious. The way their face captures every tender expression, with eyes that reflect a different kind of love and lips that are holding a million words. 

BamBam doesn’t know dance that well. He’s foreign to it, never truly appreciated it for the beauty rather than talent. But watching Mina felt different. He searches for words he didn’t know he could use and struggles to put them together. It was as if… as if… 

He cannot arrange the words. 

Mina stops finally as the last beat ends, chest slightly heaving as she poses. She smiles widely with all her teeth at BamBam through the mirror, then relaxes, strutting over to him in that awkward way ballet dancers walk. “So. What do you think?”

He realizes he hasn’t been breathing for the last few minutes. “I don’t know what to say.” BamBam says honestly.

Mina simply smiles, the corners of her eyes crinkling into an expression that gave her a flowery look. “I hope you enjoyed it.”

“I did,” BamBam nods fervently, properly snapping out of his daze. “I… I…” He stares at her, wide-eyed, unsure of where to begin. “You must’ve been joking right, when you said your future wasn’t prospective?”

Mina’s smile wavers on her lips and she swallows. “Prospective,” She repeats carefully. “Was never the right word.”

“And what was?”

“Possible,” Mina stares through him, not at him. “My future wasn’t possible.”

He stares at her the same way Chaeyoung did when she first told her why she couldn’t dance. It’s a cross between disbelief and a muted horror, like there was something they were missing but nothing they were missing could explain _this._

But BamBam doesn’t lash out the way Chaeyoung did, angry and opposing and indignant. Instead he just looks silently, sadly, as Mina’s eyes hold an expression of misery. No, he didn’t know whether Mina was good enough or technically skilled enough for ballet; he’s not quite sure how that works. What he does know is how Mina loves her artistry, her work, her _reason_ , and that she suffers because… 

because…

because…?

“Why?”

“I can’t dance anymore,” Mina says softly. “What you see right now is not my best.”

_Not her best._ Was she joking? “What are you talking about-”

“I mean it, BamBam,” Her eyes land on him and the stillness they hold is too eerie for a lie. “The dance I just showed you is not my best. It will _never_ be my best.” There is a precision in her voice he doesn’t question. 

He waits, because sometimes waiting is the best you can do for a person that doesn’t know how it feels to receive love. “Let’s put it this way,” Mina offers carefully. “Let’s say you drop a plate from your hands,”

“Okay?” BamBam says unsurely. 

“There’s a bunch of pieces you now have to clean up. You pick it up and try to put it back together, because superglue works wonders. You piece it together because you can.”

_Because you can._ “Right.”

“But say you pick up the pieces and try it put them back together, but realize you can’t,” Mina’s lips are pursed. “You’re missing certain parts and you can’t find them. You can’t put back together the plate.”

“I guess so.”

“The higher you fall from, the harder it hurts.”

“Where are you going with this?” BamBam frowns. 

“I dropped my plate from somewhere high, BamBam, and my pieces went flying,” She sighs. “I can’t find most of them and I’m never going to be able to put my plate back together. It’s not because I don’t _want_ to, it’s because I really just _can’t._ ”

_BamBam knows,_ she thinks, _since it’s not all that hard to put together._ She’s not trying to be cryptic on purpose, but saying it out loud never felt right and she wonders how the word left her lips so easily with Jin-young. Accident wasn’t the right word. It was more of a foreboding warning Mina had ignored and paid the consequences of. 

BamBam’s figured it out by now and looks at her, harrowed. He wants to help her, but these are pieces that can’t be replaced and he knows that. You heal from injuries, but sometimes you don’t mend enough and that’s where Mina was right now. Not recovered enough, but enough to still wretchedly want to chase after dreams. 

He reaches for her hand and squeezes gently. All the words he’d thought of were positioning themselves into what Mina’s dance felt like. 

It was like Mina carries the sky in her dance, with her feet trailing around to form paths of stars and her hands weaving them into constellations. They are strung together with love, and held up with a broken passion that is yearning for _more_ that will never come. 

Neither of them know it, but the word is _numinous_.

___________________________________

Now, Jihyo admits that she was a bit taken aback but no one’s reaction compares to Mina’s, who audibly gasps and attracts the stares of several other people in the restaurant. Jihyo’s initial shock wears off and she snickers at Mina’s outburst. It’s somewhere between a startled jolt and pleasant surprise, and Jihyo watches Mina reach for her girlfriend’s hair. 

“Your hair,” Mina breathes in muted horror, caressing Chaeyoung’s newly black locks in alarm. “Wha-”

“It’s my natural hair color,” Chaeyoung looks amused more than anything. “Don’t tell me it looks bad.”

“No, no,” Mina’s still frozen. “It’s just a big surprise. Really unexpected.”

“Well, the roots were growing in as you may have already seen,” Chaeyoung explains, reaching for the menu. “And I normally would have retouched, but I think my hair needs a break. I decided to let it breathe in black for a bit. Interesting, huh?”

Interesting is far from what Mina wants to describe it as. How does she tell her girlfriend that she looks absolutely, if not more stunning, with her darker hair _without_ seeming whipped? 

Luckily for her, Jihyo speaks up to spare her from further embarrassment. “It looks really good, Chaeyoung, just a little surprising since it’s out of the blue. Give this one a minute,” She points at Mina, amused. “It’s obvious she loves it, maybe too much, since she seems like she’s malfunctioning.” 

Mina swats Jihyo’s arm, flushed, while Chaeyoung just giggles. “It’s okay, it is a big change. I know blonde looks incredibly good on me, but my hair needs a break, love.”

“No, you look good!” Mina blurts before she can help herself. Fuck. _You are so whipped,_ she chides herself. Next to her, Jihyo rolls her eyes. Was this how she and Sana look from an outside perspective? Disgustingly cheesy and forcing the others to third wheel?

One by one, the other people in their friend group come trickling in. Nayeon and Jeongyeon come together, then Jaebum and Jackson is rushing in, apologizing for being a bit late. Mark follows even later, but no one blames him and Jackson immediately points out their hypocrisy. 

There’s a small discussion about Chaeyoung’s hair, whose sudden change rightfully incites surprise. Mina insists she had reason to be shocked and Nayeon agrees, but also points out that Mina is biased and thoroughly whipped. 

Once everyone’s finally settled into their large round table, Jackson immediately points out the absence of Sana. “Forgot your girlfriend, Jihyo?” He calls cheekily. 

“You know she’s out of town to visit family,” Jihyo says firmly. “Besides, she’s not supposed to be here tonight.”

Everyone raises their eyebrows skeptically. Mina’s about to burst into giddy flames. “I’m going to propose to Sana.”

There’s a silence. And then the entire table erupts. Jackson’s screeching, shouting happily at Jihyo for finally going for it before asking her if this is supposed to be their bachelor party because he most certainly will _not_ accept a cheap dinner. Jaebum and Mark, like regular people, wholeheartedly congratulates Jihyo and exclaim that they’re super happy about it. Nayeon and Jeongyeon are freaking out, conversation overwhelming with Nayeon screaming, “thank God, I was waiting for the day you would _just do it_!” 

Chaeyoung, on the other hand, turns accusingly to Mina’s gleeful but muted reaction. “You!” She points, feeling horribly betrayed. “You _knew_ about this, didn’t you?”

Guiltily, Mina nods and the attention of the entire table turns to her now. There’s another outburst, partially directing at Mina for keeping it a secret and at Jihyo for deciding that Mina was the most trustworthy one out of them all. Jaebum and Mark especially take offense for the latter. 

Eventually, they calm down because they’re still, after all, in public and while the dirty looks other patrons give them doesn’t make them quiet down, Jihyo still has several announcements to make. 

“So the reason I’ve gathered all of you here today,” Jihyo says, already exhausted. “Is, no, not because this is a bachelor’s party because that happens before the wedding. By the way, no one, _I mean no one,_ is telling Sana about this-”

“Yes, yes, lover girl, she won’t hear of this,” Jeongyeon rolls her eyes, leaning forward eagerly. “Get to the point. We’re all on the edge waiting for this bigger announcement—except for Mina, the damn traitor, here.”

“ _Anyway_ ,” Jihyo continues, clearing her throat. “My proposal idea, with the help of Mina, has gotten somewhat elaborate. As a result, I’m requesting your help. I’d like you guys to be apart of it.”

There’s another silence as everyone takes it in. Then Jackson speaks. “You want _us_ to be part of your proposal? Like one in a million, special proposal?” He asks, eyes wide.

Jihyo nods almost shyly. “Yeah. You guys mean a ton to both Sana and I, and it would mean a lot for you guys to be involved in the process-”

“Oh my God,” Chaeyoung speaks for the entire table. “You’re insane.”

“Wh-what?”

“She’s right,” Mina’s surprised to see even Jaebum nodding his head. “You’re actually crazy.”

“Wait, hear me out, first,” Jihyo says quickly, overwhelmed by the emotional response. She had not anticipated on anyone being so touched. “I’m thinking of making this video or skit kind of thing where we kind of act out different points in me and Sana’s relationship. I was wondering if you guys would want to partake in that.”

Mina had considered this. All the proposals she’d seen (on YouTube and her Pinterest feed) were always so independent and for the most part, straightforward. She had never seen someone involve this many people so it was no wonder they were taken aback. But they weren’t repulsed by the idea, rather overwhelmed that Jihyo would trust them to partake in such a special and memorable event. 

Promptly, Nayeon bursts into tears. Jihyo panics. Quickly, Mark takes over. “What she means to say is that we’re all touched and would absolutely love to, Jihyo.”

“Really?” Jihyo still sounds nervous. “Are you sure? If you don’t want to-”

“Honestly, Jihyo,” Jeongyeon says quietly. “The real question is, are _you_ sure? This is such an important memory and we would hate to intrude on it.”

“No, no, of course not,” She says urgently. “ _I’m_ asking _you_ to do this. _I’m_ asking _you_ guys for a favor.”

“Then, in that case,” Jackson grins. “It’s safe to say, we’re all very excited to be a part of this. Even if it is a little bit cheesy.” And Jihyo, bless her soul, looks relieved by the outcome and Mina reaches to pat her on the shoulder. _See. I told you they would love to help._

And honestly, it doesn’t even feel like help; it’s too natural for that. _Friends like this are hard to find,_ Mina muses fondly, and she’s learned to be beyond grateful to have them. 

___________________________________

It takes a long while to drag Chaeyoung out of bed. Her eyes are shut when Mina pulls her on to her feet and Mina glowers. “You said you could wake up!”

“What I say and what I mean are often not the same thing,” Chaeyoung groans, sinking to the floor and dragging Mina down with her. The room is still dark though the blinds are open. Of course it is, it’s barely reaching four in the morning and sun has yet greet the horizon. “Let’s go another day, Mina, hm?”

“No,” Mina says firmly, hoisting the other girl up with a grunt. “You’re not going to get up another day and today is perfect, see, no clouds or anything.” 

Chaeyoung squints out the window. “I can’t see shit, it’s too dark for this. Mina-”

“Stop whining,” They’re already at the front door and Mina begins slipping on her shoes as Chaeyoung sighs. “I promise you, it’ll be worth it.”

It’s quite dark when they exit, not even a touch of sunlight brushing against the sky. Mina is quite used to it but she finds the scandalized look on Chaeyoung’s face amusing. 

“The streetlights are still on.” Chaeyoung mutters in disbelief, tugging her jacket over more snugly. Mina watches a cloud of air escape from her mouth. 

“Hush, hush,” Mina reaches into Chaeyoung’s coat pocket with a content smile and loops her fingers into Chaeyoung’s. The hands are warm and soft, reflective of Chaeyoung’s personality and Mina’s mood is already brighter than the yet-to-rise sun. She leads Chaeyoung out into the roads and all the way to the end of the main street, overlooking a nice long park off the small end. Mina often sits at the bench up top of the gentle hill, remnants of her Seven-Eleven drink in hand. 

“I guess you come here often,” Chaeyoung comments as they take a seat. The sky is bleeding bits of blue but it’s not enough for Mina’s Blue mornings. 

“Very often,” Mina nods. There’s no one around them but she speaks in a hushed whisper, as if revering the silence around them. “Whenever I need to clear my mind.”

“I can see why,” Chaeyoung’s lowered her voice too now as they take in the view. Mina is cold, slightly shivering against the morning air and she instinctively reaches for the cigarette pack in her pockets. But she pauses as Chaeyoung hums mildly, fingers hesitating before her lighter. “The stillness here is beautiful.”

“I told you,” Mina whispers softly. “It’s Quiet with a capital Q.”

There is something about silence that you do not appreciate till you need it. Mina leans back and closes her eyes, basking in its glory, its fleeting freedom. She breathes in the morning and she realizes what a fool she’s been to smoke through the clean air. She turns towards Chaeyoung who’s copied her and smiles gently. Perhaps she’ll just have to keep bringing someone to keep her warm. 

“Can I ask you something?” Mina’s almost annoyed by the interruption but Chaeyoung’s face is intent, she feels compelled to answer. 

“Okay.”

“How do you feel about ballet?” Chaeyoung blurts and while Mina expected a question like this, she isn’t really sure what kind of answer to put out. When Mina takes too long to respond, Chaeyoung rephrases. “More like do you _really_ love ballet?” 

For a split second, Mina’s almost offended by the inquiry but the genuity in Chaeyoung’s eyes makes her wonder if she’s just curious. The slight pauses lets Mina think; does she _really_ love ballet? Her recent self-discord with love doesn’t help either. Shouldn’t she know what love is before answering this question?

But she supposes Chaeyoung doesn’t mean it in that sense. She decides to think simply. “Yes,” That much is obvious, can be said without hesitation. Because despite all that ballet has made her suffer through, it made up so much of her that she doubts she can ever stop loving it. But she thinks back on her recent epiphanies, of Chaeyoung’s words and her conversations with Jin-young and what the Greeks think of love. “For me, ballet is like my first love. There are so many things I dislike about it, but it will always hold a special place in my heart.”

“First love,” Chaeyoung nods to herself. “You’re good at describing stuff, you know?”

“I guess it’s more than that too,” Mina adds thoughtfully. “I’ve done it for too long and I love all that it offers me too much to just regard it as a hobby or something. I feel like I kind of just need it. It’s hard to explain. I feel a lot of things about ballet,” She catches herself admitting. “And love is just one of them.”

Contrary to Mina’s expectation, Chaeyoung’s face is not that of understanding or amusement, but rather a perplexion lost in thought. She’s nodding carefully to herself, pondering over Mina’s speech deeply. In fact, she seems so perturbed by Mina’s words, Mina can’t help but be curious. “Why do you ask?”

“It’s just…” Chaeyoung struggles to find the words, pursing her lips. “You’re so passionate about ballet. Everything you do and say, you’re just so… invested? Is that the right word? I don’t know, but I’ve just never met anyone who’s so passionate about their work like that.”

“Really?” It surprises Mina to hear that. It might just be because she grew up in a competitive environment or surrounded herself with ambitious people, but that’s not something that’s ever crossed her mind. The people she knew, especially those she danced with, were always so dedicated to ballet. Putting in all this time into something was almost a given for her, and to have never met someone with that kind of motivation or drive strikes Mina as odd. 

“Well, not in the way you are, at least,” Chaeyoung corrects herself. “It’s just, your commitment to dance is respectable. And I just wanted to know why.”

Mina nods. That was fair enough. She has something she wants to ask Chaeyoung but she can’t quite put it into words yet. But before she can, the morning calls to her. 

“Chaeyoung,” She breathes with the breeze, careful not to disturb the air. “Look.”

The Blue has spread wider and the sky is ignited with a mesmerizing color, like the shade of the gas flames in the kitchen. Blue mornings are so special for Mina because they’re so transient and Mina has grown to appreciate beauty. We never know how long things last, how they can be stolen from our eyes when we least expect it. Mina glances between Chaeyoung and the sky and promises to herself she will never let go of such beauty again. 

___________________________________

_A people without faith in themselves cannot survive._

___________________________________

侘寂 _wabi-sabi_ (JPN)

(n.) the discovery of beauty in imperfection; the acceptance of the cycle of life and death. 

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**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello my good readers!!
> 
> Nov 1st college deadlines are finally over and I feel like I've got most of my shit under control after submitting a couple applications lol. I still have several more deadlines coming up but I somehow feel _a lot _more at peace now compared to last month.. I'm just hoping everything works out!__
> 
> __This chapter was a lot of fun to write! The Blue morning/blue hour part was highly inspired off my own experience a couple months ago and I was just _waiting _for the right time to include it. btw I've seen several blue hours in the evening, but nothing beats the morning ones for some reason; if you've never had the chance to see them, I highly recommend waking up a tad early for it!___ _
> 
> ____I hope you enjoyed this chapter and as always, leave your thoughts down below! I hope to see you guys again in two-three weeks!_ _ _ _


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